On the other side

The numbness found me again in the days leading up to my exchange surgery. I found myself crying randomly through out the days leading up to the opperation. I couldn't believe the time was finally here. I was really almost done and such a milestone left me overwhelmed, thankful, and anxious. This was a surgery that I thought of all through out my mastectomy recovery and expansion process. It marks the end of a lengthy yet challenging race. I was about to cross the finish line; I made it, yet felt numb and couldn't believe it. There are still moments where it is hard to take in the fact that all of this really happened. My mastectomy to my exchange surgery took 17 weeks. In the grand scheme of things 17 weeks is nothing, but a small portion of my life. While living in the moment it felt like my forever.

I underestimated this one. I was oblivious and assumed that having made it through the mastectomy that nothing would ever compare to the pain I experienced with the initial removal of my breasts and placement of those rigid terribly uncomfortable Expanders. I had it in my head that I would have instant releif as soon as those over filled rocks had been removed and replaced with soft new implants. I wish my assumptions had been true.

Over the course of the expansion process my right expander had torn through the suture wall allowing it to drop and shift over into a nice pocket in my armpit. Not only had it moved but the expander itself had rotated. A majority of this was my fault as I did too much too soon while recovering from the mastectomy. Lifting myself up out of bed was the biggest culprit. But how else do you sit up from the laying position?? I suppose I should have asked for help more than I did. Lesson learned.

Before taking me down to the opperating room my plastic surgeon came in to asses the foobs and see what kinds of revisions needed to be made to give me the best chance at nice symectric and natural looking foobs. She made her marks explaining that I would need a thick band of sutures anchored into my peck muscle to keep my implant from shifting over into the cozy home my expander lived in benethe my armpit. To keep the implants from dropping too low I also needed thick suture lines beneath each implant. All this revision turned my surgery into one that required an hour longer than scheduled. I can't imagine how my family must have felt when they were told the exchange wouldn't take longer than an hour and a half. Two and a half hours later I was finally in recovery.

The pain is a lot more than I imagined it to be. Due to all the added work on my right side standing up is proving to be painful. The pain radiates down my side, and up into my shoulder. Finding comfort has been difficult and sleeping has been a challenge but I'm trying my hardest to push through. I remember being in a similar place 17 weeks ago, only this time I will be extra cautious and do nothing beyond resting so that I can heal properly. I can't always be super women, I have learned that through out this journey a number of times. My surgeon went in through my mastectomy scars so that I wasn't given any additional marks on my chest. She said I had enough scars and tattoos, that I didn't need anymore. While I am unsure on the tattoo comment, I was pleased that I wouldn't be gaining any new battle wounds. I don't know how many cc's my implants are, but I was told that she put in implants that are actually larger than my expanders were. This blew my mind!! Due to the soft texture, movability and more natural shape of the implant you would never guess them to be larger than those terrible rocks I had been toting around. By the end of expansion they looked awkward and felt like over inflated volleyballs. They were uncomfortable, terribly akward and always sore. I am ecstatic to be free of them.

Yesterday I woke up excited to take a shower and get a glimpse of the newbies. I was instructed to wear a good fitting underwire bra 24/7 for the first 6 weeks while binding myself with an ace bandage over top. The underwire helps keep the implants sitting in the right place as they heal. Dr Hagarty told me that I should be about a 32d, which just so happens to be the same size I was before the mastectomy. I was excited to replace the granny looking expansion bras with my old grey lacey backed favorite. I laughed as I put on my bra and found that it didn't cover much. Definatly nothing like the pre mastectomy 32d's I had!!!

A perfectly fitting bra was very strongly advised as it is essential to my recovery. Clearly this bra isn't quite doing the trick. While I do still have some swelling I am going to get sized today and pick up a full coverage bra that offers a lot of great support and comfort to get me through the healing.

I cried a bit the first time I saw them. I wish I could fully explain the emotions I felt, but no words come close. They aren't too pretty just yet and have a lot of healing to go but they are mine. No more expanders, no more fills. These are my implants and the very things that I will spend the rest of my days with. I was told that over time the wrinkling, Puckering and indents will smooth out and disappear and eventually they will have a more natural appearance. My surgeon told me all I had left now was to go through one more surgery to get nipples. I wonder how she will react when I tell her that I'm opting against such a surgery. I remember crumbling the day I learned I would be losing my nipples. I hid in the bathroom crying hysterically unable to believe what was to come. Not having nipples didn't effect me like I had been told it would, and another surgery in the name of nipples doesn't seem necessary to me. They would have no feeling, they wouldn't look like my nipples, nor would they react as nipples should. They would be there for cosmetic reasons only. I feel that I'm ok without them.

I made it. I am finally on the other side and can work on recovery. It is such a great feeling to know the hard parts are over. The journey was nothing I had expected it to be. It was so much more. The experience, the pain, the frustraions, the laughs and the memories over the course of the past 17 weeks have all shaped the person I am today. (literally haha). I really made it. While my story isn't quite over yet, I am on the other side.