Learning to break down walls

I don't know what I would do without my writting. I have always written through my troubles and found such a comfort in expressing myself, even if no one reads what I have to say. It is the only way I can let myself be vulnerable and honest with my inner being. Much of the time I forget they are posted for public eyes until I feel the anxiety as I stare at the "post" button. I'm trying so hard to break away from my debilitating habbit of caring what others think. This past year has been one of the hardest for me, for a number of reasons. Then again nothing about my life has been easy. Not many know my past. While somethings are out of your control they do shape who you become. I have always fought hard to be the best version of myself. I am very self aware and am always trying to grow. My husband and daughter are my saving grace. They are my light in my darkest moments and remind me that life is beautiful. They love me unconditionally for who I am. They are my stregth and the fire behind this blog. I am falling. I feel the depression is creeping back and I am giving my everything to overcome it and find my silver linnings. I am surrounded by them. I know what eats me up inside and I am going to squash it into the ground. That small voice inside my head that makes me question myself will be laid to rest. I am ready to take charge. We all have moments of success and failure and we all have times where we feel happy or heartbroken. We are human. I think often we forget that. To never have hard times means never knowing the true beauty of the good.

My number one issue: I care. I have always struggled with letting myself shine for who I am. I have a hard time letting my walls down and allowing the world to see me as I am. I always feel as if I have something to prove, or that I won't be loved if someone knew the real me...the real inner being of who I am. I long to be liked and accepted. I spent years being told I wasn't good enough. I have learned how to co-exsist and wear a smile as amor. I put up walls and keep myself locked inside a cage constantly questioning myself. This wall is tearing me apart and I can't go on like this anymore. I have to break free so here goes. This is my step one.

I am Kristy. I was born a free spirit. The daughter of a navy man and an amazing young women from a small town. I am from San Diego. I miss the beach, and the smell of the salt in the air, the street fairs, the art and the acceptance that such a diverse city gives. I have never quite felt like I fit in here, and that's when my struggles began. I just wanted to fit in, and no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't, but eventually it got easier and I learned to adapt. I try too hard and care too much...about everything. I am open, I am honest, yet I sensor myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love easily and judge few. I give a mile to others and alow them to take two. I envy those that do and say what they want without thinking twice. I find beauty in their confidence and hope one day I can find my own. I am bright and bubbly yet hold a lot of darkness inside that I don't want anyone to know about, so I try to hide it. I am embarrassed by them, often fearing I would be seen as less of a person if people knew I cried in the shower that day. I give my everything and am a perfectionist. I am my own worst enemy and constantly find myself fighting with the voices in my head. I am edgy and weird. I'm quirky and easily excited. I am a smart ass, I am loud..and more often than not, I won't get your jokes. I am deep and complex yet love simplicity. I love high fashion and art and the fast pace of the city. I love jeans and hoodies and the simplicity of sitting in the grass outside watching live music as the day turns to night. I miss the smell of the burnt rubber on the race tracks of el cajon speedway. Every time I go to Chicago I don't want to leave. My record player is the best gift I've ever received. Music is my favorite medicine..it lights me up and leaves me feeling weightless. I feel high when I close my eyes, throw my arms in the air and dance like I'm the only one in the room. I get lost in books and feel infinate knowing I am not alone in this world. I am a free spirit at heart and need to break free from this cage. I am known for shutting myself down and becoming numb, often going through the motions of life as a means to protect myself and shield others from seeing what is weighing on my heart. I am affraid to let myself fall. I am constantly worried that such a stumble would make others think less of me. I am working on this. We are all struggling with something no one knows anything about. We all make mistakes, we all go through hard times. I am in that place and I am currently working on it. This year my goal is to embrace who I am for every piece of me. To have learned from my mistakes and to not only be who I am, but let others see who I am. The shy, the scared, the proud, the excited, the deep, the dark, the bright the happy. We are all many things, We are all unique. I am ready to find my light again. If you are around me in the future and feel I am different, or have changed..it is true. I am evolving and am working on finding myself. I am unlocking the cage and letting myself fly <3