Where our happily ever after begins

It was a great day spent with both friends and family. As the pain begins to lift my smile increasingly grows. I can feel the bricks crumbling from my shoulders.

Tonight as my husband and I read poems to our daughter out of her favorite book I couldn't help but look at him and smile. Reflecting on all that we've been through over our years spent together. It was at the young age of 15 that I gave him my heart.

We were just kids; We grew up together. Over time, the things that would have torn other couples apart only continued to bring us closer together. Despite recent bumps in the road, I have never felt happier or more in love in my life. "In this moment I feel infinate", words that will forever remind me just how beautiful this life is. "When we numb the darkness we numb the light".

This past year was one of the hardest years we've been through and I think can speak for the both of us when I say there were moments that we wondered how we would make it through. After years of aggressive infertility treatment we knew the idea of having another child of our own was unlikely. We were so blessed to have been given such an incredible daughter; we have always felt complete as a family of three. However, we continued to hold onto the tiniest sliver of hope placing the idea of a surprise miracle in the back of our minds. Then one day learned I needed to have a hystorectomy. Not too long after that I found a lump in my breast. I could have never imagined that moment in time would lead us here....but I'm thankful it did. We are stronger now than we've ever been.

I remember hugging my husband and letting my daughter be my light as we waited for unknown test results. Three lumpectomies later and I was surrounded by friends and family at my very own Tata to the tatas party hanging bras from the ceiling and playing bra pong all while enjoying nipple shaped sugar cookies.

I remember wondering how could it be?! I was 27 and had just been diagnosed with a rare condition that left my breasts ticking time bombs. While I didnt have cancer, every new harmartoma that developed carried an 85% risk of malignancy. Even though we were affraid of the road ahead, we tried our hardest to continue to make memories and smile through the ride. On the weekend before the big surgery we drove 2 hours to the "beach" on a breezy 60 degree day just so I could wear a swimsuit with my breasts one last time. It rained, and our lips turned blue but we built sandcastles and ran through the water anyway.

There are still times I wonder if it all really happened; then I see my scars and smile because they remind me that I made it through. It is during those moments that I am greatful I have kept this blog. This entire process has been so much more than I could have ever imagined. I smiled, I cried, I laughed through the akwardness (My expanders had magnetic ports)

and at times I felt angry. I am human, I have feelings, at times I forgot that. There were moments where I felt completely alone in a world overflowing with people. That's when I decided to begin this blog. Life has many ups and downs, and you are never alone even when you feeling nothing but. Looking back to where it all began makes you realize just how far you've come. Cherish the little things, because one day that small thing could end up one of your greatest memories.

On June 15th I wrote: "Tomorrow is surgery day. Tomorrow is it. I have had an out pour of love and support today, many texts just checking in to see how I am doing, and wishing me well for what comes next. I don't know how I feel to be honest. I don't seem to feel anything at all. But I like to think I am ready, and I hope to make you all proud!!! I am ready to see what comes next. I am ready to be on the other side and start the next chapter. I am not losing my breasts. I am giving them in exchange for longevity and health. I am giving a part of me to ensure a long healthy future with my family. I chose to be proactive and kick ass before anything has the chance to kick mine. For that reason alone I am ready. Good things are ahead and the future is so bright."

I have finally made it <3

This surgery was different than all the rest. It signifies so much for our family. We are in that section of our book where the happily ever after begins. It feels just like that moment when you finish the race. That part where the pain stops and you can finally breathe again, but you are standing there waiting for the results to post so you can claim your medal. In this case my medal will be a new set of nipples. We have made it through all the hard parts.

Here is a look back on the road leading up to here

Being taken back for the mastectomy

One week post mastectomy with tissue expanders in place.

The day I got to trade my wrap in for a compression bra.

The start of expansion

Nine weeks post mastectomy half way through expansion

Marked and ready for my exchange surgery. I was so excited to part with those tissue expanders!!

My first peek at my new foobies post exchange.

After my first post mastectomy race

Foobs 3 months post exchange before fat harvest.

Post fat graft. I've made it. All roads have lead me to here.

tonight, for the first time since my mastecomty I looked down at my chest and actually felt something. The lipofill has improved the overall appearance. The tissue looks thicker, my skin looks more pink, and the fat has given the a feel that resembles a natural breast. I have been self conscious since the day I bid my final farewell to the lumpy twins. This last surgery changed that for me. The transitional period has finally come to an end and aside from the bruising and lack of nipples they finally look complete. Today as I looked into the mirror I felt a sense of pride and beauty.

This past year has changed me, it changed us. We smile brighter, and love deeper. We know the true feeling of for better or worse. We cried together as a family, we continued to have random living room dance parties and we found the silver linnings on every dark cloud. What would life be if the road was always smooth?? No matter if you're just starting on your journey or are stuck at the hills in the middle...remember that you will eventually reach a point where you can smile and look back feeling proud for having made it through.

Liposuction and cleavage

After four weeks of over eatting and making myself miserable with food, I was nervously excited for surgery day to arrive. This meant I was another step closer to the very end of this journey. When you hear of a women undergoing a mastectomy many assume you have your breasts removed and implants are placed. This idea is formed by a lack of knowledge and couldn't be farther from the truth. The process is so much more than many realize. At the time of a mastecomy, tissue expanders are placed to stretch the skin and prepare the chest for the implants that are later placed. After the implants are placed it is common that a secondary revision will be needed in order to achieve desired results. The process has been so much more than I could have imagined, but we are slowly getting there, and I couldn't be more excited.

It had been three months since I had my implants placed. Imperfections were visible shortly after my exchange surgery. We had hoped over time as the ligaments loosened and my chest healed that the flaws would smooth out. The implants had finally dropped into a more natural position and the opposite happened. This natural sag put more pull on my skin which in turn caused more ripples, lines, divets. They were progessivly getting worse as time went on and it came time to discuss my options. Fat grafting was recommended as means to provide a layer of fat to speparste the implants from my skin filling in all the visible flaws while providing a nice natural contour. Fat grating/lipofilling is commonly used in patients like myself for a number of reasons. After an aggressive mastectomy it is very common to be left with such thin skin. Our goal with the procedure was to leave me with a more natural looking appearance.

Agreeing to go forth with the procedure meant first gaining enough weight to provide the fat that was needed. As hard as it was for me to gain weight, I constantly reminded myself that it was for a purpose. It wasnt my forever. Surgery day arrived quickly. This left me excited and hopefull that I would be able to feel confident topless once again. As a women this is very important.

After leaving my pre op appointment last week in tears, I couldn't get the fear of not having enough fat out of my mind.I had done everything in my power to gain weight in preparation for the surgery. I was very nervous that we wouldn't be able to harvest enough to achieve desired results.

At the time of surgery I was at an 8lb gain. I had made it, I had tackeled this giant to the best of my ability. I was ready and there was no turning back. Dr Hagarty came in before surgery to look at what she had to work with, leaving marks all over my abdomen and sides where she felt I had fat accumulation. Before I knew it I was on the operating table drifting to sleep.

Surgery took just under two hours and couldn't have been more successful. My family couldn't wait to give me the good news. Turns out I had JUST enough fat to sucessfully perform the procedure giving the results Dr Hagarty had hoped for. She took every last bit of fat my abdomen and sides had to give. She was able to harvest just enough to over fill my "breasts" by placing 100cc's of fat in each. Over time a portion of this fat will absorb back into the body, so overfiling is key. In about three months time I will be able to see our final results and start talking about our final step. Nipples!! The liposuction procedure ended up being every bit of painful as I had imagined it being. We are trying to keep on top of The pain the best we can, but my pain meds merely take the edge off. I am most comfortable laying down. The pain is tolerable until I try to move. It feels like my hystorectomy all over again. I was told that it is very important to take it easy through recovery so no complications arise. With many tunnels created from the Lipo any twisting, bending, or quick movements can cause a tesr resulting in internal bleeding and infection. I was placed in a corset type wrap that I will wear for the first four weeks. This is to not only give added support, but to Also prevent edema or seromas from forming.

Thing one and thing two are tolerating the added pressure wonderfully. They just feel very tight and full, because they are!!! I was instructed to wear a good supportive pushup bra to aid in healing to both help them heal in a natural position as well as giving the right amount of support to allow The fat to be excepted and develop blood flow. Any form of compression on my chest can smother the fat and cause it to die. I was able to unwrap long enough to take a shower and change my dressings today. I couldn't wait to get a glimpse of the twins in all their fat filled glory. I am happy with the outcome and now have a beautiful round contour. I am so thankful that I pushed through this one and opted to follow my Drs professional recommendation. Healing is my next step. All the worst is officially behind me and the road is slowly coming to an end.

Before

After

Second breakfast and icecream before bed

When I met with my plastic surgeon 4 weeks ago we decided to move forward with a secondary revision. We will be doing a fat harvest from my abdomen and lipofilling my chest. My tiny frame and our aggressive approach in removing every last cell of breast tissue left my skin incredibly thin. I have no breast tissue, no fat, nothing but muscle, skin, and implants. This has allowed every ripple, contour, dimple etc of my implant to be visible to the outside world. The imperfections were something I had planned to deal with, but after much internal debate, I decided I owed it to myself to keep moving forward. Fat transfer is used often in post mastecomy patients in similar situations and they end up with beautiful, natural looking results. After coming this far why not give it a try?!

At the time we agreed to this procedure, I had my little 103 pound body evaluated and was told that I only needed to gain about 5 pounds, 10 would be better but at least 5. Being the overachiever that I am I decided to make 10 my goal! I knew it wouldn't be an easy thing for me to do, and it was every bit of difficult as I imagined. With 2 breakfasts (the hobbit life) a day, more butterfingers than I can count, many bags of chips, fast food, protein bars and shakes, ice cream every night before bed and making myself completely miserable, I hit my goal just two days ago! I can feel it, I feel heavy, my clothes aren't as flattering as they once were and I feel as if I am going to bust out of my pants! I was soo excited to meet with my surgeon today and boast at how great I did! To me, I look as if I have gained quite a bit of belly fat. Sometimes the way we see ourselves isn't the same as another may see us. This turned my excitment into anxiety.

Because my implants have dropped down to a more natural position there is even more tension on my thin layer of skin. The imperfections and ripples have gotten worse and I am in need of a layer of fat all the way around my implants. My very hard earned 10 pounds didn't reveal as much fat as hoped for..apparently I am more loose mom skin than fat so this is going to be a tricky one. With liposuction already being a not so pleasant procedure, my little bit of fat is going to make for a tricky harvest. She plans to take every last bit that she can And overfill my chest hoping it will be enough. Not too optimistic She said that it is possible that in time I could need second lipofill. Of course I asked if it was possible to store the harvested fat (wishful thinking), sadly that isn't a technology that has been mastered yet. I do know that this is it. If this surgery doesn't give desired results I'm done. I can't keep doing this to myself. I am tiring out and am ready to just live my life. It took all I had to get here and ready for this procedure. I don't have it in me to put my body through this again. My love for food has diminished and I can't wait to just have a salad and go for a run!!!

Surgery will be next Wednesday at 8am. Dr Hagarty will preform liposuction on my abdomen and use the gathered fat to fill or "graft" my chest. She plans to be as aggressive with the fill as my body fat will allow. It is best to overfill as a fraction of the fat will be absorbed over time. If all goes well and the pain is managable I should be released later that day. I was warned that my chest will be a bit tight and tender feeling but I will experience the most discomfort in my harvest sites. I will have to bind my abdomen for a good four weeks to reduce the risk of edema. While I should notice a difference immediately, we won't know our final results for about three months. It is then that we will rediscuss the idea of nipples. Currently I don't have enough skin to do the reconstruction and with it's current condition, I May not even be a candidate for tattooed ones. We are hopeful that this procedure will give my chest the buffer that it needs. I am coming up on the 2 year mark since I found that first lump. I remember it like it was yesterday. "Casper" changed my life. It has been a journey and one hell of a test, but I am making it!!! I had no idea it would be such a process or this is where I would end up, but I am so greatful to have had such an overwhelming amount of love and support through every step of the way. We are slowly getting there. <3

Almost there

My revision surgery is coming up quicker than I can wrap my mind around and I still have a good 5lbs to pack on to make the fat transfer as sucessful as planned. Having to gain 10lbs in a one month period sounds easy. Most of us do it around the holidays without trying. Once you are put under pressure and know a lot is put on the line over a number on the scale, weighing in daily to calculate your gain it isn't as easy as it sounds. Maybe I have developed one bad ass metabolism over the past few yesrs, but I really don't know how wrestlers do it!!

I have been bopping back and forth, getting excited over a growing number, then feeling anger when I see the scale dropped again from one day of not over engourging myself. This is strange for me as I have always lived my life with a different strategy. In my promise to be strong and healthy I've spent the past 4 years on a clean diet with a cheat day once a week. Little to no gluten, limited sugar intake, good fats, high protein etc. In our house if you wanted chips and dip you better like humus and pretzel crisps. Want meatloaf, great..it will be made with quinoa instead of crackers. Enjoy pizza, me too..I won't tell you the crust is gluten free. I have had to go against everything my body has known and this process has only proved just how great I actually felt eating clean, and how terrible preservatives and junk leaves you feeling. My body is in total shock. I feel sick every single day. I wake up nauseous, and have no energy. I have no appetite but have to force myself to eat anyhow. The second I relax and stop focusing on what to eat next, the scale dips again. With one week left before my preop, this is something I can't afford.

People have told me that they wish they had this issue, that most would love to eat anything and struggle gaining weight. But frankly this situation pisses me off! I have always struggled with the opposite! One slip up would pack on the pounds! I always had to be careful. I have faught with eating disorders my entire life and have always had to be conscious of what I put into my body in combination with my activity level that day to stay where I felt most comfortable being. I used to crave junk food, and then feel guilty for eating it. Now that I am put in a situation where I have to gain weight, and can eat all the junk and fat I want the scale doesn't want to budge. Why?! It is frustrating. Perhaps it is karma!

Thankfully I am half way there. As of today I have hit my 5lb mark (again). It has taken me three weeks to get here, and I have about a week to go to put on another 5. I don't know how I will do this, but I promise you all, I am trying with everything I have. I always try my hardest to take things in stride with style and grace. This one has me caught up a bit. I felt pure defeat the other night as I laid on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball clutching my knees crying in pain. We had homemade pizza on real crust for dinner that night and typically I would eat two pieces, but in my attempt to gain I had four, followed by a Butterfinger for dessert. I felt miserable so we went to bed early. Like most nights recently my goal was to go to sleep and sleep away the stomach ache. Except this time I couldn't, and eventually my body rejected everything I had consumed. I felt so defeated in that moment. I needed that food to stay in, I needed those pounds and my mind just couldn't override my body that night. But the next morning was a new day and I went right back at it.

I know this is a small fight, and to most it seems like no big deal. For me it is quite a battle, but nothing I can't get through. I am confident that I will celebrate with all of you on the another side in a couple weeks. I promise you all, as well as myself that I will reach this goal!!! This surgery will be the last one and will put me another step closer to finishing this chapter off with two cherries (nipples) on top. I am almost there!! I don't know that I could have made it this far without you all. From my co-workers who surprise me with baskets of junk food at work, and remind me to eat, to my family that checks in to remind me this will be over soon, to my friends that are there for late night texts when I'm crying and questioning my ability to finish this task. I can not thank you enough for your love, support, kindness, and making me laugh when I want to break down. We are almost there.

Learning to break down walls

I don't know what I would do without my writting. I have always written through my troubles and found such a comfort in expressing myself, even if no one reads what I have to say. It is the only way I can let myself be vulnerable and honest with my inner being. Much of the time I forget they are posted for public eyes until I feel the anxiety as I stare at the "post" button. I'm trying so hard to break away from my debilitating habbit of caring what others think. This past year has been one of the hardest for me, for a number of reasons. Then again nothing about my life has been easy. Not many know my past. While somethings are out of your control they do shape who you become. I have always fought hard to be the best version of myself. I am very self aware and am always trying to grow. My husband and daughter are my saving grace. They are my light in my darkest moments and remind me that life is beautiful. They love me unconditionally for who I am. They are my stregth and the fire behind this blog. I am falling. I feel the depression is creeping back and I am giving my everything to overcome it and find my silver linnings. I am surrounded by them. I know what eats me up inside and I am going to squash it into the ground. That small voice inside my head that makes me question myself will be laid to rest. I am ready to take charge. We all have moments of success and failure and we all have times where we feel happy or heartbroken. We are human. I think often we forget that. To never have hard times means never knowing the true beauty of the good.

My number one issue: I care. I have always struggled with letting myself shine for who I am. I have a hard time letting my walls down and allowing the world to see me as I am. I always feel as if I have something to prove, or that I won't be loved if someone knew the real me...the real inner being of who I am. I long to be liked and accepted. I spent years being told I wasn't good enough. I have learned how to co-exsist and wear a smile as amor. I put up walls and keep myself locked inside a cage constantly questioning myself. This wall is tearing me apart and I can't go on like this anymore. I have to break free so here goes. This is my step one.

I am Kristy. I was born a free spirit. The daughter of a navy man and an amazing young women from a small town. I am from San Diego. I miss the beach, and the smell of the salt in the air, the street fairs, the art and the acceptance that such a diverse city gives. I have never quite felt like I fit in here, and that's when my struggles began. I just wanted to fit in, and no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't, but eventually it got easier and I learned to adapt. I try too hard and care too much...about everything. I am open, I am honest, yet I sensor myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love easily and judge few. I give a mile to others and alow them to take two. I envy those that do and say what they want without thinking twice. I find beauty in their confidence and hope one day I can find my own. I am bright and bubbly yet hold a lot of darkness inside that I don't want anyone to know about, so I try to hide it. I am embarrassed by them, often fearing I would be seen as less of a person if people knew I cried in the shower that day. I give my everything and am a perfectionist. I am my own worst enemy and constantly find myself fighting with the voices in my head. I am edgy and weird. I'm quirky and easily excited. I am a smart ass, I am loud..and more often than not, I won't get your jokes. I am deep and complex yet love simplicity. I love high fashion and art and the fast pace of the city. I love jeans and hoodies and the simplicity of sitting in the grass outside watching live music as the day turns to night. I miss the smell of the burnt rubber on the race tracks of el cajon speedway. Every time I go to Chicago I don't want to leave. My record player is the best gift I've ever received. Music is my favorite medicine..it lights me up and leaves me feeling weightless. I feel high when I close my eyes, throw my arms in the air and dance like I'm the only one in the room. I get lost in books and feel infinate knowing I am not alone in this world. I am a free spirit at heart and need to break free from this cage. I am known for shutting myself down and becoming numb, often going through the motions of life as a means to protect myself and shield others from seeing what is weighing on my heart. I am affraid to let myself fall. I am constantly worried that such a stumble would make others think less of me. I am working on this. We are all struggling with something no one knows anything about. We all make mistakes, we all go through hard times. I am in that place and I am currently working on it. This year my goal is to embrace who I am for every piece of me. To have learned from my mistakes and to not only be who I am, but let others see who I am. The shy, the scared, the proud, the excited, the deep, the dark, the bright the happy. We are all many things, We are all unique. I am ready to find my light again. If you are around me in the future and feel I am different, or have changed..it is true. I am evolving and am working on finding myself. I am unlocking the cage and letting myself fly <3