My 28th year

As I turn the page stepping into my 28th year, I can't help but feel excited. It is apparent that I believe in silver linings, often thriving on new beginnings. Those that know me well have heard "every day is a fresh start, a new beginning" come from my mouth more than they can count. So often that my go to quote when either myself or a friend is struggling becomes annoying. At one point my husband has raised his voice at me saying "sometimes I wish you weren't always so Damn positive!!". I have days of darkness just like the next person and when I fall I fall hard. But what would life be if we lived in the past? How could we appreciate the good without bad? Every dark cloud has a silver lining. I truly believe this to be true. We can't change our past. It doesn't define who we are, but shapes our personalities and pathes the way to our future.

During our staff meeting the other day my boss told us that we should give ourselves 5 minutes to wallow, be upset or crumble. After all we are human and there are times that we need the emotional release. After those 5 minutes, however, it is important to turn the page and move on. This struck me as the most incredible bit of advice I've ever received. Life is hard, and we were born to fight. We will do so until the day we die. That is what makes life so rewarding and precious. Some of have been chosen to fight harder than others. We were all given life and the events we face both good and bad are our stories. I'm drawing near to the end of another chapter in mine. I'm ready to say goodbye to 27 and press on.

Reflecting on this past year I would have never imagined it to turn out as it did. At the age of 27 I was faced with my 3rd and 4th lumpectomy, a hystorectomy, and a diagnosis that lead to my double mastectomy. I lost my job, friendships ended and I walked through the storm at times wondering how I would make it to the end. But I kept walking, sometimes even crawling, and believed in the days ahead. Life for me didn't go as planned and I'm ok with that. Things beyond my control turned my world around and made my year one I will never forget. It may have been one of my worst years in a sense, but it was also one of my very best!! I told cancer no! I sent a hypothetical nuclear bomb destroying it before it had the chance to find me. I lost my breasts, but gained my health. On Friday I will recive another big expansion putting me another fill closer to the end of the expansion and reconstruction process. I lost my job and gained a new career in which I am surrounded by some of the most supportive and incredible women I've ever met. Friendships died, while new ones bloomed. I couldn't be more thankful for the way I grew in more ways than I could explain and my life changed over the year.

Life is a roller coaster. If we were constantly ridding at the top would we feel the thrill of the climb or the anxiety of the fall? Would we be able to feel complete thankfulness if things were perfect 100% of the time? What is your idea of perfect anyhow? Does it even exsist? Live the life you were given. Give yourself time to crumble when needed then pick yourself back up and enjoy the climb back up. Find your silver linings in even the darkest of clouds and cherish the little things.

I am ecstatic to say goodbye to 27, and welcome my 28th year with open arms. This year is going to be my best one yet. I will have my exchange surgery drawing near the end of my mastectomy journey. I will be celebrating my 10 year wedding anniverary with the most incredible man. Our beautiful miracle will be turning 7. Our beautiful daughter that after years of infertility treatments we didn't know we would ever have! It is true that some of our worst years lead to those that turn out to be our very best. I can't wait to see what is in store for me, or where life takes me. I can't wait to begin my 28th year.

In the fast lane

Tomorrow will mark my 14th week! I remember counting down to my first fill. Many times I was sent home in tears having had expansion postponed as a result of slow healing and thin skin. At one point I felt as though I would never be able to get through expansion. I remember wishing I had just opted against the reconstruction and kept a flat chest. When faced with hard times, moments of disappointment, pain, doubt, or even fear it is important to remind yourself that that particular moment in your life isn't your forever. Always continue to press on knowing better days are ahead. Because I assure you, they are.

Just 6 weeks ago I was praying my skin had healed enough and that I would finally be able to resume the expansion process. With very thin and delicate skin I was only able to tollerate fills of 30cc every other week amounting for 60cc per month once I was finally able to resume the expansion process. I was very pleasantly surprised when my nurse told me that we would be doing 60cc for today's appointment!! My plastic surgeon has decided that I'm finally in a position to be bumped up into the fast lane and start receiving this new larger fill not just every 2 weeks, but EVERY week!!! I'm getting so so close to the end of this leg of the race! Today's appointment has left me at 300. There is only about 100 more to go before I have my month of rest to allow my body to adjust and heal before the swap surgery. We really are getting there!!! I laughed at the sight of thing one and thing two after expansion today. How convienet of my surgeons office to have massive mirrors in every room! I feel as though I have officially entered the akward blow up doll phase. I feel like a barbie doll! The foobs are so hard, unnaturally round, and beyond perky. I am trying to wrap my mind around them getting even bigger than this!!!

This past weekend was a big one for me!!! Many months back, before I even knew of the mastectomy, I had registered to run the insane inflatable 5k. I was very torn leading up to race day on my ability to tackle such a run. While I have been running again for a few weeks, I haven't done anything involving pulling my body up and over things. I decided to give it a try, and I am so excited I did. I felt so amazing as I slid down that last slide and through the finish line! And I did so in just over 28 minutes.

I felt so amazing that I have also decided to run the 5k race ther I've done every year on my birthday weekend. This year I won't be competing in an attempt to finish with a kick ass time, or bring home a medal for placing as I usually would. This year my motivation is to run it just because I can!!!

After the inflatable 5k I came home and got ready for my cousins bachelorette party. I went out on a limb and allowed myself to wear a strapless dress with nothing more than the built in bra it contained. I have been so desperately fighting with myself over clothes for all these weeks. Trying to hide the unnatural and sometimes even deformed looking foobs that show in certain tops through my less than cute expansion bras that make it look like I have hard nipples..which is also something I used to try to hide. (Why?! I don't even have nipples!) I allowed this part of my life, this part of me, depict my clothing ultimately effecting my confidence. I was always so concerned of what an unknowing stranger may think of me. Of why I looked like I had a lumpy chest, or why I had such a bra that looked like Madonna would have worn it in the 80s. It would take me multiple outfits and sometimes even tears before I felt decent enough to leave the house. I decided enough was enough. What better way to spread awareness than to just live and breathe?! Yes the foobs look unnatural, and yes in that dress they looked as if they were tiny shelves with a dress sitting over them, but it felt great to be in a cute dress again!!! I am done with hiding what is with the rest of the world. I am proud of my foobs, because they are a symbol of my new health and bright future.

I have had many ask me how big I am going to go, and why they are making me so big when I didn't really have large breasts to begin with. What many don't realize is when going through the reconstuction process you get no say. This isn't like a boob job. I don't get to pick my ending cup size, or discuss what look I am going for. My end result will be as much of a surprise to me as it will to you all. The most say I have pertaining to thing one and thing two is whether or not I want to undergo a later opperation to have nipples constructed. This is something I am still unsure of to be honest. As far as expansion and breast reconstruction goes, you have the expanders that your surgeon feels best suit you, you trust that your plastic surgeon will make you look your very best by the end, and you show up to the appointments that are made and pick up your feet and coast through the rest the best you can. At the time of my mastectomy surgery my plastic surgeon placed 400cc Expanders. Meaning I now have only 100 left to go until these things are full. The reason I look so akward is that they aren't for cosmetic purposes. The Expanders have a purpose and that is to stretch my chest muscles and tissue to allow for room for the implants that will come later. To allow my implants to have a more relaxed and natural looking appearance my muscles and tissue need to be stretched a bit more than needed so that there is some give to allow for room for them to sit in a more natural state..or have a little sag if you will. These giant akward unmoving rocks are not my forever. They are merely paving the way towards my forver, and now we have switched over into the fast lane.

Full steam ahead

I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last blog post!! On one hand I am sorry and feel terrible for how neglectful I have been in keeping you all updated. On the other hand I am excited and proud to say that I have been busy. My life has picked right back up and I'm learning how to juggle work, Dr apts, being a wife, mother of a new 1st grader, dance and everything else going on in our lives. I remember just 13 weeks ago I was confined to my bed engulfed in pillows watching more hours of Netflix then I like to admit to, unable to dress myself. To put my life during that time into perspective.. I may or may not have watched every episode of house hunters and friends. The days drug on. Now I feel as if I can't keep up!!!

Last weekend I spent some time in Chicago at my sister's. The little get away was so relaxing and such a nice treat. We spent some time on the beach where I publicly wore my swim suit for the very first time since the mastectomy!!! Surely a memory I will never forget.

I am officially 13 weeks post op as of today and I am doing great!! My skin, while still thin, seems to be holding up quite well, finally allowing me to go full steam ahead with my fills. I have only been able to tollerate receiving 30ccs every two weeks so far, but have been given the ok to increase to weekly appointments starting next week!!! Things are progressing beautifully and the foobs just hit 230cc's meaning we are over half way there!!!

Only 170cc to go and I will be done with the expansion process. I am still trying to wrap my mind around being half way there. I am only half way there!! Compared to the flat chest I had just 13 weeks ago I feel as if my foobs are HUGE at their current status! It is hard for me to imagine these things nearly doubling as I press forward closer to the end where I will max out at 400cc.

A lot has changed over the weeks. Many things that don't meet the eye, some that I couldn't even begin to explain. But rest assured when I say all is well. As a female, we spend our adolescence waiting for our breasts to form. As children stuffing socks into our shirts giggling as what we imagine it will be like. We grow up associating breasts with the female body, they are a part of us. Truth be told, they are not a part of who you are. I remember crying myself to sleep at night, trying to figure out how my life ended up as it had, wondering when and if I would ever truly feel beautiful again, and learning to look at myself in the mirror without feeling pain while trying to find my confidence again. It is a process, I'll be honest, and a great journey that has many ups and downs. But I am getting there!!! I no longer see my reflection as anything but beautiful. I feel strong, I feel empowered and I feel more confident than I ever have in my entire life. There is something so rewarding about knowing you gave a part of you up for a better life in return. My scars are a reminder of the battle I WON and I display them proudly. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where getting dressed causes me some annoyance and sometimes makes me emotional because things don't fit quite as they should, and there are still things that I am physically unable to do, such as picking up my daughter when she's hurt, and quite often I'm hit with discomfort when something is just physically too much though I try to pretend I'm fine. I have reached a point in the expansion where I'm becoming uncomfortable again. And while I feel some pain, I smile and feel excitement knowing just how close I am to closing another chapter of this journey. If you have ever read anything about expanders...it is all true!! These things have no give! They are hard, uncomfortable, and unnatural in every sense of the word!! Haha BUT they are only temporary and it is important to remember that. This isn't my forever, this is just one of the paths leading me to my happily ever after. I am proud to be on my way. Full steam ahead.