Grounded with pure intentions

I havent written a blog in months. Lately my thoughts have been jumbled and I've not been able to make sense of them. I'm learning that its ok to not understand why things happen as they do, or why I feel a certain way, or why sometimes I feel nothing at all. Those are the times we grow the most, because even when we dont know how we will make it, we do. I think the numbness is a coping mechanism, we all feel it at some point in our lives. Life is a messy, chaotic, crazy, beautiful adventure. There is beauty to be found in everything. Even if it takes years or even a lifetime to see it.

Since my last blog post I got nipples!!!! Or at least what I thought would feel like nipples. They were supposed to be "3d nipple" tattoos; I was told they would look realistic from afar. But they dont. Not to me. They are flat, tan stripey circles with what look like tiny hearts in the center. For as excited as I was to get them, I thought it would be love at first sight. Instead, I secretly hated them for weeks. Maybe I just got used to my smooth bare skin mounds? I had to adjust to my reflection all over again, and it took some time. They aren't my nipples, they aren't nipples at all, and they never will be. Once I stopped feeling disconected from my reflection and pointing out everything they aren't, I was able to find the beauty in them and see them for everything they are. Every scar, every indent or dimple, every imperfection uniquely mine, a symbol of my journey through life. My "fipples, as I like to call them, are my medals of triumph. A beautiful piece of art.

I paired up with a friend of mine for a finish line photoshoot. A display of raw emotion, of truth and light from the other side. A symbol of beauty and confidence. Proving to the world that a mastectomy is a beautiful thing. It is a symbol of life. It isnt a loss, but a gain. It signifies having won. It doesn't matter what lead to the removal of your breasts, you still felt every bit of that pain, it changed you forever, and the fuzzy drugged up memories will forever be etched into your mind. My fipples are my medals. I am no less of a women because I had a mastectomy, I am no less beautiful.

I had been sharing my photos on the wonderful world of facebook *insert gag* since the start, and many of you have been following me since the begining. You've seen me at my worst, yet for some reason I felt extreme anxiety over sharing my finish line photos. I almost canceled my shoot and arrived late after I forced myself to get in the car and just go. What did I have to lose? It would have been so easy to call everything off, never look back, and never write a blog again. Then I reminded myself why I began sharing my story in the first place. I was once the scared girl on google and pintrest searching post mastectomy photos through teary eyes. I wanted to read the experiences of others. I wanted to know it would be ok, and see what was on the other side. I wanted to feel something other than alone. I knew there were more women out there like me. And so i began my blog. I wanted to take my fear and use it to give hope to others. My intentions have always been pure.

Leaving yourself exposed and vulnerable leaves you open to a world of negativity and opinions. There have been times I've cried and wish I had never started this thing. Then Im reminded of all those that have reached out to me over the years, having thanked me for helping them through a journey of their own. And then I am grounded again, reminded of my purpose.

Last week I was reported on Facebook for my top less photos. This was the second time. The first time was funny, the second time broke me. I still dont know what to think of it, but I decided not to allow it to stop my mission. Never trade authenticity for approval. With that being said, I'm using my blog as a filter. I need my Facebook for my career, and I can't let someone that doesn't understand my mission effect my future. I have to protect myself.

In the middle of the whole being reported debacle a photographer took a risk by sending me a message asking if she could photograph me. When I accepted her offer she thanked me for not thinking she was a creep. She was so sweet, how could I not help her create her artistic vision?? We met at sunset in the middle of a field where I proudly stood top less in front of the lense of a girl I'd never met. I hadn't decided if I would be sharing this photoshoot with the world. You've followed me this far, why shut you out now? I hope you like them as much as I do, and that you see their purpose, and beauty in the way we intended.

Sometimes when one door closes, another one opens leading you into an adjoining room that resembles where you've been before. It all seems so familiar, except time has passed and it isn't the same room. You're on the other side now.

Two weeks ago I found two masses in my upper outer quadrant of my left chest area. I ignored it for a bit, and kept silent. I reached my finish line, I'm supposed to be done with this whole breast thing, the last thing I wanted to do was to pick up that phone and make an apt. I've been carrying this secret around with me afraid that telling others would leave them concerned and worried. Something my family and friends have become all too familiar with.

After some hesitation and confiding in a friend, I took a breath and made that call. I was over due for my 1 yr post op with my general surgeon anyhow. I thought for sure the lumps would be gone by my appointment. But they weren't.

Today I made the hour drive, walked through the same doors I did nearly two years ago with the lump that started it all. I sat in the same waiting area, and waited for my name to be called. The appointment began as it always has. A "breast exam" begining with the right side, followed by the left, only this time I have implants sitting where my breasts once were, and I couldn't feel anything but the pressure caused by her hands. She got to the spot and said "and there's your friends", grabbed her ruler and measured them for size. The new masses don't feel like hamartomas, the tumors that infested my breasts ultimately leading to their removal a year ago. This is wonderful news. There is indeed something there so an older was placed for a diagnostic ultra sound to be preformed. The hope is that the masses are made of necrotic fat cells, which would be common for being 6 months out from my first fat transfer. I'm waiting for the hospital to call to set the ultrasound up. Until then I will continue to live my happily ever after. This is just another part of my journey.

Adrenaline fuled by excitement

I can't believe it's been 2 months since my last blog post. Life continues to slip on by faster than I can keep up. Things are going well, and finally I feel like the end is near. I know I've said that a million times now, but this time it has to be true right?! I have been going to physical therapy for the past two months now to break down the scar tissue that was taking over my implants. Therapy came with many ups and downs and more moments of tears and ice packs than I'd like to admit. If there is one thing this process has taught me it is patience. Nothing is your forever. While some journeys take longer than others, everything eventually comes to an end.

Aside from physical therapy, a lot has happened over the past two months. I am slowly regaining my confidence and becoming proud of my body, imperfections and all. Going through a mastectomy is a lot. You never realize how an amputation of your breasts effects you mentally until you're there. I imagine it is a stronger mental battle for some than it is for others. Everyone deals differently and that is ok. We can't compare our emotions to those of others. While I would rarely admit, I really struggled for a while. Not so much for the loss itself, but for everything that came with it. Thankfully my down days are becoming few and far in between and I'm learning to embrace what is, and that is my health. With that I have found the ultimate happiness.

Since my last post I ran the Reagan run 5k for the very first time since my first lumpectomy 2 years ago! I was nervous tackeling the many hills of this race. Especially being newly recovered from using my legs as donor sites for my most recent fat transfer. My goal was to run the entire thing and to just be happy to finish. Let's be honest, I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself, set goals and become angry with myself for not reaching them. Thankfully I had some incredible friends there at both the start and finish line keeping me realistic with my expectations. I finished the race with a time of 27:11 placing me 18th out of 103 in my division. It wasn't my best ever, but it was the best I could do on that day with all things considered. Crossing that finish line felt exhilarating and reminded me just how much I had missed running.

Right before the mastectomy happened I was blessed to have been hired by an incredible company. A beautiful salon company full of many amazing women that were there for me through every surgery, every tear and every celebration. They aided me in my weight gain for the fat transfers by bringing me food and candy galor, they hugged me after Drs apts didn't go as planned and they laughed at my lame nipple-less jokes. I remember feeling sore and awkward just 7 weeks post mastecomy when I came in for my first day of work. Earlier this month I celebrated my 1 year anniversary being a part of this team and recently received a promotion!!!

On Tuesday my physical therapist broke up with me. We had another month scheduled out so I was very surprised when she smiled and told me she was done with me. I hugged her and cried. It was a bitter sweet moment, and another moment closer to the end. Unfortunately we were unable to achieve the desired results we set out for. We have known since day one my skin was very thin and had little give. She was able to stretch and thin out my scar tissue as much as my body would physically allow. A few trouble areas remain, but there is nothing more we can do. I was told the pain and discomfort is something I will always have. Because my skin is so tight and my implants are so heavy the weight and pull of them will forever be an issue. I still question whether or not I was given implants too big for my tiny frame. I really wish I had been given an option. All that aside, the foobs really are beautiful and perfect in their own way. Every time I move my arms my chest morphs and molds into a not so pretty state, but I will consider it my new super power. I am now a mighty morphing power ranger...or something like that. Indents, ripples and creases are back but only when I move certain ways, and I'm ok with that.

I am hopeful that I'm near the end this time. Adrenaline fueled by excitement is pulsing through my veins. I am another step closer. Because I was released from therapy I called my plastic surgeon and moved my follow up apt to next Tuesday. It seemed pointless to wait until mid september. If all goes well I will leave her office knowing the date of my award ceremony aka the day I finally receive my nipples and cross my finish line. ❤

A few miles to go

This past week has been an emotional one full of reflection. As I get closer and closer to the one year anniversary of my mastectomy I find myself overrun with emotions I never knew to exsist. During this time last year I was affraid and numb. I knew I was about to face the hardest thing I had ever experienced, and I wasn't sure how I would make it through. Life is full of ups and downs and at times it is hard not to feel as if we are stuck in a downward spiral that we will never make it out of. I am here to tell you that you will! No matter what you may be facing in life, better days are always ahead.

I tried my best to push through the hard times with a smile and grace, while internally I suffered from depression and numbness. I was happy, but secretly struggled with all that was going on. I am human, and so are you. It is normal to have moments of question when life deals an unfavorable card. But what would life be if we were constantly surrounded by sunshine and rainbows? We have to have storms to appreciate the blue skies. I have gone back a number of times and read my early blog posts as tears stream down my face, but these aren't tears of sadness, but of happiness. I remember crumbling on my bathroom floor telling my husband I didn't know that I could do this. I was so affraid, but now I am nothing but proud. I made it through the hardest race I've ever faced.

I met with my plastic surgeon today for my 8 week follow up from my last surgery. I went into this appointment so excited. This was the appointment we would discuss the plan for my nipples. I wanted nothing more than those medals to signify the end of this journey. Except things didn't go as planned, as they rarely do. Dr was very happy to see how beautifully thing one and two are holding up from this last round of fat transfer. It looks as if all the fat has survived and all ripples and indents are a thing of the past. The one large deformity that I had noticed on the right side (that I had accepted and chose to deal with) turned out to be my scar tissue slicing the fat in half and pushing down on my implant. I am in the begining stage of capsular contracture. The discussion of nipples will remain on hold over the next few months as I see a physical therapist at least once a week for the next three months to get it under control. Without therapy the contracture will cause my implant to deform, harden and can even suffocate my implant compromising it all together. I'm completely bummed out. I know the worst is behind me but I was ready to be done. I was excited for those medals of triumph and the end of the race. Turns out I have a few miles to go, but I will get there one step at a time. The end will just be that much more sweeter.

8 weeks post second fat transfer, and awesome tan lines.

Hat fun with my little after my apt today. She always knows how to turn my frown upside down.

Home of hope

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since my last and final breast operation!!!!

I cant believe I haven't blogged since I revealed my decision to proceed with the 2nd fat graft procedure. It's been a roller coaster, but I'm finally feeling good again. Not great, but I'm on my way there. The bruising has lifted and the nerves in my legs are firing and trying to reconnect. I'm almost certain I have lost some sensation in my right leg just above my knee, but in time it may come back. Transitioning from sitting to standing is still uncomfortable, as are the first few steps following, but I'm not in any real pain anymore. Well, except for when my husband lovingly pats my thigh completely forgetting about their fragile state ;-)

This one was a bit rough. I was warned that it would be very painful, and boy was it every bit of painful as my surgeon told me it'd be. Surgery was a huge success! They were able to harvest 900cc's of fat from my legs which is a tremendous amount. This allowed her to be very agressive with the fat grafting process filling me as full as my skin could physically bear without damage.

My first week was a daily battle. Not only was the pain in my legs excruciating, but every time I tried to stand up I nearly passed out, and I couldn't stop throwing up. After a few days of this I finally called my nurse and turns out I was having an allergic reaction to my antibiotic and was told to discontinue it. The morning of my 1 week post op I woke up half way through the night in maddening pain and a fever of 102. With my vision blacking in and out I stumbled to my recliner where I tried to find comfort. I couldn't stay still the pain was so much and I was out of pain meds. I was finally able to fall asleep for a bit until my mom picked me up. The hour drive to my appointment was the longest trip ever, but I made it and thankfully everything looked great, but as a precaution I was put on a different antibiotic and given something for the pain. After the first dose I began feeling better and was finally able to truly begin recovery. I was told it will be a good 3 months before I'm pain free and we begin to see the final results in both my chest and legs. Given the aggressive nature of this round we are confident my chest will yield the results we set out for. Now all I have left to do is heal both physically and mentally and continue to live this beautiful life. I'm really almost to the end. I won't see Dr Hagarty again for another 2 months, at which point we will see where I'm at in my healing and begin working on the plans for my shiny medals to mark the end of the chapter. <3

3 days post op-the bruising begining to set in

Today- 20 days post op-my chest is still very hard. Imagine a water balloon overfilled right before it hits its breaking point..that's what these things feel like ;-) I still have a lot of swelling and a majority of the fat is still intact. Over time it will continue to die out and my chest will become softer and more natural looking.

I began this blog a year ago as a means to share my story, to educate others on the real truth behind breast health, mastectomies and reconstruction. I felt so alone and decided that I would use my fear and feeling of isolation to fuel a blog that would reach out and hold the hands of others, giving them someone to relate to so they never had to feel alone. There were times where I would write while questioning my decision to be so public. Was anyone reading my blogs anyway?? In a world where I felt nothing but alone, I was and continue to be surrounded by so many. I am so humbled by the number of emails and comments I've received by women and their family members, both thanking me and cheering me on! I began this blog for you! You are the ones that inspired me!!

Last week a woman in my area reached out to me inviting me to share my story at the breast cancer support group she coordinated at the home of hope. I felt a vast mix of emotions at the invitation. Honor, fear, excitment, anxiety. I wanted to find every excuse not to go, but something in me said it was something I needed to do. I was affraid of how my story would be received. I was scared to be rejected. I will never forget last year when my surgeon nominated me to the news station to speak in an interview on behalf of BRA day(breast reconstruction awareness) having just recently begun reconstruction myself at the time. I remember feeling deeply hurt when I was later told the news station didn't want me a part of the celebration because I wasn't a cancer survivor. This memory krept back into my mind and left me feeling very uneasy. I didn't want to relive such a memory. Today as a geared up for the meeting I tried to think of what I would say. I cried on and off through out the day every time I gave it much thought, and as I pulled up in front of that building I sat in my car frozen and unable to move. I didn't think I could bring myself to go in. After a deep breath I put one foot in front of the other, wore a smile and kept telling myself to breathe. As soon as I walked through that door, I was greeted with a hug and I felt such a relief. I was surrounded by such a lovingly beautiful group of women from all walks of life. I shared my story with them and they understood on such a deep level. I answered questions with confidence, shared my story, and then heard pieces of theirs. Turns out, I'm not the only one to feel emotional numbness or to have days where you hide in the shower and cry. I learned that even after years have past there are still days that trigger an emotional response. It is a lifetime of adjustment and grieving. When you're struggling and feeling alone in this world remember there is always someone right there with you feeling the same way. No should ever feel alone. My heart over flows tonight. I'm so greatful for having had the opportunity to meet so many incredible women. It is something I will take with me always. I can't wait to go back <3

One more time

Very seldom does life go exactly as planned. Often we hit bumps in the road, we find there isn't enough time in a day, we didn't get to do things has we hopped, and sometimes we question ourselves. Things that we expected to be easy end up being hard, and short journeys turn into long trips. This is life, it is a glorious adventure and every difficult road leads to a beautiful destination. We just have to remember to pick up our feet and coast when we question our ability to make it through...because I promise you darling..you will make it.

I saw my plastic surgeon a few weeks ago for my 4 week post op. Going into the fat grafting process I knew there was a good chance I would require more than one procedure. The bad ass in me had her mind set on a great success and proving all odds wrong. I was hell bent on being done. Call it denial or being overly optimistic, ok maybe it's stubbornness, whatever the case, things don't always go as planned. Statistically speaking, only 60% of fat survives the transfer process, the other 40% is either absorbed by your body or dies. As the ripples and indents began coming back I felt as if I had put myself through hell for nothing. Before I could even address my concerns my surgeon had recommended that I continue forward with a second round. I didn't know what to say, and I found myself feeling very torn. I sat there with tears in my eyes expressing my feelings on the process for the very first time since my journey began. I told her I felt crazy, and I feared putting myself through another round would leave others thinking I'm crazy too. I've found that once you've made it through the essentials, the processes that are needed to save your life, that those that come after leave you questioning their importance. I've been questioning when to throw my hands up and call it quits. At what point do you say enough is enough and draw that line in the sand? It turns out my feelings are some that are quite often felt by women at this stage in the journey. It was nice to know I wasn't alone, because lately I've felt very much alone and trapped in my head with my thoughts.

I did a public experiment on my Facebook page the morning after my appointment.

The post was this:

When a wall in your house needs painted and you get that first coat on, do you leave it as is because you're tired? Because let's be real, who enjoys painting..its exhausting. Or do you finish what you started and push through that last coat??

Little did the general public know, my post had nothing to do with painting walls. I took my situation and changed the words to something everyone could relate to and understand. Here are a few of my favorite responses:

"I would say it depends on the type of paint you use. Did you use one coat coverage paint? How does it look? If it looks blotchy or streaked in places or trying to change the color drastically, you will probably have to do a second coat. Not all paint is made equal"

"Finish!!! Don't be a quitter!"

It is crazy how well these responses fit. Why is it that we don't even think twice when It comes to finishing up a room we began painting, but we question finishing a process involving our bodies? Unlike the walls in my house, my body can't be painted over when I get bored with it. This is what I will live with for the rest of my life. It is true, not every reconstruction process is the same. Some have their implants placed after the expansion process and need nothing more. What many don't realize is it is rarely that easy. Many women need multiple surgeries and procedures before reaching the final stages. Of the women that have gone through a mastectomy and breast reconstruction

*88% underwent a minimum of one RE-operation. *65% have more than one reconstruction-related surgery, and the mean number of procedures was two. *39% of patients had three or more additional surgeries. Of these revisions 42% were anticipated, while 37% were unanticipated. Are these processes life or death? No. Is reconstruction essential for your health and longevity? No. Are these secondary procedures necessary? Not for everyone. But for some, they are. Could I have chosen to forgo reconstruction and embraced a flat chest? Absolutely. However, I am 28 years old! As many women do, I gave my breasts to ensure my future. Many have told me what they would do if it was them, when they would call it quits..it is one thing to say what you would do, but until you are in those shoes you will truly never know what you would do if it was you.

You begin your journey with so much support that it is almost too much to handle, but by the end the support system isn't as strong as it once was and you'll find some that question your decisions. It is ok, because they are not you, and they have never been in your shoes. I owe it to myself to feel confident in a swim suit, and to be able to wear a vneck or strapless top without indents and thin spots being noticeable to the public. There is a certain way that people look at you, those sorry sympathetic eyes that leave you feeling insecure. I am not sorry, I am thankful and blessed. To the unknowing public I want to look like any other normal 28 year old. I'm just a girl trying my best with the life I was given. Reconstructed "breasts" will never look real, they will never be perfect and some imperfections will have to be accepted and lived with, I know this, and am ok with it. But if my surgeon strongly recommends that I finish what I started and continue forward with another round of liposuction and fat transfer, I'm going to trust her. I have made it too far to quit now just because I'm tired and ready to be done.

I have decided to finish this race strong and continue forward with what will be my last and final surgery. I am not a quitter, and these walls need one more coat. Surgery is tomorrow morning at 8:00am. This time around she will use my thighs and possibly lower back if needed as my donor sites. She plans to be very aggressive and fill my chest to its maximum capacity. This approach will leave me with a great level of fat even after I have lost the anticipated 40% post healing.I was warned that recovery this time around will be longer and more painful than the last as the thighs are a tender area for liposuction. I've mentally prepared the best I know how. I'm excited that this is it. I just have to push through one more time.

Looking back at where it all began

Sometimes life has a strange way of reaching out to us. Something inside me urged me to log into my old facebook to retrieve and save all the notes I had written before I began blogging again. To my surprise I found this post from 2 years ago. This is where it all began:

May 13th 2014

I suppose it is finally time to sit down and write this. I wanted to wait until the "right time" and until I knew if it was something that was even worthy of being shared. I apologize to those that are just hearing about this situation for first time, but I have asked close friends and family to keep it to themselves up until now.

  About a month ago I found a pretty significant lump in my breast, it was later confirmed by my dr and I had a mamogram and ultra sound that didn't detect it at all due to dense breast tissue. My Dr suggested that I see a surgeon for another opinion.  Fiberus tissue, cysts, swollen lymph nodes, and ducts have all been ruled out of the equation.  Now we  know a million things it's not, but don't know what it is. I met with a surgeon today and she was a bit concerned due to its size (1" by 1.5") and shape, combined with my history of hormone therapy. She wants to do a complete lumpectomy removing the entirety of Casper (yes I named it) and do further testing on it. We decided to do the surgery after my half marathon next month. I've been training so hard and my dr wants me to run it! :-) I will keep you updated along the process. I should know my surgery date in the next few days. I am in great spirits and am taking things in stride. I have been to hell and back many times before and I am not affraid of anything that may come my way. I have a bit of badass in me and am ready. I will continue on living my life to the fullest, enjoying every moment with my beautiful family and amazingly supportive friends, and cherishing every moment just as I have always done.--

Never in a million years did I think I would end up where I am today, but at the same time I wouldn't change a thing. I am greatful for being so proactive about my health. I'm thankful I had an amazing team of Drs by my side fighting for me and I'm beyond blessed to have been given the opportunity to kick ass before anything had the chance to try to kick mine. Sometimes in life even the most unfortunate of events pathe the way to a glorious future. We just have to remember to continue to fight through the storm until we reach that rainbow.

Here are some throw backs to the begining of my journey <3

My half marathon! It was my biggest goal I had set that year and nothing was going to keep me from running it!! I was hit with bronchitis the week of my run and coughed up my lungs the entire time but gave it hell placing 4th in my division.

Post lumpectomy dressed and waiting to be released from the hospital:June 20th 2014

With my surgeons blessing, at 2 weeks post lumpectomy I had my husband bind me up tightly so I could compete in our anual Reagan run 5k. It wasnt the smartest thing I could have done, and I remember questioning my sanity with every step I took...but I ran that entire race and sprinted through that finish line just as I always have.

Where our happily ever after begins

It was a great day spent with both friends and family. As the pain begins to lift my smile increasingly grows. I can feel the bricks crumbling from my shoulders.

Tonight as my husband and I read poems to our daughter out of her favorite book I couldn't help but look at him and smile. Reflecting on all that we've been through over our years spent together. It was at the young age of 15 that I gave him my heart.

We were just kids; We grew up together. Over time, the things that would have torn other couples apart only continued to bring us closer together. Despite recent bumps in the road, I have never felt happier or more in love in my life. "In this moment I feel infinate", words that will forever remind me just how beautiful this life is. "When we numb the darkness we numb the light".

This past year was one of the hardest years we've been through and I think can speak for the both of us when I say there were moments that we wondered how we would make it through. After years of aggressive infertility treatment we knew the idea of having another child of our own was unlikely. We were so blessed to have been given such an incredible daughter; we have always felt complete as a family of three. However, we continued to hold onto the tiniest sliver of hope placing the idea of a surprise miracle in the back of our minds. Then one day learned I needed to have a hystorectomy. Not too long after that I found a lump in my breast. I could have never imagined that moment in time would lead us here....but I'm thankful it did. We are stronger now than we've ever been.

I remember hugging my husband and letting my daughter be my light as we waited for unknown test results. Three lumpectomies later and I was surrounded by friends and family at my very own Tata to the tatas party hanging bras from the ceiling and playing bra pong all while enjoying nipple shaped sugar cookies.

I remember wondering how could it be?! I was 27 and had just been diagnosed with a rare condition that left my breasts ticking time bombs. While I didnt have cancer, every new harmartoma that developed carried an 85% risk of malignancy. Even though we were affraid of the road ahead, we tried our hardest to continue to make memories and smile through the ride. On the weekend before the big surgery we drove 2 hours to the "beach" on a breezy 60 degree day just so I could wear a swimsuit with my breasts one last time. It rained, and our lips turned blue but we built sandcastles and ran through the water anyway.

There are still times I wonder if it all really happened; then I see my scars and smile because they remind me that I made it through. It is during those moments that I am greatful I have kept this blog. This entire process has been so much more than I could have ever imagined. I smiled, I cried, I laughed through the akwardness (My expanders had magnetic ports)

and at times I felt angry. I am human, I have feelings, at times I forgot that. There were moments where I felt completely alone in a world overflowing with people. That's when I decided to begin this blog. Life has many ups and downs, and you are never alone even when you feeling nothing but. Looking back to where it all began makes you realize just how far you've come. Cherish the little things, because one day that small thing could end up one of your greatest memories.

On June 15th I wrote: "Tomorrow is surgery day. Tomorrow is it. I have had an out pour of love and support today, many texts just checking in to see how I am doing, and wishing me well for what comes next. I don't know how I feel to be honest. I don't seem to feel anything at all. But I like to think I am ready, and I hope to make you all proud!!! I am ready to see what comes next. I am ready to be on the other side and start the next chapter. I am not losing my breasts. I am giving them in exchange for longevity and health. I am giving a part of me to ensure a long healthy future with my family. I chose to be proactive and kick ass before anything has the chance to kick mine. For that reason alone I am ready. Good things are ahead and the future is so bright."

I have finally made it <3

This surgery was different than all the rest. It signifies so much for our family. We are in that section of our book where the happily ever after begins. It feels just like that moment when you finish the race. That part where the pain stops and you can finally breathe again, but you are standing there waiting for the results to post so you can claim your medal. In this case my medal will be a new set of nipples. We have made it through all the hard parts.

Here is a look back on the road leading up to here

Being taken back for the mastectomy

One week post mastectomy with tissue expanders in place.

The day I got to trade my wrap in for a compression bra.

The start of expansion

Nine weeks post mastectomy half way through expansion

Marked and ready for my exchange surgery. I was so excited to part with those tissue expanders!!

My first peek at my new foobies post exchange.

After my first post mastectomy race

Foobs 3 months post exchange before fat harvest.

Post fat graft. I've made it. All roads have lead me to here.

tonight, for the first time since my mastecomty I looked down at my chest and actually felt something. The lipofill has improved the overall appearance. The tissue looks thicker, my skin looks more pink, and the fat has given the a feel that resembles a natural breast. I have been self conscious since the day I bid my final farewell to the lumpy twins. This last surgery changed that for me. The transitional period has finally come to an end and aside from the bruising and lack of nipples they finally look complete. Today as I looked into the mirror I felt a sense of pride and beauty.

This past year has changed me, it changed us. We smile brighter, and love deeper. We know the true feeling of for better or worse. We cried together as a family, we continued to have random living room dance parties and we found the silver linnings on every dark cloud. What would life be if the road was always smooth?? No matter if you're just starting on your journey or are stuck at the hills in the middle...remember that you will eventually reach a point where you can smile and look back feeling proud for having made it through.

Liposuction and cleavage

After four weeks of over eatting and making myself miserable with food, I was nervously excited for surgery day to arrive. This meant I was another step closer to the very end of this journey. When you hear of a women undergoing a mastectomy many assume you have your breasts removed and implants are placed. This idea is formed by a lack of knowledge and couldn't be farther from the truth. The process is so much more than many realize. At the time of a mastecomy, tissue expanders are placed to stretch the skin and prepare the chest for the implants that are later placed. After the implants are placed it is common that a secondary revision will be needed in order to achieve desired results. The process has been so much more than I could have imagined, but we are slowly getting there, and I couldn't be more excited.

It had been three months since I had my implants placed. Imperfections were visible shortly after my exchange surgery. We had hoped over time as the ligaments loosened and my chest healed that the flaws would smooth out. The implants had finally dropped into a more natural position and the opposite happened. This natural sag put more pull on my skin which in turn caused more ripples, lines, divets. They were progessivly getting worse as time went on and it came time to discuss my options. Fat grafting was recommended as means to provide a layer of fat to speparste the implants from my skin filling in all the visible flaws while providing a nice natural contour. Fat grating/lipofilling is commonly used in patients like myself for a number of reasons. After an aggressive mastectomy it is very common to be left with such thin skin. Our goal with the procedure was to leave me with a more natural looking appearance.

Agreeing to go forth with the procedure meant first gaining enough weight to provide the fat that was needed. As hard as it was for me to gain weight, I constantly reminded myself that it was for a purpose. It wasnt my forever. Surgery day arrived quickly. This left me excited and hopefull that I would be able to feel confident topless once again. As a women this is very important.

After leaving my pre op appointment last week in tears, I couldn't get the fear of not having enough fat out of my mind.I had done everything in my power to gain weight in preparation for the surgery. I was very nervous that we wouldn't be able to harvest enough to achieve desired results.

At the time of surgery I was at an 8lb gain. I had made it, I had tackeled this giant to the best of my ability. I was ready and there was no turning back. Dr Hagarty came in before surgery to look at what she had to work with, leaving marks all over my abdomen and sides where she felt I had fat accumulation. Before I knew it I was on the operating table drifting to sleep.

Surgery took just under two hours and couldn't have been more successful. My family couldn't wait to give me the good news. Turns out I had JUST enough fat to sucessfully perform the procedure giving the results Dr Hagarty had hoped for. She took every last bit of fat my abdomen and sides had to give. She was able to harvest just enough to over fill my "breasts" by placing 100cc's of fat in each. Over time a portion of this fat will absorb back into the body, so overfiling is key. In about three months time I will be able to see our final results and start talking about our final step. Nipples!! The liposuction procedure ended up being every bit of painful as I had imagined it being. We are trying to keep on top of The pain the best we can, but my pain meds merely take the edge off. I am most comfortable laying down. The pain is tolerable until I try to move. It feels like my hystorectomy all over again. I was told that it is very important to take it easy through recovery so no complications arise. With many tunnels created from the Lipo any twisting, bending, or quick movements can cause a tesr resulting in internal bleeding and infection. I was placed in a corset type wrap that I will wear for the first four weeks. This is to not only give added support, but to Also prevent edema or seromas from forming.

Thing one and thing two are tolerating the added pressure wonderfully. They just feel very tight and full, because they are!!! I was instructed to wear a good supportive pushup bra to aid in healing to both help them heal in a natural position as well as giving the right amount of support to allow The fat to be excepted and develop blood flow. Any form of compression on my chest can smother the fat and cause it to die. I was able to unwrap long enough to take a shower and change my dressings today. I couldn't wait to get a glimpse of the twins in all their fat filled glory. I am happy with the outcome and now have a beautiful round contour. I am so thankful that I pushed through this one and opted to follow my Drs professional recommendation. Healing is my next step. All the worst is officially behind me and the road is slowly coming to an end.

Before

After