On the fence between smiles and numbness

It has been two weeks since my last post, two weeks since I learned that I would be losing my nipples with the rest of my breasts, and two weeks to take it all in. I've read that "At times you could be fearful, stressed, angry, sad, impatient or tearful. Other times you could feel peaceful, happy, content, loved, supported and so on."-Recovering emotionally after a Mastectomy I feel most of those, and sometimes all within the same day. It's nice to know that others have felt similar thus helping me justify my roller coaster of emotions that take over when I am not feeling numb. I try to push onward completely ignoring the road at hand. Am I really protecting myself by trying not to feel? Perhaps not. I often struggle with the idea that those in the books have cancer, and I do not, not yet anyway, not that I know of..so are my feelings still justified as so? I have been struggling to find my place in this journey, a place where I can connect with others that can share their story and tell me they understand, to tell me how I am feeling is ok and normal. A friend of mine pointed out that perhaps my journey isn't supposed to lead me to others that will help me feel less alone, but to be the voice to help others, if just one, feel less alone. Those that know me best know that my life hasn't ever been particularly easy. I couldn't even tell you how often I am reminded that "God will never give you more than you can handle." Honestly, I'm starting to think God finds me a complete bad ass, because I have ALWAYS made it through, and when life seems perfect, another hand is dealt my way. While times may not have always been easy, and some storms last longer than others, I have always been able to smile and push onward finding some silver lining. I believe that everyone was made on purpose, for a purpose, and everything we go through is part of our journey to our future self. I am who I am today, because of my past. Just as in 6 months, I won't be the same person I am today. I will be reconstructed, and different, both mentally and physically. I hope to be proud, and be able to look back on this journey with thankfulness of it leading to who I am in that moment. I am anxious to meet her, I am anxious to see who I become as a result of this all. Most of my days I forget that anything is even going on. I strive to be the best mother and wife I can be, just as I always have. We play games together as a family, and share laughter. We rock out in the car, have random dance parties in the living room and snuggle up and watch movies at night. I tuck my Tegan Marie into bed every night, read her a bedtime story, sing her the cuppy cake song and hold her until she falls asleep. That is what life is all about <3 I am happy!! I am so blessed. Then she is asleep and my mind is left idle and my feelings resurface. Sometimes I feel as if I am on a fence straddling between being happy and complete numbness. I have been crying a lot lately. I am not sure if it is because I am trying to allow myself to feel, or if it is my body adjusting to being free of synthetic hormones for the first time since I was 14. It's been three weeks since my hysterectomy now, and I am sure my body is trying to adjust and find balance again. I worked a full week last week trying to resume normal life, when our life is currently anything but. My boss and I both agreed that it would be best to take time off of work until all I am healed up and good to go from the Mastectomy. This time allows me to fully recover from the hysterectomy and prepare everything I need for the mastectomy that is quickly approaching. While the financial strain of being away from work for such a length of time seems frightening, I am thankful for the extra time I will have at home. I have time to mentally prepare, time to think, time to cry, and time to soak up with my family leaning on each other when we need it most. Much of my fears don't come from the actual removal of my breasts themselves. A part of me has felt disconnected from them for some time now. Dissected and scarred, I feel that they are ticking time bombs within my chest. It is only a matter of time before another hamartoma develops, and it is impossible to know if it is malignant or not without it's removal. Constantly living on edge wondering. Though the hamartomas aren't visibly seen while glancing at my bare chest, I know they are there, I can feel them. My breasts hurt. I still find myself doing breast exams in the shower, hoping one of these times the newest hamartoma will be gone, waking me up from what feels like a dream much of the time. But it is still there leaving me numb and feeling disconnected. I am ready to have this all behind me. I am ready to see what comes next. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I am terrified. I am scared of what this is doing to my daughter, and my husband. This is changing them, and that breaks my heart. The other night as I tucked Tegan into bed she had a meltdown and talked about it for the first time. My sweet miracle is SO scared. Her heart is breaking over the idea of mommy being in the hospital again. She keeps telling me "she doesn't want me to get hurt". I wish I could protect her from that. I wish I could protect both her and Zach from that. I know the first couple days after surgery won't be pleasant. My fear comes from them having to see me in that state, both physically and mentally, to see me in such pain and feel helpless. I keep reminding them that their love is all I need, and the one thing that will always help. Tegan understands what is going on, she knows that mommys breasts are sick and that I need to do this to ensure a long healthy lifetime with her and her daddy. I have always felt education and openness help with understanding and often remind us how amazing and incredible life really is. I don't want her to be afraid of life and her body as she grows up into a women. I want more than anything for her to grow up strong, confident and knowing how precious life is and how to see the good in things. I want her to grow up and look back and see me as strong, and be proud of me. I want her to grow up educated about her body and to love herself for who she is, flaws and all. It is our flaws and differences that make us who we are. Unique and perfect. I am afraid at how I will feel when I wake up and look down at where my breasts once were. I am scared about how I will connect with my bare chest and how I will feel when I am naked starring into the mirror. Body image and confidence haven't always been something that has come easy to me. I am nervously excited. I am scared. I am dreading all that is to come, but at the same time am ready for surgery day to get here. I can't wait to have the ability to just live. I feel like I have been fighting against my body in some way or form since an adolescent. I wouldn't change any of it of course. This is the life that was given to me, and I am happy and blessed to live it. No matter what, the storm will always pass and the sun will shine again, and that is what makes a storm so beautiful.