One more time

Very seldom does life go exactly as planned. Often we hit bumps in the road, we find there isn't enough time in a day, we didn't get to do things has we hopped, and sometimes we question ourselves. Things that we expected to be easy end up being hard, and short journeys turn into long trips. This is life, it is a glorious adventure and every difficult road leads to a beautiful destination. We just have to remember to pick up our feet and coast when we question our ability to make it through...because I promise you darling..you will make it.

I saw my plastic surgeon a few weeks ago for my 4 week post op. Going into the fat grafting process I knew there was a good chance I would require more than one procedure. The bad ass in me had her mind set on a great success and proving all odds wrong. I was hell bent on being done. Call it denial or being overly optimistic, ok maybe it's stubbornness, whatever the case, things don't always go as planned. Statistically speaking, only 60% of fat survives the transfer process, the other 40% is either absorbed by your body or dies. As the ripples and indents began coming back I felt as if I had put myself through hell for nothing. Before I could even address my concerns my surgeon had recommended that I continue forward with a second round. I didn't know what to say, and I found myself feeling very torn. I sat there with tears in my eyes expressing my feelings on the process for the very first time since my journey began. I told her I felt crazy, and I feared putting myself through another round would leave others thinking I'm crazy too. I've found that once you've made it through the essentials, the processes that are needed to save your life, that those that come after leave you questioning their importance. I've been questioning when to throw my hands up and call it quits. At what point do you say enough is enough and draw that line in the sand? It turns out my feelings are some that are quite often felt by women at this stage in the journey. It was nice to know I wasn't alone, because lately I've felt very much alone and trapped in my head with my thoughts.

I did a public experiment on my Facebook page the morning after my appointment.

The post was this:

When a wall in your house needs painted and you get that first coat on, do you leave it as is because you're tired? Because let's be real, who enjoys painting..its exhausting. Or do you finish what you started and push through that last coat??

Little did the general public know, my post had nothing to do with painting walls. I took my situation and changed the words to something everyone could relate to and understand. Here are a few of my favorite responses:

"I would say it depends on the type of paint you use. Did you use one coat coverage paint? How does it look? If it looks blotchy or streaked in places or trying to change the color drastically, you will probably have to do a second coat. Not all paint is made equal"

"Finish!!! Don't be a quitter!"

It is crazy how well these responses fit. Why is it that we don't even think twice when It comes to finishing up a room we began painting, but we question finishing a process involving our bodies? Unlike the walls in my house, my body can't be painted over when I get bored with it. This is what I will live with for the rest of my life. It is true, not every reconstruction process is the same. Some have their implants placed after the expansion process and need nothing more. What many don't realize is it is rarely that easy. Many women need multiple surgeries and procedures before reaching the final stages. Of the women that have gone through a mastectomy and breast reconstruction

*88% underwent a minimum of one RE-operation. *65% have more than one reconstruction-related surgery, and the mean number of procedures was two. *39% of patients had three or more additional surgeries. Of these revisions 42% were anticipated, while 37% were unanticipated. Are these processes life or death? No. Is reconstruction essential for your health and longevity? No. Are these secondary procedures necessary? Not for everyone. But for some, they are. Could I have chosen to forgo reconstruction and embraced a flat chest? Absolutely. However, I am 28 years old! As many women do, I gave my breasts to ensure my future. Many have told me what they would do if it was them, when they would call it quits..it is one thing to say what you would do, but until you are in those shoes you will truly never know what you would do if it was you.

You begin your journey with so much support that it is almost too much to handle, but by the end the support system isn't as strong as it once was and you'll find some that question your decisions. It is ok, because they are not you, and they have never been in your shoes. I owe it to myself to feel confident in a swim suit, and to be able to wear a vneck or strapless top without indents and thin spots being noticeable to the public. There is a certain way that people look at you, those sorry sympathetic eyes that leave you feeling insecure. I am not sorry, I am thankful and blessed. To the unknowing public I want to look like any other normal 28 year old. I'm just a girl trying my best with the life I was given. Reconstructed "breasts" will never look real, they will never be perfect and some imperfections will have to be accepted and lived with, I know this, and am ok with it. But if my surgeon strongly recommends that I finish what I started and continue forward with another round of liposuction and fat transfer, I'm going to trust her. I have made it too far to quit now just because I'm tired and ready to be done.

I have decided to finish this race strong and continue forward with what will be my last and final surgery. I am not a quitter, and these walls need one more coat. Surgery is tomorrow morning at 8:00am. This time around she will use my thighs and possibly lower back if needed as my donor sites. She plans to be very aggressive and fill my chest to its maximum capacity. This approach will leave me with a great level of fat even after I have lost the anticipated 40% post healing.I was warned that recovery this time around will be longer and more painful than the last as the thighs are a tender area for liposuction. I've mentally prepared the best I know how. I'm excited that this is it. I just have to push through one more time.