Emotional Battles

We all struggle with deep Emotional Battles. Sometimes we find ourselves fighting internally with how we wish we felt and how we actually feel. Quite often I over think things, I wish I could turn my minds overdrive function off. It isn't anything new for me to become upset with myself for feeling, for actually feeling. Happiness is my go to, and I feel it deeply, and become annoyed when other emotions creep into my mind and put a temporary mask over my happiness. I suppose all emotions are needed to really survive in this world, to feel both alive and really appreciate all that life is. Fear is my least favorite of them all. It is one that surrounds us daily, that takes a lot of effort and internal fight to push aside and remind ourselves that everything will be ok. Because it will, one day, somehow, everything will be ok and work out in the way it was intended to. I used to think fear was a sign of weakness, but it quite the opposite. "It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really really brave."

I now have less than a week until surgery. At this time next week I will be just hours post op laying in the hospital bed without the breasts I was so excited to finally acquire in middle school. But it isn't about saving the breasts, it is about saving the women. This journey will bring me to a bright future full of health and many years of happiness, that I know to be true. But how do I take it in and stop feeling as if this is all a dream. I still find myself doing breast exams in the shower, as if that will change anything. Next week they will be gone. I was gifted with some beautiful prints of my boudoir shoot that are now hanging in my room below a sign that says "Faith". I have walked by the photos a number of times in the days I have had them. I stop and look at them often and and have a hard time realizing they are me, and the reason behind why I took them. I see them and know that soon, when I look them, I won't be the same girl that is in the photos. I will be different, and changed both physically and mentally. I will never be that same girl again. I am confident that I will come out better than her in the end. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit afraid.

This past weekend many of my closest friends and family gathered together for a farewell party for the "girls". Complete with nipple cookies, Mamo-grahms and boob cupcakes and bra lined fences. I was filled with a lot of anxiety leading up to this particular day. I was nervous about how it would go.

In situations where life hands you a crappy card, others become sympathetic, and sometimes overly so. It is in our human nature to console others and show compassion. I didn't want the attention on me, or the overly sympathetic hugs followed by the "I'm sorry's". I didn't want to be "that girl", because I am not. I am not losing, I am winning and such battles deserve happiness and celebration.

Life has been amazing, and I am thankful for each and every day. Our little is out on summer break meaning a little extra bit of sunshine fill my days. Her smile has a way of making me forget about the rest of the world. We have been filling our days to the max with little adventures, projects, and visits with friends and family. I'm trying to make up for the days of pain and recovery that are ahead. This morning I was able to go on a run for the first time in 6 weeks (due to having a hysterectomy). It felt soo amazing to be back out there pounding my emotions into the pavement. I have greatly missed my personal prozac and plan to cherish every second I have until I have to give it up again next week.

Tegan even asked if she could go for a small run with me so her and I set out and she made it .67 miles. Being out there with her by my side was probably the highlight of my day, well that and the iced coffee my husband made me <3 The rest of our week is pretty busy, actually every day leading up to my surgery has some plan or another. While I am excited my mind will be kept occupied, I am also aware that keeping so busy makes time seem to go by faster. I am not sure how I feel about that. I am ready to be on the other side of this, and to be living it rather than anticipating it but at the same time, I am starting to feel afraid. Not just for me, but for my family. I hate knowing that I will need them to help me through my daily life during the early days. Things like buckling my seat belt, opening the fridge, washing my hair, or even pulling my own pants up. I hate when the line between lovers and care taker has to cross. I know our vows said for better or worse, but I wish I didn't have to need Zach in that sort of way. I wonder how they will look at me after this is all said and done? How will I look at myself? Will my husband still want to come up behind me and cup my breasts while kissing my neck when I am doing dishes? Because I love it when he does that. Will he still see me in the same light and find me sexually attractive once that part of me is missing? I have so many questions, and I can't get them to stop

My hospital admittance packet arrived the other day, and I have my bag setting out, partially packed. I can't bring myself to finish packing it up just yet. I have looked up lists upon lists on what to take, and still it sets in my closet. The days are going by quickly and Tuesday will be here before I know it. I have never been one to procrastinate, but this is different for me. I do know one thing though, I will be taking my nipple shaped mints along! I can't wait to ask one of my nurses if she would like to have one of my nipples! haha. I am sure I will be higher than a kite on pain meds when I do..and perhaps everyone in the room will find me a complete nutcase..and not find the humor in it the same way I do given the situation, but in my mind it seems like a fun way to lighten the mood up a bit. I plan to make the best of this that I can, even on my worst days. I know there are some to come. Please bear with me while I'm under construction. Sometimes the road has to get bumpy before it is able to be smoothed out again. I will get there, one emotional battle at a time.