Healing

I'm trying really hard not to crumble today. Honestly I've been trying pretty hard to keep it together for the past few days. The numbness that has masked my emotions is breaking away and I'm starting to really feel.

I've always been an optimist, and no matter the situation I've always been able to push through. This is no different, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. Some hurt over less, others more, but pain and emotions are meant to be felt. Life is supposed to have its ups and downs...if it didn't we would be dead.

It's been 5 days since surgery. The pain...it is really unlike anything I've ever felt. I have always handled pain like a champ, and nothing slows me down for long. This is different. I did a lot of research leading up to the mastectomy, and read a lot of blogs. Many women described it as the most painful thing they've ever experienced. I had hoped that maybe they just didnt handle pain as well as I did. I wish I could say it has been different for me, but the pain is excruciating, and unlike anything I've ever felt. Healing has used up most of my energy and my body is trying to protest the cocktail my plastic surgeon sent me home with. I washed my hair yesterday for the first time in 5 days. It took so much effort that I spent the rest of the morning vomiting from the pain.

Today is fathers day. I have always tried my hardest to go above and beyond to make my husband feel just as amazing as he is to our miracle and I. This morning he spent it stripping my lines, emptying my drains and helping me get dressed. You don't realize how much you use your peck muscles until you have them fillet in half and a rigid piece of silicone shoved in between the pocket expanding your chest. It is an exciting ordeal to just lift yourself into the sitting position at this point. The bruising is setting in and everything from my armpits to my collarbones hurts. I cant believe that I really allowed others to make me feel bad for fearing what it would be like after surgery. Now that I am here, I had every right to be affraid.

I'm finding it to be so much more than I could have ever imagined it to be. A pain that I will remember for the rest of My life when I look into the mirror. Such a pain that will make me feel proud and strong once I've made it to the end of this road. No one picks this, nor could we have done things differently to avoid such a fate. And we most certainly don't get to give up, cancer or not, it is our job to share our story and raise awareness. We are all human, and for whatever reason, had breasts that tried to attack us. My heart goes out to all the men and women that have gone through this, and for those that will go through it in their lifetime. You are true warriors. Don't ever allow anyone to take that away from you. Own your feelings, feel your pain, take the time you need to heal and live your journey in a way that it inspires others, and fight for those that couldn't fight anymore. I will continue to try to make you all proud.