One day at a time

Yesterday was a big milestone for me. One week post op!!! It seems strange to think that I saw my breasts for the very last time a week ago, and soon it will be two weeks...and before I know it I will barely remember them at all. For that, I am so greatful for the the boduire shoot my friend did for me a few weeks before the mastectomy. It is true when they say "you dont know what you've got until it's gone". While my breasts never made me who I was, they were a part of me.

I woke up yesterday feeling pretty great. I woke up on my own, and not because my chest was screaming because my pain meds had worn off, and I was able to sit up in bed, on my own, without excruciating pain for the very first time. I knew at that moment it was going to be a great day. I had some pep in my step, and I felt significantly better than the days before. I took advantage of this and got wild and crazy!

And by wild and crazy I mean that I showered, shaved my legs, washed my own hair and even blowdried and straightened it, threw some makeup on, and got myself dressed...in real clothes(elastic band shorts, and button up top). I still needed my husband to help me with my dressings and binding my chest back up...but I was pretty Damn proud!!! I even opted to go to my daughter's library event with her. It was there that I realized that I am only a week out from such a major surgery. I still can't open my car door, and I received a dirty look from a lady when I didnt hold the door to the library open for her, a heavy oak door that my 6 year old had opened for me. Just proves that you should never judge another. They may look fine, but perhaps they are struggling and doing their best and crumbling inside because they wanted nothing more than to hold the door for you, but physically couldn't.

Before I knew it, it was time to make the hour journey to my plastic surgeons office for my one week post op. I admit, I was nervous to see her. Especially given the past two times I had seen her she left me angry, and feeling less than for chosing my breast surgeons treatment plan over hers. I never knew nipples were of such great importance until I sat through her lectures. I was determined to walk into her office yesterday with my head held high, looking my best, and exuding confidence...even if it killed me. I wanted nothing more than to prove to her that I can love myself and feel beautiful even though I chose to remove my nipples. And I did!!! With or without nipples, I am still a badass!!!!

My appointment went well. I undressed from the waist up and sat there focusing on the cabinet trying to remind myself to breathe so I didn't pass out. I still don't do well with gravity on my bare chest. As much as I feel like I'm suffocating being bound up, I quickly miss my wrap when my chest is left free. After what felt like a short eternity she came in to see me. Thankfully she was very kind this time which helped ease some of my fears about the journeys to come with her as my primary Dr. She asked how I was, and I told her great. She asked how I was feeling and I giggled and told her gravity was NOT my friend. She was very happy to see how beautifully I was healing. The swelling was under control, the bruising was at a normal level, and my right drain was ready to come out..but I will get to that in a minute. Because I am so thin I had no fat between my skin and my breast tissue. Having had all breast tissue removed means my skin was left incredibly thin. In a few spots it is like tissue papper and you can actually see through it to all the red capillaries in my muscle that sit just beneath the surface. Because of this we have to be very careful, and go through expansion slowly, and maybe even push it back a bit, which I am ok with. I don't want to rush it. My right expander has shifted over into my armpit, meaning an awkward summer and one hell of a side "foob" (foob=fake boob..I don't have boobs anymore). It will be uncomfortable as the expansion process continues on fighting with a foob in my armpit, and eventually I won't be able to cross my right arm. But, it's only temporary. When she goes back in to swap the expanders out for implants, she will make any revisions needed, and add a band of sutures in my right armpit to help keep the implant from migrating back over into the pocket my expander has made its home. There is a huge chance that my left drain will come out this Friday. Output has decreased significantly and once it is at less than 30cc a day I can have that one removed too. After knowing the 5 seconds of sheer agony having one removed causes, I'm nervously excited. But everything you read about the hell that the JP drains are...they are all true. There is just nothing like the burning, itching, pulling, and discomfort caused by your body trying to heal around a tube that is draining fluid from the inside of your body. They are annoying, uncomfortable, add bulk to anything you wear, and the tubes are a pain to hide...and not doing so involves random stares from strangers that don't know any better. Needless to say, I'm ready and excited to have the last one gone. I go back next week to have my steri strips removed, and if my inscicion looks good, and my skin is up for it, we may start expansion. Right now it is a waiting game and we are taking it one day at a time.

I probably did too much yesterday, and I am hurting pretty badly today as a result. It was just nice to feel a bit more like myself again, if only for the day before my body pulled me back down to reality. Zach goes back to work tonight so my mom is here to stay for the next 3 days to help me with things around the house and help keep my crazy active 6 year old happy and content. Little things like reaching a cereal bowl off the shelf use a lot of determination and focus, and lifting a gallon of milk is out of the quesion. I can't open anything that twists, and even opening kitchen drawers proved to be difficult. But slowly those things won't take so much effort, and eventually I will have my strength back. I'm taking things in stride and living my life thankful for all that I have, how far I've come and will continue to take it one day at a time.