Pushing onward

"Sometimes you've got to bleed to know, that you're alive and have a soul".-twenty one pilots Over the years Tyler Joseph's lyrics have brought me to tears more time than I can count. This morning was no different. Zach has been excited, and anxiously awaiting the drop of their new album and it's been blasting through the house the past few weeks. I wraped my arms around Zach and gave him a giant hug, not just because I knew he needed one, but because I needed one too. He will forever be my safe place. As I hugged him those lyrics came on and I sat there on his lap crying. Sometimes it takes some not so happy moments to remind us that we are alive, that life is precious and the one we are living is the only one we've got. While I'm trying my hardest to make the absolute best out of all that's come my way, Im also trying to remind myself that I need to process things and embrace the journey, all of it for better or worse. To remember to Cry, scream, be upset, be confused, be curious, and anxious. To stop allowing myself to be numb and feel nothing at all. Yesterday was a day, it hadnt quite hit me before then that this is really happening. June 16th will be here before I know it. I ordered my surgial bras today. It is both sad and amazing how many sites are dedicated to women who have had mastectomies. Did you know you can buy fake nipples?!? And for those of us that cant afford the $200+ sets of headlights they have cheaper peel and stick disposable sticker nipples for $20!! And something I ran into that left me confused is why they ask for a cup size when buying a post surgical bra..only to be reminded that you don't have an answer to that, because you won't have a cup size for some time. I did get my surgical bra however, it is said to be the best. It has holes on the side for my drain ports and tubes, and a ribbon with a circle to attatch the port bulbs to that will be my companions for a couple weeks. After hunting I was finally able to find 2 recovery bras to wear during the expansion process, ones that would grow with me and give support without needing to know a cup size. I've decided that I won't be getting any breast form inserts as I go through the transitions. I will own my flat chest and embrace being healthy again, free of harmartomas. Only a month and a half to go. #bulletproof