Decisions

"Decision:the act or process of deciding; determination, as of a question or doubt, by making a judgment." The course of our lives is constantly decided by the decisions we make. Some are harder to make than others.

This past year has been one full of the biggest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. The choice to fight for myself, the choice ignore my fears and continue with the mastcectomy. The choice to cut my future risk by parting with my nipples. The choice to leave myself transparent and share my story in hopes to help another feel less alone. While emotionally difficult, these choices were all no brainers for me. It isn't about saving the tatas, it is about saving the women and I knew I wanted a healthy future with my family more than I wanted the alternative. My breasts.

I am now 11 weeks post exchange and doing great. I am slowly increasing my activity and while it leaves my muscles sore and tired, it is nice to be getting back to "normal". I LOVE my job and have been working a lot in between enjoying the holidays with my family and closest friends.

Life has been busy and I allowed it to become an excuse to ignore the things I should have been dealing with. I have completely shut myself off from my journey these past few weeks. While it isn't over, it was nice to just live. There are still decisions that need to be made. Weighing my options left me torn, anxious and full of fear. So rather than dealing with my emotions, I shut off. The numbness seems to be my go to. Probably not the most admirable, or smartest thing to do, but it gets me by at times. Truthfully, putting off decisions won't free you from having to make them. Eventually time runs short and you have to make that decision. I can confidently say that after many tears and much debate, I have made mine.

It is no secret that I have struggled through trying to figure out where to go from here. The topic of lipofill and nipples have been ones in question for a while now. As I talked to Zach the other night it finally dawned on me. I had been letting fear cloud my vision. The fear of gaining weight, and how I will feel about my reflection during the process combined with the fear of my eating disorder creeping back up was keeping me from opting against something that could better me. While I'm affraid of the mental battle the weight gain, and lipofill may be, I know for a fact that in 10 years from now I would regret not doing it. When I see my reflection now I see my foobs as incomplete, full of imperfections and damaged so to speak. I do not feel confident topless, not even when it is just me alone with the mirror. As a women that is something important to have. I realized that depriving myself of a finished product for the sole purpose of being affraid of gaining weight may prove that I'm still fighting that fight. This realization allowed me to make my decision. I need to remember that I will be gaining weight for a purpose and it won't be my forever. I've been striving to get back to where I was, when really I should be striving to get through this. I will have a new beginning when all is said and done. A beautiful, healthy, clean slate. All mine for the taking. No matter how hard I try I will never be back to where I was. I am a different person, and I will be better than ever before. All these racing thoughts have allowed me to decide that I will not allow fear to cause me to tap out early. I will continue this journey until the very end. I will gain weight, and do the fat harvest and lipofill. After everything, I owe it to myself to feel confident, proud and see my reflection as nostalgic and beautiful. I will finish my completed chest off with 3d tattooed nipples. I have opted against the nipple reconstruction, but feel the tattoos will be the cherry on top I need. A way of closing this chapter and a symbol of my new begining. I can't wait to live that day.