Grounded with pure intentions

I havent written a blog in months. Lately my thoughts have been jumbled and I've not been able to make sense of them. I'm learning that its ok to not understand why things happen as they do, or why I feel a certain way, or why sometimes I feel nothing at all. Those are the times we grow the most, because even when we dont know how we will make it, we do. I think the numbness is a coping mechanism, we all feel it at some point in our lives. Life is a messy, chaotic, crazy, beautiful adventure. There is beauty to be found in everything. Even if it takes years or even a lifetime to see it.

Since my last blog post I got nipples!!!! Or at least what I thought would feel like nipples. They were supposed to be "3d nipple" tattoos; I was told they would look realistic from afar. But they dont. Not to me. They are flat, tan stripey circles with what look like tiny hearts in the center. For as excited as I was to get them, I thought it would be love at first sight. Instead, I secretly hated them for weeks. Maybe I just got used to my smooth bare skin mounds? I had to adjust to my reflection all over again, and it took some time. They aren't my nipples, they aren't nipples at all, and they never will be. Once I stopped feeling disconected from my reflection and pointing out everything they aren't, I was able to find the beauty in them and see them for everything they are. Every scar, every indent or dimple, every imperfection uniquely mine, a symbol of my journey through life. My "fipples, as I like to call them, are my medals of triumph. A beautiful piece of art.

I paired up with a friend of mine for a finish line photoshoot. A display of raw emotion, of truth and light from the other side. A symbol of beauty and confidence. Proving to the world that a mastectomy is a beautiful thing. It is a symbol of life. It isnt a loss, but a gain. It signifies having won. It doesn't matter what lead to the removal of your breasts, you still felt every bit of that pain, it changed you forever, and the fuzzy drugged up memories will forever be etched into your mind. My fipples are my medals. I am no less of a women because I had a mastectomy, I am no less beautiful.

I had been sharing my photos on the wonderful world of facebook *insert gag* since the start, and many of you have been following me since the begining. You've seen me at my worst, yet for some reason I felt extreme anxiety over sharing my finish line photos. I almost canceled my shoot and arrived late after I forced myself to get in the car and just go. What did I have to lose? It would have been so easy to call everything off, never look back, and never write a blog again. Then I reminded myself why I began sharing my story in the first place. I was once the scared girl on google and pintrest searching post mastectomy photos through teary eyes. I wanted to read the experiences of others. I wanted to know it would be ok, and see what was on the other side. I wanted to feel something other than alone. I knew there were more women out there like me. And so i began my blog. I wanted to take my fear and use it to give hope to others. My intentions have always been pure.

Leaving yourself exposed and vulnerable leaves you open to a world of negativity and opinions. There have been times I've cried and wish I had never started this thing. Then Im reminded of all those that have reached out to me over the years, having thanked me for helping them through a journey of their own. And then I am grounded again, reminded of my purpose.

Last week I was reported on Facebook for my top less photos. This was the second time. The first time was funny, the second time broke me. I still dont know what to think of it, but I decided not to allow it to stop my mission. Never trade authenticity for approval. With that being said, I'm using my blog as a filter. I need my Facebook for my career, and I can't let someone that doesn't understand my mission effect my future. I have to protect myself.

In the middle of the whole being reported debacle a photographer took a risk by sending me a message asking if she could photograph me. When I accepted her offer she thanked me for not thinking she was a creep. She was so sweet, how could I not help her create her artistic vision?? We met at sunset in the middle of a field where I proudly stood top less in front of the lense of a girl I'd never met. I hadn't decided if I would be sharing this photoshoot with the world. You've followed me this far, why shut you out now? I hope you like them as much as I do, and that you see their purpose, and beauty in the way we intended.