Yesterday I hit 3 weeks post op!!!! It has only been 3 short weeks since I saw MY breasts for the last time, yet it already feels like forever ago. I find myself looking at pictures taken just before the surgery and realize I have already forgotten what they looked like, how they felt, and how I looked with them. I am different now, and the thinned skinned lumpy under construction chest is the new, temporary me. Honestly, I am perfectly ok with that. Knowing that the breasts I was born with were nothing more than ticking time bombs only reminds me life will be better without them. I will be healthier without them, and that makes my new chest beautiful in itself.
Yesterday I saw my plastic surgeon for my 3 week check up. I have met with her 1-2 times a week since the mastectomy and will continue to do so for many weeks to come. My appointment was for the removal of the steri strips and my first expander fill. While I did have my steri strips removed, fully exposing my new chest, we had to postpone starting expansion for another week. The insicion on thing one is taking its sweet time healing and my skin is still too thin all around. Starting expansion before my chest is ready can cause a world of trouble and complications.
The idea of seeing my fully exposed bare chest for the first time brought me anxiety. I have been covered by steri strips unable to see what thing one and thing two truly look like. Having had my nipples removed too, I was nervous how I would react upon seeing them. I even asked that I go through this appointment alone, bracing myself for potential tears. If I've learned one thing through this process it is that emotions hit out of the blue and there is nothing you can do should your Damn break. I sat there in a chair that resembled a dentist chair without the tools, and braced myself for the sticky tape to come off. Except I felt nothing. I wonder if I will ever get used to not having any feeling upon my foobs surface? When I looked down at my Nipple less chest for the very first time I did nothing but smile. In that moment I felt happy, and safe. Aside from the slow healing, they look beautiful. I am so happy with the job Dr Hagarty did with sewing me back up, and in time my scars will be barley visible at all. We are getting there.
I am now out of pain meds and doing it on my own with the help of ice and ibuprofen. I have muscle relaxers but only take them before my weekly appointments. The hour long car ride, and all the extra attention my foobs receive aren't tolerated too well just yet. My chest still hurts, pretty badly, and the discomfort is constant. I asked my surgeon about the terrible burning sensation deep within and was told it is something that needs time, along with the rest of me. The open blister feeling is caused by the rough sandpaper like texture of the expander rubbing on the newly severed nerv endings within my muscle. She said that I will continue to feel this sensation until the nerve endings desensitize. One way to speed the process along is to purposly cause discomfort by pressing and rubbing my chest forcing them to desensitize faster. Ouch!
I hit a super huge exciting milestone yesterday as I was told that I could swap out being bound in an ace bandage for a compression bra. I was Soo excited to slip on my Elizabeth mastectomy bra and not feel like I was suffocating. I was Starting to feel so annoyed and claustrophobic in that darn wrap. Not to mention it resulted in planning my showers around the availability of others as wrapping myself was very difficult. While my new found freedom allowed me to breath easier, and get dressed on my own, it has also increased the rubbing burning feeling. Less compression gives more room for movement and since I'm so tiny and everything is literally crammed in my chest The friction is inevitable. I'm hoping this desensitizes those nerves at a faster rate.
Next Tuesday we are finally going to start expansion. We are taking it very slow and only doing 30cc's for my first fill. Because I am so tiny with little skin to spare, the process is going to be much slower and more painful than it would have been otherwise. This entire thing has been so so much more than I could have ever imagined. I keep reminding myself that it is only temporary and soon I will forget how the process felt and I will be rocking my foobs with the journey to them a distant memory. Until that moment I will continue to press on, slowly but surely.
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