Thin skin

Growing up I was a very emotional child. I would worry about things that weren't for me to worry about, get upset about things that didn't effect me, and I strived to please others. I took the weight of the world on my shoulders. I remember being told multiple times to "grow some thicker skin." Little did I know there would come a day where I would actually be fighting to grow thicker skin.

Fighting with eating disorders through most of my teen and early adult years, and then later gaining a lot of weight due to Having destroyed my metabolism. I faught hard to transform myself and become healthy and the ultimate me. To make strong the new skinny.

My years of planks and pushups strengthed my upper body, also removing any fat I had previously wore. During a total mastectomy all breast tissue is removed down to the muscle, the nipple and surrounding skin is removed and those who undergo reconstruction with tissue expanders have their pec muscle cut in half and the expander placed within the pocket.

This gives it some added support since they don't sew them in. My expander is mearly crammed within my chest with folds and ridges which will smooth out as they fill. Just as an inflatable beach ball has ridges and corners until filled. Only problem is, my skin is SO thin. I had no fat within my chest and didn't have very large breasts providing much excess skin either. With the swelling gone you can see everything within my chest, every ridge, every fold, every corner created, or knot at the end of a stitch.

This morning I unwrapped to shower and noticed that I had a corner, or knot from a stitch..whatever the case, something has torn its way through my skin. Thankfully my skin no longer has feeling because I can't imagine what this would have felt like.

I'm not quite sure what this means, but I was told that once I start the expansion process I will loose all the harsh folds and corners because the expander is actually round in shape. I have an appointment on Tuesday, but at this rate I don't know what will happen next. Has my skin thickened enough to do a fill and hopefully force that harsh corner to fold in a bit? Or will I have to wait longer. Looking at them makes me feel nauseated. It is an uneasy feeling being able to see something that is within your body so clearly through your skin. I could never be a nurse.

Aside from not having thick enough skin, I am doing wonderfully. Emotionally I feel strong. I haven't shed a single tear since my giant cry last Sunday night. Maybe that was the very thing I needed. Perhaps it's true when they say tears cleanse the soul. We made it through Zachs first week back to work, and life is slowly resuming back to normalcy. The pain has turned into more of an annoying discomfort that I am getting better at coping with and though I'm still easily exhausted..I'm finding each day continues to get better. Bed time remains my least favorite part of the day. Trying to get comfortable can take a while, and a lot of pillows. Haha The best way to describe it is that raw scratchy burn one would feel when a blister has been broken open...that is how my entire chest feels all of the time. I'm not sure if that is how it is for everyone, or if it's just because my tissue is so thin that my expanders (which are gritty in texture to keep them in place) sit closer to the surface rubbing? Whatever the case, I feel that the foobs have come a long way from the pain I felt just 2 weeks before. Little by little each day will continue to get better. I am continually excited to see what tomorrow holds.