New beginnings disguised as painful endings.

The days have been seeming to fly by, yet I feel as though I am just a fog floating through them. I am on edge. I am happy, I am blessed, I am thankful...at least a majority of time. I have always tried to see the best in things, to find the silver lining, because no matter how small it may be there always is one. Always. And this situation is no different. My silver lining is my health, I will no longer be a victim of this disease that leaves me feeling like a prisoner to my body, instead I will be a survivor, I will have won, I am going to win and be ok. My silver lining is years of happiness to come with my beautiful family and my amazing friends by my side. All storms are only temporary, and this one is no different.

When I first got the idea to start this blog, my sole inspiration was to be real, deep, and raw. To put myself out there for everyone to be a part of the process, both physical and emotional. To share my every step of this journey, the good, bad and the ugly. Such a venerability that it could leave another shaking their head, able to relate leaving them feel less alone. To remind them that it is ok to be afraid, that their feelings are justified and painful endings lead to beautiful new beginnings. This blog WILL have a happy ending. It is always darkest before the dawn.

I have had a hard time actually talking about how I REALLY feel. I have always strived to be strong, courageous, optimistic and full of positive energy. Sometimes I even appear as such, even if I feel anything but on the inside. I am all of those things, most of the time, at least while I keep busy and don't allow my mind time to think. Ideally that may be doing more harm than good. but it gets me by. I keep reminding myself that I need to think, I need to feel, and that this is real and it is ok to be scared. The numbness reminds me of other hard times I've faced, and how unhealthily I dealt with them growing up, and just how strong I actually am today. I am proud of myself for all that I am and all that I have overcome, and I know at the end of this I will be just as proud. Years ago it would have taken a self inflicted cut to remind me that I am alive and to make me feel. While I have been a self harm survivor for nearly 11 years now, the numbness always takes me back. "I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real". This is our life, in order to live it we must first feel it, for what it is and find it in ourselves to live it to it's fullest with what we have. The numbness scares me, but it also reminds me of how strong I am, because I am now able to turn it off. It reminds me that we have emotions for a reason, and that our emotions have purpose. Today it is the small things like the sound of the wind chime outside my bedroom window, or the sight of my daughters smile, or the smell of my husband, or a hug from a friend..those are the things that make me feel alive.

I have 4 weeks to go. I still don't believe it is happening. I don't know that this will ever seem real until I wake up and I have gauze wrapped around where my breasts once were. My plastic surgeons office called me to schedule my last appointment before the surgery, and the FMLA papers have been filled out for Zach's work. I am meeting with a great friend tomorrow to do some Boudoir photos of my natural body so I can always remember it, for all it's flaws and beauty, before it is changed forever. As a women it is always easy to look in the mirror and be less than happy with our reflections. It is sad that it takes the idea of losing a piece of you to realize just how much you love yourself as you are. To see the beauty in your imperfections because they make you who you are. While breasts don't make a women, they are a part of us. I remember being in 6th grade and dying to develop and actually be able to wear a real bra like the rest of my friends. I felt I would never have boobs, and lets face it..they never grew to be much haha, but they are mine. They are a part of many memories, and stories. Some not so appropriate for a public blog haha but are certainly memories I will cherish even more now. I remember when my milk came in after having our Tegan. I don't think either my husband or I could ever forget the time I took my bra off to get in the shower and I stood in the hallway crying because I couldn't remove my hands from them for long enough to turn the water on. That is the day I sprayed milk a good 7 feet across the house while standing naked in the hallway ugly crying. I will always remember the time a dear friend of mine took me to get fitted and buy my very first Victoria Secret bra, thus forever changing my life in a small way and cleavage on my post baby body.

I am losing a part of me, and though it may be small (literally), I am afraid. I am afraid of being weak and of others viewing me as such, I fear feeling afraid..of actually allowing myself to be afraid. I am scared to feel. Apparently this is all a normal part of such a journey. It is only human to fear change. Sometimes it seems easier to suffer rather than deal with the fear of the unknown. Quite often the hard thing and the right thing are the same and new beginnings are disguised as painful endings. This is only the beginning to something greater. I have a beautiful future ahead of me, I know that, but for now I am struggling. And that is ok.

I have read that "Women fear how their partner will react. They wonder how they will cope. Acute grief may last several months, with most women not truly beginning to feel okay for about a year. Eventually the intensity of the grieving should start to fade and the clouds begin to part. Feeling better may appear out of the blue, sometimes catching you by surprise." I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of actually grieving. It sounds so silly, and I am here, alive about to win the fight..I should be happy and celebrating. I have been fighting internally with both sides of emotion. Sometimes I feel my mind is a war zone of depression and happiness, perhaps that is why the numbness sets in? Perhaps numbness comes from the stalemate of the two emotions conflicting with one another.

I do know one thing for certain. Life is precious, it is a miracle, our days are unknown and every minute counts. One second could change all that you have ever known, and all that you could ever be. One smile, one phone call, one word could change everything. I have really become aware of those that are around me. My truest friends have revealed themselves as such and others have proved the opposite. I have no room in my life for regrets or grudges, none of us do to be honest. Some things just simply don't matter. I don't care what some may think of me, because I know others love me exactly the way I am, real, raw, beautifully broken, open..in both my good and bad times. Those are the people I want in my life, those are the ones I am so beyond thankful to have. To feel love from others when you are at one of your darkest hours, to have someone make you feel beautiful and special even when you don't feel it yourself, and to be reminded that it is ok to stumble and fall before getting back up again. Those are the ones that have inspired me. Those are the true gifts in my life and my diamonds in the rough. While I may be fighting internally and fighting back tears, each and every night I go to bed feeling thankful and blessed. It wouldn't be a journey if I didn't feel afraid or scared, but knowing who I have waiting for me at the finish line makes me want to try even harder to reach out to others and inspire them. I am not alone, and neither are you.