Tiny Blessings

Many would agree that life is the ultimate gift. Even when we are knocked down, and at our lowest of lows, it is important that we dig deep and find the ability to go to bed at night being thankful for something. There will always be someone out there that has it better, or worse than you do. Ultimately life will throw lemons at you time and time again, but it is up to you what you do with them. Do you let them hit the ground and allow them to rot? Perhaps you rather just throw them back? Do you keep them as free lemons and do nothing with them? OR do you take those lemons and make lemonade from them?? Honestly, when life gives me lemons, I rather make orange juice and leave the world wondering how I did it. I once came from a dark place, a place where I kept everything I was feeling, and all that I was going through to myself. I felt alone in my struggles as well as my accomplishments. I learned that by sharing your perspective on things, and what you're going through has the ability to help another feel connected. I want to make a difference. I want to remind the world that better days are ahead, if you just push through the storms. Life is about the little things and this chapter of my life is a constant reminder of that. That doesn't mean that we don't have days where it is hard to roll out of bed, or that we find ourselves crying in the shower where no one can hear us. We are only human after-all. True strength doesn't mean that we don't fall, because we will, it means that we are able to get back up and press on. I have continually reminded myself of that lately.

Last week was full of many ups and downs for me. I felt overwhelmed when I realized I only had 3 weeks left until the surgery, and as I sit here and type this blog I am down to 17 days from saying goodbye to the lumpy twins. Ultimately, I have felt amazing, and so happy. Perhaps it is the company I keep, or the fight deep within me that constantly reminds me I will be ok, perhaps it is both. Either way, I am finding it easier and easier to see the silver linings. As I get closer to my Tata to the Ta-ta's party, I am reminded that this is really happening, and that has left me feeling disconnected from my thoughts. I can proudly share my story, what I have been through, and exactly what is going to happen and why, yet I still can't come to terms with the realness of it all. I imagine with any big life changing event one would feel this way. Some things don't seem real until they actually happen, and no matter what we do there is no way to ever feel fully prepared. I remember feeling the same weeks leading up unto my wedding day nearly 10 years ago, and again as I laid in the operating room waiting to hear the cries of our sweet miracle as she was brought into this world.

I was flooded with emotions when a dear photographer friend of mine insisted that we do a boudoir photoshoot before I bid my final farewell. Being able to look back on those images and remember all that I was, the way I felt in that moment, and see how far I have grown during the years to come is something I will cherish forever. I can honestly say, it was on that shoot that I felt truly beautiful for the first time in a while, and more importantly, I felt strong, and confident, and bulletproof. My breasts have been a source of insecurities since having my first lumpectomy last June, that feeling tripled with the double lumpectomy last December. The indents and scares I wear on my chest, and now the new lumps I house...they have all left me almost angry and hating them and almost ashamed to bare them. Now that I am losing them I am reminded just how blessed I was to have them even though they are flawed.

It is in our flaws that true beauty lies and our strengths are revealed. I was proud to bare my chest, and embrace my body for all that it is, and all that it will be in my days to come. But even more so, I am almost to a point of feeling excited to see them go, knowing I will no longer have to look at them and feel afraid and wonder when and if another hamartoma will arise. Something changed in me that day that I could never explain and it is a memory that I will cherish even more than the photos themselves. "A life without worry, it's not easy but it's worth it". This couldn't be more true <3 I am ready to just live, and I am ready to fight to get to the next chapter of my life. Not all chapters are happy ones, but they are essential for growth, and build a foundation for the rest of the story.

All pictures are intended for inspirational purposes only and are copyrighted images and property of Lezlee LeFevre Photos

New beginnings disguised as painful endings.

The days have been seeming to fly by, yet I feel as though I am just a fog floating through them. I am on edge. I am happy, I am blessed, I am thankful...at least a majority of time. I have always tried to see the best in things, to find the silver lining, because no matter how small it may be there always is one. Always. And this situation is no different. My silver lining is my health, I will no longer be a victim of this disease that leaves me feeling like a prisoner to my body, instead I will be a survivor, I will have won, I am going to win and be ok. My silver lining is years of happiness to come with my beautiful family and my amazing friends by my side. All storms are only temporary, and this one is no different.

When I first got the idea to start this blog, my sole inspiration was to be real, deep, and raw. To put myself out there for everyone to be a part of the process, both physical and emotional. To share my every step of this journey, the good, bad and the ugly. Such a venerability that it could leave another shaking their head, able to relate leaving them feel less alone. To remind them that it is ok to be afraid, that their feelings are justified and painful endings lead to beautiful new beginnings. This blog WILL have a happy ending. It is always darkest before the dawn.

I have had a hard time actually talking about how I REALLY feel. I have always strived to be strong, courageous, optimistic and full of positive energy. Sometimes I even appear as such, even if I feel anything but on the inside. I am all of those things, most of the time, at least while I keep busy and don't allow my mind time to think. Ideally that may be doing more harm than good. but it gets me by. I keep reminding myself that I need to think, I need to feel, and that this is real and it is ok to be scared. The numbness reminds me of other hard times I've faced, and how unhealthily I dealt with them growing up, and just how strong I actually am today. I am proud of myself for all that I am and all that I have overcome, and I know at the end of this I will be just as proud. Years ago it would have taken a self inflicted cut to remind me that I am alive and to make me feel. While I have been a self harm survivor for nearly 11 years now, the numbness always takes me back. "I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real". This is our life, in order to live it we must first feel it, for what it is and find it in ourselves to live it to it's fullest with what we have. The numbness scares me, but it also reminds me of how strong I am, because I am now able to turn it off. It reminds me that we have emotions for a reason, and that our emotions have purpose. Today it is the small things like the sound of the wind chime outside my bedroom window, or the sight of my daughters smile, or the smell of my husband, or a hug from a friend..those are the things that make me feel alive.

I have 4 weeks to go. I still don't believe it is happening. I don't know that this will ever seem real until I wake up and I have gauze wrapped around where my breasts once were. My plastic surgeons office called me to schedule my last appointment before the surgery, and the FMLA papers have been filled out for Zach's work. I am meeting with a great friend tomorrow to do some Boudoir photos of my natural body so I can always remember it, for all it's flaws and beauty, before it is changed forever. As a women it is always easy to look in the mirror and be less than happy with our reflections. It is sad that it takes the idea of losing a piece of you to realize just how much you love yourself as you are. To see the beauty in your imperfections because they make you who you are. While breasts don't make a women, they are a part of us. I remember being in 6th grade and dying to develop and actually be able to wear a real bra like the rest of my friends. I felt I would never have boobs, and lets face it..they never grew to be much haha, but they are mine. They are a part of many memories, and stories. Some not so appropriate for a public blog haha but are certainly memories I will cherish even more now. I remember when my milk came in after having our Tegan. I don't think either my husband or I could ever forget the time I took my bra off to get in the shower and I stood in the hallway crying because I couldn't remove my hands from them for long enough to turn the water on. That is the day I sprayed milk a good 7 feet across the house while standing naked in the hallway ugly crying. I will always remember the time a dear friend of mine took me to get fitted and buy my very first Victoria Secret bra, thus forever changing my life in a small way and cleavage on my post baby body.

I am losing a part of me, and though it may be small (literally), I am afraid. I am afraid of being weak and of others viewing me as such, I fear feeling afraid..of actually allowing myself to be afraid. I am scared to feel. Apparently this is all a normal part of such a journey. It is only human to fear change. Sometimes it seems easier to suffer rather than deal with the fear of the unknown. Quite often the hard thing and the right thing are the same and new beginnings are disguised as painful endings. This is only the beginning to something greater. I have a beautiful future ahead of me, I know that, but for now I am struggling. And that is ok.

I have read that "Women fear how their partner will react. They wonder how they will cope. Acute grief may last several months, with most women not truly beginning to feel okay for about a year. Eventually the intensity of the grieving should start to fade and the clouds begin to part. Feeling better may appear out of the blue, sometimes catching you by surprise." I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of actually grieving. It sounds so silly, and I am here, alive about to win the fight..I should be happy and celebrating. I have been fighting internally with both sides of emotion. Sometimes I feel my mind is a war zone of depression and happiness, perhaps that is why the numbness sets in? Perhaps numbness comes from the stalemate of the two emotions conflicting with one another.

I do know one thing for certain. Life is precious, it is a miracle, our days are unknown and every minute counts. One second could change all that you have ever known, and all that you could ever be. One smile, one phone call, one word could change everything. I have really become aware of those that are around me. My truest friends have revealed themselves as such and others have proved the opposite. I have no room in my life for regrets or grudges, none of us do to be honest. Some things just simply don't matter. I don't care what some may think of me, because I know others love me exactly the way I am, real, raw, beautifully broken, open..in both my good and bad times. Those are the people I want in my life, those are the ones I am so beyond thankful to have. To feel love from others when you are at one of your darkest hours, to have someone make you feel beautiful and special even when you don't feel it yourself, and to be reminded that it is ok to stumble and fall before getting back up again. Those are the ones that have inspired me. Those are the true gifts in my life and my diamonds in the rough. While I may be fighting internally and fighting back tears, each and every night I go to bed feeling thankful and blessed. It wouldn't be a journey if I didn't feel afraid or scared, but knowing who I have waiting for me at the finish line makes me want to try even harder to reach out to others and inspire them. I am not alone, and neither are you.

On the fence between smiles and numbness

It has been two weeks since my last post, two weeks since I learned that I would be losing my nipples with the rest of my breasts, and two weeks to take it all in. I've read that "At times you could be fearful, stressed, angry, sad, impatient or tearful. Other times you could feel peaceful, happy, content, loved, supported and so on."-Recovering emotionally after a Mastectomy I feel most of those, and sometimes all within the same day. It's nice to know that others have felt similar thus helping me justify my roller coaster of emotions that take over when I am not feeling numb. I try to push onward completely ignoring the road at hand. Am I really protecting myself by trying not to feel? Perhaps not. I often struggle with the idea that those in the books have cancer, and I do not, not yet anyway, not that I know of..so are my feelings still justified as so? I have been struggling to find my place in this journey, a place where I can connect with others that can share their story and tell me they understand, to tell me how I am feeling is ok and normal. A friend of mine pointed out that perhaps my journey isn't supposed to lead me to others that will help me feel less alone, but to be the voice to help others, if just one, feel less alone. Those that know me best know that my life hasn't ever been particularly easy. I couldn't even tell you how often I am reminded that "God will never give you more than you can handle." Honestly, I'm starting to think God finds me a complete bad ass, because I have ALWAYS made it through, and when life seems perfect, another hand is dealt my way. While times may not have always been easy, and some storms last longer than others, I have always been able to smile and push onward finding some silver lining. I believe that everyone was made on purpose, for a purpose, and everything we go through is part of our journey to our future self. I am who I am today, because of my past. Just as in 6 months, I won't be the same person I am today. I will be reconstructed, and different, both mentally and physically. I hope to be proud, and be able to look back on this journey with thankfulness of it leading to who I am in that moment. I am anxious to meet her, I am anxious to see who I become as a result of this all. Most of my days I forget that anything is even going on. I strive to be the best mother and wife I can be, just as I always have. We play games together as a family, and share laughter. We rock out in the car, have random dance parties in the living room and snuggle up and watch movies at night. I tuck my Tegan Marie into bed every night, read her a bedtime story, sing her the cuppy cake song and hold her until she falls asleep. That is what life is all about <3 I am happy!! I am so blessed. Then she is asleep and my mind is left idle and my feelings resurface. Sometimes I feel as if I am on a fence straddling between being happy and complete numbness. I have been crying a lot lately. I am not sure if it is because I am trying to allow myself to feel, or if it is my body adjusting to being free of synthetic hormones for the first time since I was 14. It's been three weeks since my hysterectomy now, and I am sure my body is trying to adjust and find balance again. I worked a full week last week trying to resume normal life, when our life is currently anything but. My boss and I both agreed that it would be best to take time off of work until all I am healed up and good to go from the Mastectomy. This time allows me to fully recover from the hysterectomy and prepare everything I need for the mastectomy that is quickly approaching. While the financial strain of being away from work for such a length of time seems frightening, I am thankful for the extra time I will have at home. I have time to mentally prepare, time to think, time to cry, and time to soak up with my family leaning on each other when we need it most. Much of my fears don't come from the actual removal of my breasts themselves. A part of me has felt disconnected from them for some time now. Dissected and scarred, I feel that they are ticking time bombs within my chest. It is only a matter of time before another hamartoma develops, and it is impossible to know if it is malignant or not without it's removal. Constantly living on edge wondering. Though the hamartomas aren't visibly seen while glancing at my bare chest, I know they are there, I can feel them. My breasts hurt. I still find myself doing breast exams in the shower, hoping one of these times the newest hamartoma will be gone, waking me up from what feels like a dream much of the time. But it is still there leaving me numb and feeling disconnected. I am ready to have this all behind me. I am ready to see what comes next. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I am terrified. I am scared of what this is doing to my daughter, and my husband. This is changing them, and that breaks my heart. The other night as I tucked Tegan into bed she had a meltdown and talked about it for the first time. My sweet miracle is SO scared. Her heart is breaking over the idea of mommy being in the hospital again. She keeps telling me "she doesn't want me to get hurt". I wish I could protect her from that. I wish I could protect both her and Zach from that. I know the first couple days after surgery won't be pleasant. My fear comes from them having to see me in that state, both physically and mentally, to see me in such pain and feel helpless. I keep reminding them that their love is all I need, and the one thing that will always help. Tegan understands what is going on, she knows that mommys breasts are sick and that I need to do this to ensure a long healthy lifetime with her and her daddy. I have always felt education and openness help with understanding and often remind us how amazing and incredible life really is. I don't want her to be afraid of life and her body as she grows up into a women. I want more than anything for her to grow up strong, confident and knowing how precious life is and how to see the good in things. I want her to grow up and look back and see me as strong, and be proud of me. I want her to grow up educated about her body and to love herself for who she is, flaws and all. It is our flaws and differences that make us who we are. Unique and perfect. I am afraid at how I will feel when I wake up and look down at where my breasts once were. I am scared about how I will connect with my bare chest and how I will feel when I am naked starring into the mirror. Body image and confidence haven't always been something that has come easy to me. I am nervously excited. I am scared. I am dreading all that is to come, but at the same time am ready for surgery day to get here. I can't wait to have the ability to just live. I feel like I have been fighting against my body in some way or form since an adolescent. I wouldn't change any of it of course. This is the life that was given to me, and I am happy and blessed to live it. No matter what, the storm will always pass and the sun will shine again, and that is what makes a storm so beautiful.