If we're not laughing, we're crying

Yesterday my great friend Megan and I hit the road at 3am for the journey to Mayo hospital in Rochester,MN.

We walked around down town, drinking coffee and chatting with strangers. A wise man shared his journey with us, and reminded us that if we arent laughing we're crying. That moment will forever be engraved into my soul. I walked into my appointment, unsure of what to expect. Meeting with the breast health team was a required standard protocol that would earn me a referral to the plastics team if they felt it was a plastics issue. However, when I had spoken to them on the phone, they had expressed concern on my pre breast health, multiple hamartomas and questioned my having them elsewhere. I was nervous of the answers this trip could provide. I hoped they would be able to tell me that they've seen others like me before.I hoped for answers, even though I never wanted this appointment in the first place. It was a long day full of many (tired, over caffeinated) emotions. I left my appointment in tears, trying to get as far away from the hospital before I let them fall. I was a mess, I couldn't breathe and I tried so hard to keep the brewing panic attack at bay. I could feel myself slipping.

My visit with the breast health clinic didn't go as planned. My Dr told me that because hamartomas are so rare, doing any scans to look for them would be too confusing. They don't really know where to look and what to look for. So I will continue to live with whatever disease this is, and be treated when and if new symptoms arise. She wanted me back next week for a mri of my chest wall and at that time I would visit the plastics team. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt I made this trip for nothing. I felt lost, and alone as a mystery, just as I always have. I couldn't stop the tears from welling. I wanted to get as far away from the hospital as I could, and never go back. How could I force myself to come back next week?

We got back to our hotel and I took a step back. I walked next to the lake to sit for a while. And. Just. Be. I looked up at the blue sky, and suddenly it all made sense. If we are not laughing we are crying.

In that moment, I was able to catch my breath. I realized my emotions totally took over and I lost sight of what brought me to Mayo in the first place. To see the plastics team for a second opinion. In order to see the plastics team, I had to see someone from the breast clinic to refer me.. to ensure it was a plastics issue. It never mattered how the apt with breast health went. I don't have breasts anymore. There is nothing they can do for me. As for the mri, I'm supposed to have one every 5 years to monitor any damages or changes to my implants or chestwall. At this time, I have decided to opt against the MRI until my 5 year mark. Medically speaking I'm stepping off this carousel. No more needles, no more tests, no more trying to find which .3% of the population I belong to. I am a mosaic. But I am not alone. I don't need a diagnosis to remind me if that. I called the hospital to give my decision and asked if plastics could see me today. They had a cancelation earning me the time to meet with the plastics team this morning at 10. Not with the Dr I had hoped for, but I imagine they are all great. I'm walking in with an open heart and clear mind. It is possible that this pain is my new forever. But I've traveled all this way, the least I can do is see what they have to say. So. Here goes nothing... To be continued.....