Sprinting towards the finish line

Today marks my 16th week since I said my final fairwell to my troubled twins. I write you this blog with tear clouded vision, reminiscing about the many memories and adventures the foobs and I have endured in the past 112 days. I still remember my mastectomy day as if it were yesterday. The complete numbness and denial I felt. It seemed as though I was on the outside looking in as my plastic surgeon drew the lines on my chest for my breast surgeon to follow as she cut off my breasts. How could that girl be me? How could I be only 27 and really be waiting for MY surgical team to take me back to the opperating room where they would remove a part of me? A part of my women hood that society has always put so much emphasis on. I was told I would never connect with myself the same way again. This scared me. How did I get there, and how would I live beyond those moments of fear? My mind overflowed with so many thoughts that eventually I turned them off all together. The early weeks following my surgery were some of my hardest, as any women that has been through a similar journey can contest. You are forced to feel again, and face reality. It may be more than you could have imagined and things that you once took for granted become daily struggles. You get upset and frustrated with yourself because you need help with little things such as opening the fridge. You are embarrased because you can't even reach a cup out of the cabinet and you are proud that you made your own sandwich but then cry because you can't shake the mustard. Then you finally feel well enough to get out of the house and can't wait to get dressed in something other than button up pajamas. You stare at yourself in the mirror fighting back tears because none of your clothes fit you right. But you press on and wear a smile fueled by fight and you cry in the shower so no one can hear you. Each day gets better and before you know it life resumes normalcy and you feel proud that you made it through the hard parts. One must cherish every mile of the journey, both good and bad, as they are all a part of your race. Before you know it you have miles behind you and you cross your finish line. When you do, you will look back with a happy heart and feel thankful for even the hard times for those are the moments that make the end that much more rewarding. No race goes on forever. I think this is something we tend to forget. We get caught up in the moment often forgetting about what we are working towards.

Distance runners are trained to start any race at a nice steady pace. This helps get them through the ramining miles allowing just enough energy to Sprint through the "shoot" which will lead them to the finish line. This last leg of the race is one of the most important. While other runners have over exerted themselves, struggling to reach that finish line, those that had paced their miles have the opportunity to kick it up a notch up and finish with their best efforts pushing with everything they have left. This has always been my favorite part of any race, and it makes the end that much more exhilarating. This entire process has felt a bit like that for me. I have gotten through every leg of this race not by being an optimist, but by looking towards the finish line and never giving up.

They always say "slow and steady wins the race". My reconstruction journey started off very slowly. Thin skin and delayed healing resulted in countless canceled fills, many tears and a lot of frustration. There were times where I wondered if I would ever make it to the end. It is difficult to look onward when you feel as if you're stuck running in place. But you keep running anyhow. It was just two weeks ago that I learned my body was ready to not only increase the amount I received per fill, but to have expansion done weekly! I was estactic!! This morning I was excited to get to my apt as I knew it would be my last expansion. I could see the finish line and it looked beautiful. I knew we were about to close another chapter making my next step the swap surgery. My favorite nurse took me back to the room where my chest muscles would be stretched for the last time. The two of us cracked jokes the entire time, as we always do. It was to my surprise when I learned I would meet with my plastic surgeon today for the first time in months!! Dr Hagarty examined me, commented on how thin my skin was (huge shock) and decided to over fill my Expanders leaving my 400cc tissue expansders holding 420 cc of fluid. This will allow a bit more "sag" once my soft new implants take their place. She essesed the current placement of thing One and thing two to get an idea of what revisions would be made during the swap to provide me with the most natural looking chest. I wasn't expecting more than my usual nurse visit today to see my surgeon came as a huge shock, so it was a gigantic surprise when I learned my swap surgery would be scheduled for NEXT week! I could barely breathe, I wanted to cry and I immediately called my work. I didn't plan for this, I had anticipated it not being for another 3-4 weeks. I am estatic, but I don't feel prepared. It is different when you think about the future and know the things that are to come, but it is another thing to learn that your future is now. I am in the shoot portion of this race, sprinting towards that finish line. I'm almost there. I have made it.

Here is a look back on my journey through expansion.

Where it all began

How far we have come.

Feeling confident enough to rock my first strapless dress since surgery.

My first race, and medal with the foobs

After my last and final fill