In the fast lane

Tomorrow will mark my 14th week! I remember counting down to my first fill. Many times I was sent home in tears having had expansion postponed as a result of slow healing and thin skin. At one point I felt as though I would never be able to get through expansion. I remember wishing I had just opted against the reconstruction and kept a flat chest. When faced with hard times, moments of disappointment, pain, doubt, or even fear it is important to remind yourself that that particular moment in your life isn't your forever. Always continue to press on knowing better days are ahead. Because I assure you, they are.

Just 6 weeks ago I was praying my skin had healed enough and that I would finally be able to resume the expansion process. With very thin and delicate skin I was only able to tollerate fills of 30cc every other week amounting for 60cc per month once I was finally able to resume the expansion process. I was very pleasantly surprised when my nurse told me that we would be doing 60cc for today's appointment!! My plastic surgeon has decided that I'm finally in a position to be bumped up into the fast lane and start receiving this new larger fill not just every 2 weeks, but EVERY week!!! I'm getting so so close to the end of this leg of the race! Today's appointment has left me at 300. There is only about 100 more to go before I have my month of rest to allow my body to adjust and heal before the swap surgery. We really are getting there!!! I laughed at the sight of thing one and thing two after expansion today. How convienet of my surgeons office to have massive mirrors in every room! I feel as though I have officially entered the akward blow up doll phase. I feel like a barbie doll! The foobs are so hard, unnaturally round, and beyond perky. I am trying to wrap my mind around them getting even bigger than this!!!

This past weekend was a big one for me!!! Many months back, before I even knew of the mastectomy, I had registered to run the insane inflatable 5k. I was very torn leading up to race day on my ability to tackle such a run. While I have been running again for a few weeks, I haven't done anything involving pulling my body up and over things. I decided to give it a try, and I am so excited I did. I felt so amazing as I slid down that last slide and through the finish line! And I did so in just over 28 minutes.

I felt so amazing that I have also decided to run the 5k race ther I've done every year on my birthday weekend. This year I won't be competing in an attempt to finish with a kick ass time, or bring home a medal for placing as I usually would. This year my motivation is to run it just because I can!!!

After the inflatable 5k I came home and got ready for my cousins bachelorette party. I went out on a limb and allowed myself to wear a strapless dress with nothing more than the built in bra it contained. I have been so desperately fighting with myself over clothes for all these weeks. Trying to hide the unnatural and sometimes even deformed looking foobs that show in certain tops through my less than cute expansion bras that make it look like I have hard nipples..which is also something I used to try to hide. (Why?! I don't even have nipples!) I allowed this part of my life, this part of me, depict my clothing ultimately effecting my confidence. I was always so concerned of what an unknowing stranger may think of me. Of why I looked like I had a lumpy chest, or why I had such a bra that looked like Madonna would have worn it in the 80s. It would take me multiple outfits and sometimes even tears before I felt decent enough to leave the house. I decided enough was enough. What better way to spread awareness than to just live and breathe?! Yes the foobs look unnatural, and yes in that dress they looked as if they were tiny shelves with a dress sitting over them, but it felt great to be in a cute dress again!!! I am done with hiding what is with the rest of the world. I am proud of my foobs, because they are a symbol of my new health and bright future.

I have had many ask me how big I am going to go, and why they are making me so big when I didn't really have large breasts to begin with. What many don't realize is when going through the reconstuction process you get no say. This isn't like a boob job. I don't get to pick my ending cup size, or discuss what look I am going for. My end result will be as much of a surprise to me as it will to you all. The most say I have pertaining to thing one and thing two is whether or not I want to undergo a later opperation to have nipples constructed. This is something I am still unsure of to be honest. As far as expansion and breast reconstruction goes, you have the expanders that your surgeon feels best suit you, you trust that your plastic surgeon will make you look your very best by the end, and you show up to the appointments that are made and pick up your feet and coast through the rest the best you can. At the time of my mastectomy surgery my plastic surgeon placed 400cc Expanders. Meaning I now have only 100 left to go until these things are full. The reason I look so akward is that they aren't for cosmetic purposes. The Expanders have a purpose and that is to stretch my chest muscles and tissue to allow for room for the implants that will come later. To allow my implants to have a more relaxed and natural looking appearance my muscles and tissue need to be stretched a bit more than needed so that there is some give to allow for room for them to sit in a more natural state..or have a little sag if you will. These giant akward unmoving rocks are not my forever. They are merely paving the way towards my forver, and now we have switched over into the fast lane.