The last chapter

There's something about my husband making dinner while I'm at the gym that makes my heart spill with graditude (he made some bomb ass breakfast burritos-my fav). Not only did he take care of everything so I could work out after work, he also surprised me with a quiet night to myself, and even told me to leave the dishes for tomorrow. It's been a while since I've sat alone with my thoughts and haven't been overwhelemed by them. I became great at keeping myself so busy that I didn't have time to think. Eventually it all became too much and I broke. I wasn't ok and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Some viewed me as "that girl", and I didnt want to be her anymore. I didn't know who I was and didn't connect with my reflection . I thought about letting my blog go but soon felt guilty for not taking you to the end. SO here goes!!! Tonight I come to you from my kitchen floor with an honest update. Yes, you read that right, the kitchen floor. It's one of my favorite places to sit. I really couldn't tell you why but I always find myself sitting here on this cold floor writting.

It's been quite some time since I've written. I had fallen pretty hard and didn't want anyone to know how I was really doing. I grew annoyed with my feelings and embarrased by my emotions. It was a different kind of vulnerability, and I didn't want anyone to know. It was easier to pretend to be ok. I suppose I forget I am only human, and sometimes humans break. While broken, there can be something beautiful to be said about the cracks. Glued back together piece by piece they reveal a story, evidence that you've lived.

I tried to ignore that my entire being changed and my world shifted in the biggest ways. I went through a major major surgery, and a long road of smaller surgeries, more office visits than I can count, and some pretty terrifying moments. And while I may not have had cancer, I still went through the physical and emotional process of a double mastectomy and my family went through it with me. It was our life for the past three years and it became all we knew. Friendships changed, I got a new job and we are currently trying to adjust to life as it is now. We are finding ourselves, and ways to fall in love with life all over again. The process has changed our minds, bodies, and souls. To say that it hasn't would be a lie. It would change anyone.

I got to a point where I hated my reflection. I was in the midst of a real identity crisis. I couldn't do it anymore. I had a giant mental break down last week and realized it's ok to need help and admit when you aren't ok. My husband has inspired me in the greatest way. He has always been my light, even when his wasn't shining. Because of him I've been taking steps towards finding my inner self and regaining control again. I bleed my stresses out at the gym, I give myself time to meditate, and I've been making an effort to pick back up my hobbies. I am reading more and am writing again. I admit I need an extra hand in sorting my thoughts and how to properly cope. It is with the love and encouragement of my family that I've decided to start counseling next week. I need to take time for me. Because I don't have to vacuum every morning and cook every night, and sadly laundry will still be there waiting for me.

After much thought, I've finally decided what I'm going to do in terms of tattoos/nipples. I wasn't 100% sure until I met with my great friend and tattoo artist today. I have been on the fence about what to do for weeks. I was so torn that I avoided the decision all together. I wasn't sure I would ever feel peace one way or another so I took a leap and scheduled a consultation. I walked in there listened to my heart and suddenly I knew. I'm not ready to share my decision with the world just yet, but I feel excited and ready for all the amazing things to come. I am excited to rebuild and become who I'm intended to be. I'm ready to feel beautiful and find my confidence again. Most importantly I'm ready for the rest of my happily ever after with my family.