Learning to feel

Today I met with my breast surgeon for the last time before I say farewell to the "girls". The breasts that my 6 year old once jokingly referred to as "sad floppy little potatoes". Truth is, feeding her is what took them to that state, and while they may be sad and they may be little..they are my "floppy potatoes"...for another month at least. Dr Keller and I spoke for a while; we went over my history and decided that it would be best that I have my nipples removed as well. Doing a nipple sparring mastectomy involves saving a thin layer of breast tissue. Leaving any breast tissue behind leaves me at great risk of developing another hamartoma in its place. I have already had one removed right behind my nipple and saving something that no longer has actual purpose beyond cosmetic reasons seems silly on the scale of pros and cons. We spoke for a while and deep down I know this is what I need to do. I have to do this to ensure a long healthy life with my beautiful little family. After my appointment my mom took me to Old Navy and Target where I picked up some button up PJ's, Shirts, and some easy slip on bottoms. I will be unable to move my arms much after surgery so it will be the summer of button ups, and I plan to bring them back and rock the hell out of them!!! ;-) shopping for such an event was surreal. I have gone through all the motions and am working to be prepared, and to have everything in order for my family, yet mentally I don't know how to prepare. I am fine, I was fine, I will be fine..whatever any of that may mean. I'm trying to make all of this seem real, yet I don't know how. It feels like it's all just a dream much of the time. I went through my day, I came home, tucked my sweet princess into bed, sang her the cuppy cake song and held her until she fell asleep. Then I walked into the bathroom and next thing I know my husband was by my side with his arms wrapped around me while I cried on the bathroom floor.

I am trying to remind myself that it *IS* ok to cry. My life is changing, it is about to change, and I will never be the same again. When all is said and done I will be better, I will be healthy, I will no longer have to constantly fight and go through lumpectomies every few months, I will be strong and I will have the wounds of a warrior. I've got this. I HAVE GOT THIS!