Another night closer

The days go by perfectly. Full of family, friends, love, laughter, normalcy, and optimism. In all honesty, I am doing great! I really feel great. I am happy. I am blessed. I am thankful.

The nights are what get me. I both love and hate them all the same. They are so peaceful, and calm. I enjoy having a hot cup of tea and reading the quotes that dangle from the string on the outside of my cup. Sometimes I feel as if they were written just for me. The evenings leave me time to reflect on the day and just how lucky I really am. I always smile feeling thankful for something, because no matter what, there is always something to be thankful for. My heart melts as I tuck our Tegan Marie into bed and she wraps her little arms around to give me hugs. Tonight she sang me "you are my sunshine" before kissing me goodnight. Sometimes I still can't believe she is mine. She really is my little dream. Before I know it she is sleeping and I am left alone in a quiet house with my thoughts. Our days have been busy, I've made them that way on purpose. I should be tired by the end of the day, but sleep doesn't seem to find me easily lately. I feel restless. I was up late last night thanks to the noise in my head, and let's be honest, life with a bouncing 6 year old doesn't allow for sleeping in or naps. I should be ready for bed, but I'm not. So here I am. Writing helps.

I packed my hospital bag today!!! My sister joined us for dinner tonight, and while it cooked we hung out in my room filling up my duffle and zipping it shut. I think I have everything. It contains breast comfort pillows, my breast recovery robe (contains special pockets to house the drain bulbs that will be a part of me for 1-2 weeks proceeding surgery), dry shampoo, a headband, face cleansing wipes (so I can feel refreshed), mouthwash (no dragon breath for me!), a brush, thank you cards, water bottle with a straw, the stuffed rino my sister gave me, chapstick, lotion, nipple shaped mints, and a puzzle book and deck of cards to help occupy anyone that needs a distraction from the clock. I was told it would be about 4-5 hour operation. I couldn't imagine being on the other side of this, the side with the clock. My bag is packed, zipped up and contains everything the "What to pack for your mastectomy" lists mention. Not to worry, I have clean undies packed too ;-) I have all the essentials, but to be honest, my bag is mostly just packed full of snacks for Zach and his time at the hospital with me. I want to be sure that he has something to eat beyond hospital cuisine and the "food" the vending machines have to offer. So classic of me to think of all the tiny details and everyone around me. I have lived my life constantly being told to just worry about myself. But that isn't who I am. I can't help but worry about everyone else, especially those that mean so much to me. Much of my fear surrounding next week and the weeks to come is due to my family. Zach and Tegan. I know I will be ok, but I need to know that they will be ok to. I don't want Tegan to cry for me when I have to be away, I don't want Zach to feel anxious and fear my pain. I live my life for them, I am doing this for them, and I know this is going to change them just as it will change me. I wish this didn't have to change them. I hope to make them proud. I will fight and do everything in my power to ensure this is as easy of a transition for them that I can. I plan to have the house cleaned up nicely, all laundry done, fresh sheet on the beds, and everything organized and in it's place. I even have a deep freezer containing 17 freezer meals I prepared for the occasion so they don't have to worry about cooking. And now I have a hospital bag full of snacks. haha. The lists in my mind seem never ending. Perhaps that is why I can't sleep. I am as prepared as I physically can be. I guess one would say that I am ready, and I am in a sense. On the other hand I am not ready at all. I just keep reminding myself that in 6 days, I will be on the road to recovery and can finally be on the way to rebuilding. This has been part of our lives for the past year now, and we will finally be able to move onto the next step. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon the fear will be gone. It will be real. I will be living it and striving with all I have to push through the speed bumps gracefully with the finish line in sight. We are getting there. One day at a time. "Sometimes what you're most afraid of, is the very thing that will set you free". I am ready to be free.