These things won't break me

Many have asked me how I'm doing lately, and why I haven't blogged in months. Honestly I've written and re-written this post multiple times over the past few months and couldn't bring myself to hit publish. I've even contimplated giving up this blog all together. I promise I haven't forgotten about you all. I think you've inspired me more than I've inspired you. You keep me writting, even when I want to give up. A few weeks back a girl whom I've never met recognised me at a local bar and hugged me while thanking me for sharing my journey and being a voice of encouragement in her journey. Somehow the universe continues to send me signs reminding me of why I started this blog and why I must continue it. So here goes..

I first began this blog over two years ago with the intention of being a positive light for those embarked on a simular journey in life. To be completely open with you, I've just been trying to live and let go of that part of my life. Mentally I've tried my hardest to turn that page and forget it all. I'm slowly learning that some journeys never come to an end, but go with you and become a part of who you are. I dont want to be that girl any more. Yet I am. This is who I am. I am a mosiac, a beautifully broken work of art. I'm the loud, dance obsessed crazy almost 30 year old that had a double mastectomy at the age of 27 at the hands of a disease that no one knows anything about. Nothing will change that. So I've been trying to live, and enjoy life to it's fullest because I'm here and I'm alive. And I'm still trying to figure out how to identify with myself and who I am as a person.

A few months ago one of my best friends and I made the trip to mayo to meet with their gentics team. Having her by my side helped make it seem like more of a tiny vacation (aside from traveling 6 hours home in a terrible snow storm).

Mayo itself was incredible. Everyone was so kind, and accommodating. Sadly their team was just as speechless about my case as every other Dr I've seen. Genetic mapping, and chromosomal testing revealed nothing other than the fact that I'm a mosaic. This means I didnt enherit my condition from anyone. Whatever chromosomal abnormality I posses is uniquely mine. There was a flaw within the cells of my genetic makeup creating a mutation that lead to this beautifully broken soul. They have no idea what caused my hamartosis and told me I'm unlike any case they've ever seen. They suspect Cowdens syndrome, however the genetic testing for this disease isnt 100% accurate and many test negative even if they posses the disease. I tested negative, and while I do have some sympoms, I dont have enough to be clinically diagnosed. I am to touch base once a year with anything that may have changed with either my symptoms, or the genetics research field as its ever evovling. I was reassured that maybe one day they will have heard of another like me. I really didn't expect answers, it seems to be my luck, but I had every hope they would have an idea. All we really know is that whatever chromosomal abnormality it is, my daughter will have a 50% risk of being just like me. So I pray for answers at some point in my lifetime for her sake, and the sake of others. No one is ever truly alone in this world. I believe that with every part of my being. I laughed and told my husband that one day his family name will be made famous because of me.

I just reached the 2 year anniversary of my mastectomy. On one hand I can't believe it's been so long, yet on the other it feels like it was just yesterday. I wonder if it will ever truly feel real to me?? The Saturday before my surgery My family and I celebrated life on the beach in my swim suit, for one last time. It was the last time I actually felt the sun warm my chest. Every year on my anniversary we make the trip to Lake Gavena and celebrate life and love, and having made it. It has turned into one of my favorite trips of the summer.

I am at that point in the game where the hardest parts are behind me and the side effects of all the surgeries have become my new normal. I've tried to be very transparent and honest with the world while being a positive light for women everywhere. When I'm having a bad day (because I'm human and do) I try to keep it to myself because the world is full of enough negativity. There is always a silver lining. For me that is the rest of my forever with my family. I haven't blogged because I fear sharing my truth will bring you down. I am struggling and I've kept it to myself. Often times I forget that maybe you're struggling too, and maybe my honesty will help you feel less alone. Afterall, that has been my mission from the very beginning. I have no real reason to complain. So many others have it far worse than me. I think that's the part of this entire process that has been the hardest for me. How can I hurt, and feel emotions when I survived, while others didn't?. How can I stare in the mirror and cry two years later? Your mind can provide an annoying dialogue and sometimes our emotions demand to be felt. I think we often beat ourselves up and compare ourselves to others. Yes someone may have it worse, but does that mean we aren't allowed to hurt?? I'm still trying to find the answer to that question. I have many good days, an innumerable amount actually. Im am so greatful and incredibly happy. But as human as I am, I also have bad days, and sometimes they are very bad. I'm learning to cope. Truthfully speaking, I hate my implants. And I'm angry that I hate my implants. I'm angry that I have negative emotions about them, or that I cry when I can't do something as simple as open a bottle or do a single push up. I don't deserve to cry when others have it worse. So I fight with my mind and remind myself of every silver lining. I dream of a day I wont feel pain like this anymore. I didn't expect this. I was supposed to wake up from my implant placement and have this all behind me. So I try with all my might to pretend that it is. I smile, and live, and dance and love this beautiful life I've been given. For whatever reason, I was chose for this life, and I'm trying my best to embrace it. I just can't help my wondering shower thoughts. I see myself topless and smile because I'm proud, and because of how beautiful they are. They really are perfect. I cry because I wish I didn't hate them so much. I wish I had MY breasts back. I wish I had appreciated them more. I force myself to love my implants, but they hurt terribly every day making me wish they were gone. I am said to have post mastectomy pain syndrome. It's caused by severe nerve damage during the mastectomy. My Dr placed me on gabapentin, and it takes the edge off enough that I can sleep at night without the pain keeping me awake. I will have it forever, but I cant help but wonder if the pain would be less if I wasnt toting around these giant implants. They are too much for me. If it wasn't for it meaning another surgery, being out of work, another Dr bill, causing my family more worry, not to mention having to fight with my Dr to even think about it, I would highly consider having these implants removed. My chest walls werent left strong enough for these massive things. I wish I could have picked their size, I didnt ask for 32ddd's. I'm over the daily pain and pull, the deep ache and stretch when reaching my arms out, having to massage them daily while constantly fighting capsular contractor. I miss the freedom of being topless or sleeping without a bra. These are but some of the possible complications you aren't told of before hand. You think there is a clear end to that chapter of your life when you wake up from your implant placement. You even celebrate your finish line..convincing yourself its all over with. But they will always be there, and you learn to deal with your new forever because you're thankful the bad stuff is over and you survived. And because the world reminds those that are still early in life that "you are so young, you need them", and because your Dr told you " you wouldn't identify as a women without them", you continue to deal. You wonder if they are right, and the fear of the possibility causes you to deal. Because none of the domino effect that come with getting rid these silicone nightmares are realistic at this point in my life I deal, and fight to ignore the burning ache. I hate them as much as I hate the numbness that consumes me and protects me from everything that tries to break me. I will always continue to smile and push forward. I will continue to try to embrace my reflection and love these things despite everything that makes me hate them. Even though the bullets of life continue to fire, I will not break, for I am, and will forever be bulletproof. 😍#mastectomylife #BRA