Numbness

Numbness. How do you turn it off?? Is there a way to make yourself feel? Or is it that you're at such peace that the absence of emotions is perhaps the strongest thing you've ever felt. How do you know if you're at peace, or if you're simply numb?

Tomorrow is the mastectomy. The day is finally here and I still feel like it isn't going to happen. I can't seem to make it seem real. I spent all of today preparing. I have my entire house cleaned, laundry done, sheets cleaned, and everything in its place. Our bags packed and everything is ready to go. I even know what I'm wearing to the hospital tomorrow. Yet I don't feel as if any of this is happening. I don't know why that is.

We have kept ourselves busy this past week. Occupying our minds and soaking up every bit of family time, just enjoying the simple things in life. Months ago when we learned I would be having the mastectomy, we decided that we would spend the Saturday before surgery on a "beach".

And when I say beach I don't mean the seaweed infested, warm salty pacific ocean that I grew up on. When you live in Illinois the term beach means there is sand..essentially anything that isn't a river or pool. The weather Saturday was a chilly 60 degree rainy day, but nothing was going to keep us from having our feet in the sand. I wanted nothing more than to be in my suit for what will probably be the first and last time of the summer. So, We loaded up the car, and drove 2 hours to Lake Geneva. We enjoyed a picnic lunch admiring the sandcastle we made together.

We played in the water, Buried Tegan and turned her into a mermaid, and walked around main street and stopped for icecream. The day turned out to be beautiful and mother nature stayed on our side. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

Sunday we met with Zach's parents for an amazing breakfast at a Swedish restaurant, and later met up with friends for some outdoor festivities and fireworks.

It has been the most incredible weekend, and exactly what we all needed. My heart simply overflows.

Tomorrow is surgery day. Tomorrow is it. I have had an out pour of love and support today, many texts just checking in to see how I am doing, and wishing me well for what comes next. I don't know how I feel to be honest. I don't seem to feel anything at all. But I like to think I am ready.And I hope to make you all proud!!! I am ready to see what comes next. I am ready to be on the other side and start the next chapter. I am not losing my breasts. I am giving them in exchange for longevity and health. I am giving a part of me to ensure a long healthy future with my family. I chose to be proactive and kick ass before anything has the chance to kick mine. For that reason alone I am ready. Good things are ahead and the future is so bright.

You all are about to embark on a bumpy next few weeks with me. You will see me at moments of both my best, as well as worst. When I write again, I won't be the same person that I am right now. I will never be the same again. I will have won. I will be in the next chapter. I can't wait to meet you there.