Home of hope

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since my last and final breast operation!!!!

I cant believe I haven't blogged since I revealed my decision to proceed with the 2nd fat graft procedure. It's been a roller coaster, but I'm finally feeling good again. Not great, but I'm on my way there. The bruising has lifted and the nerves in my legs are firing and trying to reconnect. I'm almost certain I have lost some sensation in my right leg just above my knee, but in time it may come back. Transitioning from sitting to standing is still uncomfortable, as are the first few steps following, but I'm not in any real pain anymore. Well, except for when my husband lovingly pats my thigh completely forgetting about their fragile state ;-)

This one was a bit rough. I was warned that it would be very painful, and boy was it every bit of painful as my surgeon told me it'd be. Surgery was a huge success! They were able to harvest 900cc's of fat from my legs which is a tremendous amount. This allowed her to be very agressive with the fat grafting process filling me as full as my skin could physically bear without damage.

My first week was a daily battle. Not only was the pain in my legs excruciating, but every time I tried to stand up I nearly passed out, and I couldn't stop throwing up. After a few days of this I finally called my nurse and turns out I was having an allergic reaction to my antibiotic and was told to discontinue it. The morning of my 1 week post op I woke up half way through the night in maddening pain and a fever of 102. With my vision blacking in and out I stumbled to my recliner where I tried to find comfort. I couldn't stay still the pain was so much and I was out of pain meds. I was finally able to fall asleep for a bit until my mom picked me up. The hour drive to my appointment was the longest trip ever, but I made it and thankfully everything looked great, but as a precaution I was put on a different antibiotic and given something for the pain. After the first dose I began feeling better and was finally able to truly begin recovery. I was told it will be a good 3 months before I'm pain free and we begin to see the final results in both my chest and legs. Given the aggressive nature of this round we are confident my chest will yield the results we set out for. Now all I have left to do is heal both physically and mentally and continue to live this beautiful life. I'm really almost to the end. I won't see Dr Hagarty again for another 2 months, at which point we will see where I'm at in my healing and begin working on the plans for my shiny medals to mark the end of the chapter. <3

3 days post op-the bruising begining to set in

Today- 20 days post op-my chest is still very hard. Imagine a water balloon overfilled right before it hits its breaking point..that's what these things feel like ;-) I still have a lot of swelling and a majority of the fat is still intact. Over time it will continue to die out and my chest will become softer and more natural looking.

I began this blog a year ago as a means to share my story, to educate others on the real truth behind breast health, mastectomies and reconstruction. I felt so alone and decided that I would use my fear and feeling of isolation to fuel a blog that would reach out and hold the hands of others, giving them someone to relate to so they never had to feel alone. There were times where I would write while questioning my decision to be so public. Was anyone reading my blogs anyway?? In a world where I felt nothing but alone, I was and continue to be surrounded by so many. I am so humbled by the number of emails and comments I've received by women and their family members, both thanking me and cheering me on! I began this blog for you! You are the ones that inspired me!!

Last week a woman in my area reached out to me inviting me to share my story at the breast cancer support group she coordinated at the home of hope. I felt a vast mix of emotions at the invitation. Honor, fear, excitment, anxiety. I wanted to find every excuse not to go, but something in me said it was something I needed to do. I was affraid of how my story would be received. I was scared to be rejected. I will never forget last year when my surgeon nominated me to the news station to speak in an interview on behalf of BRA day(breast reconstruction awareness) having just recently begun reconstruction myself at the time. I remember feeling deeply hurt when I was later told the news station didn't want me a part of the celebration because I wasn't a cancer survivor. This memory krept back into my mind and left me feeling very uneasy. I didn't want to relive such a memory. Today as a geared up for the meeting I tried to think of what I would say. I cried on and off through out the day every time I gave it much thought, and as I pulled up in front of that building I sat in my car frozen and unable to move. I didn't think I could bring myself to go in. After a deep breath I put one foot in front of the other, wore a smile and kept telling myself to breathe. As soon as I walked through that door, I was greeted with a hug and I felt such a relief. I was surrounded by such a lovingly beautiful group of women from all walks of life. I shared my story with them and they understood on such a deep level. I answered questions with confidence, shared my story, and then heard pieces of theirs. Turns out, I'm not the only one to feel emotional numbness or to have days where you hide in the shower and cry. I learned that even after years have past there are still days that trigger an emotional response. It is a lifetime of adjustment and grieving. When you're struggling and feeling alone in this world remember there is always someone right there with you feeling the same way. No should ever feel alone. My heart over flows tonight. I'm so greatful for having had the opportunity to meet so many incredible women. It is something I will take with me always. I can't wait to go back <3