Under Construction

The following blog contains material that is graphic in nature. All photos are intended for a mature audience and are for educational purposes only.

On the morning of Tuesday June 16th, I woke up and begin cleaning up the house, just as I do every day. I took a shower and took a moment to look into the mirror, realizing that would be the last time I saw that same reflection ever again. I knew that in a few hours my life would never be the same again. I've struggled with the reality of it all and though I had gone through the motions, I still never felt like the mastectomy was really going to happen. I finished packing up my hospital bag, and before I knew it we were on our hour drive to the hospital.

I walked through the hall towards the surgical check in desk with my husbands hand in mine. Even sitting in the hospital bed after my IV was placed I felt as if I was a part of a dream. The nurses kept asking me how my anxiety level was, but honestly I felt nothing. The numbness I felt that morning was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I knew this surgery was one that would save my life in the long run, and was essential for my well being. I knew the facts, but couldn't seem to make the situation actually seem real. My Breast Surgeon came in to talk with me before hand, I remember being so happy to see her. Dr Keller has always been a huge advocate for me and I found comfort in knowing she would be there for part of the operation. I had told her of the disagreement my plastic surgeon and I had as far as my treatment plan goes.

The treatment plan that Dr Keller and I had made with my best interest at heart. The removal of my nipples. I made her promise me that she took them even though my plastic surgeon didn't agree. A bit later my plastic Surgeon came in and asked what I had decided. I had told her that I wanted to continue on with the original treatment plan of taking my nipples with the rest of my breast. She didn't agree with my decision, nor did she seem to try to understand. Breast hamartomas need breast tissue to thrive, keeping my nipple meant sparing breast tissue. I just couldn't keep something because of cosmetic reasons when their removal gave me a better chance of long term health. I wasn't going to sway my decision, I knew what was best for myself and my family. So Dr Hagarty drew her incision marks on my breasts and I was another step closer to being on the other side. They started me on an antibiotic before taking me back to help eliminate any risk of infection. My entire body started to painfully itch, they gave me some "I don't care meds" I kissed my family goodbye and I was rolled away.

The last thing I remember was laying on the operating table with the mask over my face, and my breast surgeon saying "Shes having an allergic reaction. Apparently my entire lower half was covered in hives, and it was quickly spreading. She said had it hit my abdomen or chest surgery would have been canceled. Thankfully my anesthesiologist acted fast and got everything under control.

The surgery ended up lasting almost 5 hours and went perfectly. Even when I woke up in recovery I felt as if it was all just a dream, yet it wasn't. My breasts were gone. I slept a majority of the day away and held up pretty well. It wasn't until that evening that I shed my first tears. I had really done it, my breasts were removed and replaced with tissue expanders that will slowly pave my way to the implants that I will have placed months down the road. Because I am so skinny I didn't have any fat in my chest to help separate between my muscle and the ultra thin skin. They took my muscle, fillet it down the middle creating a pocket that they placed the tissue expander within.

My plastic surgeon was able to fill them with 125 cc of fluid. In a few weeks I will begin my weekly expansion appointments. Right now I look rough, there is a lot of dimpling, wrinkles, and bruising. Because my skin is so thin you can see my drain tubes and the corners of my expanders. Looking in the mirror seems so surreal. I am under construction and this is the beginning of another journey. My chest hurts in a way that I never knew could be possible. My ribs and sternum feel like they are being crushed beneath the pressure, my chest skin feels like it is on fire, and nothing I do or take provides me with much comfort. I know this is only temporary, and the start of better things that lay ahead. For now I am trying to keep my head up and remind myself of why this was the path that was taken, and of the bright future that I will soon be a part of. There is still a bumpy road ahead of us. For now, I am taking it one day at a time.