Almost there

My revision surgery is coming up quicker than I can wrap my mind around and I still have a good 5lbs to pack on to make the fat transfer as sucessful as planned. Having to gain 10lbs in a one month period sounds easy. Most of us do it around the holidays without trying. Once you are put under pressure and know a lot is put on the line over a number on the scale, weighing in daily to calculate your gain it isn't as easy as it sounds. Maybe I have developed one bad ass metabolism over the past few yesrs, but I really don't know how wrestlers do it!!

I have been bopping back and forth, getting excited over a growing number, then feeling anger when I see the scale dropped again from one day of not over engourging myself. This is strange for me as I have always lived my life with a different strategy. In my promise to be strong and healthy I've spent the past 4 years on a clean diet with a cheat day once a week. Little to no gluten, limited sugar intake, good fats, high protein etc. In our house if you wanted chips and dip you better like humus and pretzel crisps. Want meatloaf, great..it will be made with quinoa instead of crackers. Enjoy pizza, me too..I won't tell you the crust is gluten free. I have had to go against everything my body has known and this process has only proved just how great I actually felt eating clean, and how terrible preservatives and junk leaves you feeling. My body is in total shock. I feel sick every single day. I wake up nauseous, and have no energy. I have no appetite but have to force myself to eat anyhow. The second I relax and stop focusing on what to eat next, the scale dips again. With one week left before my preop, this is something I can't afford.

People have told me that they wish they had this issue, that most would love to eat anything and struggle gaining weight. But frankly this situation pisses me off! I have always struggled with the opposite! One slip up would pack on the pounds! I always had to be careful. I have faught with eating disorders my entire life and have always had to be conscious of what I put into my body in combination with my activity level that day to stay where I felt most comfortable being. I used to crave junk food, and then feel guilty for eating it. Now that I am put in a situation where I have to gain weight, and can eat all the junk and fat I want the scale doesn't want to budge. Why?! It is frustrating. Perhaps it is karma!

Thankfully I am half way there. As of today I have hit my 5lb mark (again). It has taken me three weeks to get here, and I have about a week to go to put on another 5. I don't know how I will do this, but I promise you all, I am trying with everything I have. I always try my hardest to take things in stride with style and grace. This one has me caught up a bit. I felt pure defeat the other night as I laid on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball clutching my knees crying in pain. We had homemade pizza on real crust for dinner that night and typically I would eat two pieces, but in my attempt to gain I had four, followed by a Butterfinger for dessert. I felt miserable so we went to bed early. Like most nights recently my goal was to go to sleep and sleep away the stomach ache. Except this time I couldn't, and eventually my body rejected everything I had consumed. I felt so defeated in that moment. I needed that food to stay in, I needed those pounds and my mind just couldn't override my body that night. But the next morning was a new day and I went right back at it.

I know this is a small fight, and to most it seems like no big deal. For me it is quite a battle, but nothing I can't get through. I am confident that I will celebrate with all of you on the another side in a couple weeks. I promise you all, as well as myself that I will reach this goal!!! This surgery will be the last one and will put me another step closer to finishing this chapter off with two cherries (nipples) on top. I am almost there!! I don't know that I could have made it this far without you all. From my co-workers who surprise me with baskets of junk food at work, and remind me to eat, to my family that checks in to remind me this will be over soon, to my friends that are there for late night texts when I'm crying and questioning my ability to finish this task. I can not thank you enough for your love, support, kindness, and making me laugh when I want to break down. We are almost there.