Resuming normalcy

The past 5 weeks have been a roller coaster, not only emotionally but physically as well. The expectations we set for recovery tend to be a steady uphill climb to the top when realistically we get turned around, go backwards, and sideways every now and again. While we may not be constantly climbing that mountian, it is important that we always place one foot in front of the other and continue to march forward.

Mornings are still my least favorite time of the day. Your muscles stiffen down on the Expanders and you wake up stiff and sore every day. This feeling fades away and as the day goes on its easy to forget that the mastectomy even happened. Much of the time I feel that I am doing wonderfully, and at others my emotions get the best of me. Not because I'm sad, or mourn the loss of my breasts, but because I get frustrated. Frustration is invoked by many situations such as not being able to do things you once did, or forgetting what you're capable of and having shooting pain bring you back to reality. Even getting dressed can be a source of both happiness and tears depending on the given day. Trying to pick the right outfits that both make me feel good, fit me, and hide the awesome granny expansion bras that I dont imagine would leave any 27 year old feeling very pretty can be a chore. Because I'm so thin up top, and they remove breast tissue up from locations in your chest you never knew it exsisted in, I'm left with an indent where my cleavage once formed and a buldge from my sternum. I have tiny foobs, but still have a flat/indented chest in all my clothing. After the next surgery this will all be a thing of the past as they move the foobs placing them higher and more centered creating a natural look. For now, the sole concern is expanding my chest to make room for the implants to happen.

This past weekend was my 10 year high school reunion!!! I had so much anxiety that I almost didn't go. Trying to find the perfect outfits for the weekends activities left me feeling a bit down and out, but I was so so excited to finally be able to put on and button my own jeans. You don't realizing how much you use your chest in such a simple act until your chest muscles have been compromised.

I was so excited and ready to go, until five minutes into the drive. Lately social interactions, especially with those that may have heard about my situation, leave me feeling very anxious and vulnerable. I fear being looked at in a different light or treated differently. And the last thing I ever want is pitty or sympathizing stares. Thankfully those that knew were so amazingly kind and the nervousness quickly fadded away. I am always proud to answer questions and help educate others on the topic. I feel that it is one that is kept so quiet, especially in my age group. I even had a few girls poking and fondling thing one and thing two amazed and how strange the Expanders and ports felt! Haha at one point I even showed my no nipples off to a fellow classmate that didn't believe I was nipple-less. And I did it with full pride! This is who I am now. I am a tiny, 27 year old mother and wife rocking a healing nipple less chest through expansion. And I am proud, and I am still the crazy go lucky me that I have always been, maybe even better!!!!.

The foobs are now a day shy of being 6 weeks post op!!! They continue to get better with every day and are trying their very best to heal. I'm still struggling with my thinner skinned, stubborn thing one, and over the weekend the scab that had been holding her closed had been taken out at the hands of my gauze. She has since closed a bit and is working hard to heal. This only reminded me that, while I was upset last week for having expansion called off and put on hold until next week, that the time is really needed for my healing.

aside from that small trouble spot, they are doing great! The right side sits lower and over towards my armpit still. It isn't noticeable when clothed, but I can certainly feel it's presance when trying to reach my right arm across my body.

Here is my view looking down

6 weeks is a huge huge deal!! I'm excited to be at this milestone. Life is slowly resuming normalcy. I am back to driving, I can do my own hair with out any fight or exhaustion, button my own jeans, and do much of what I would normally do. I still get tired pretty quickly and activity leaves me sore but it's great to be feeling like myself again. I'm craving the day that I can run again, and am allowed to vacuum and mop my floors on my hands and knees, but I know those days are coming. In 7 short days I will be back into the working world starting a new job. And in a couple weeks our daughter will be starting 1st grade and going back to dance class.Life will be busy again, and full of activity all while making my weekly trips to see my plastic surgeon for expansions. I imagine it will be exhausting in the begining, but I am so excited to no longer feel as if I am stuck in limbo. The worst is behind me. I have a lifetime of adventure and health ahead of me. I'm excited to see where life goes from here.