Life goes on..

I still remember the way I felt when I learned I was going to have my first lumpectomy. Nauseated and full of fear. When I learned I would be having my second, a double this time, I was angry and annoyed that this was happening again. I didn't understand the how or why. When I found the 4th hamartoma ultimately leading to my double mastectomy I went numb, completely masking my emotions. The past year wasn't particularly easy, and the pain both physically and mentally seemed as if it would last forever. It is strange how a speed bump in the road of our lives can feel endless at times. Eventually the storm blows over, the clouds part and the sun shines again. Before you know it the hours turn into days, the days into weeks, and the weeks turn into months. You grow. Change, and adapt while embracing every moment whether you realize it or not. Life goes on, no matter the case. And eventually you feel ok again. If you're lucky you will discover the bigger reason behind the trials you faced.

The other weekend I slipped on my team underwires "proud to wear pink" t-shirt while fighting back bittersweet tears. A shirt I was gifted at my Tata to the tatas party. The same "T" I wore as I walked into the hospital that morning on June 16th.

My little and I, along with some friends, went to The last annual team underwire dinner/celebration/charity event. While I myself didn't have breast cancer and am not a survivor of such...I am proud to be a previvior.I had a disease leaving me predisposed with an 85% risk leading to the removal of my breasts. The cause will forever be one that touches my heart. To be surrounded by so many amazing women and men that have faced such trials and tribulations, proud, smiling, and excited to share their stories of hope. Awareness needs to be raised for those that have faught, are currently fighting, will fight, or are predisposed like myself. It isn't about saving the tatas, it is about saving the person beneath them.

Today is my 9th week with the foobs. Thing one and thing two are, ever so slowly healing beautifully. After seeing my plastic surgeon and having expansion put off week after week, apt after apt, I was finally able to receive an expansion today!!! I felt so much excitement when the nurse told me my skin finally looked well enough to move forward. Perhaps driving the hour there myself without so much as an ibeprofin wasn't the best choice I've ever made...but I'm certain the sheer excitement is what got me back home. My muscles are a bit tight, and sore...but I am delighted to feel such discomfort at this moment. We are moving forward.

I'm doing great and feeling pretty darn amazing!!I have been venturing out more, carefully testing my limits, keeping busy and being thankful for this life I've been blessed with. If this journey has taught me one thing, it is to cherish the little things. A few of my most recent cherished moments include:

*My 6 year old telling me that I look strange without nipples and asked if I could call my Dr and go get them sewed back on, leading to the question of where they went once they were removed...do I really want to know?!?!? Probably not! Haha.

*Putting on a swim suit for the first time since the mastectomy to join my friends for a pool party. While I had nothing to fill the top...I felt confident, proud and beautiful in it!! And Not having hard nipples to show upon the first plunge into the water was a win for me!! haha

*My ever so adorable (not) expansion bra leaving me self conscious due to it making it look as if I have hard nipples...only to laugh inside at how ironic this concern is. I have no nipples..why should I care?!?! Haha

*Being able to run again!!! While I am far from where I was..I am out there doing what I can and that leaves me feeling pretty darn excited!!

*Hopping on the very same bike Santa brought me when I was about 10, and joining my family for a nice 6 mile bike ride on my favorite trail.

It truly is the little things that matter most, and remind you just how good life is :-) I am on my 3rd week back to work (loving my new job btw!!!), I have been taking care of all house work and laundry again and am feeling back to myself. It has only been 9 weeks, yet it fees like forever...my forever. Before I know it this moment and these memories will be but a blur in a much larger picture. Even when time seems to stand still Life goes on.

Progressing on while stuck in limbo.

Today officially marks 7 weeks since the mastectomy!!!! 7! That's sort of a huge deal. I still remember laying eyes on our precious miracle at our 7 week ultra sound, a baby the size of a grain of rice with a bouncing beating heart. A lot can change in 7 weeks, and looking back I really have come so far. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel different. Something changed within me the day I parted with the lumpy twins, something I could never explain..not even to myself. I do know one thing though, it has been a true test and I like where the journey is taking me. The situations that didn't make sense to me just two months ago felt like a dense fog blanketing my vision. The fog is continually lifting illuminating the path to my future self. "Everything happens for a reason" is becoming more and more of something I feel, not just believe.

Life has picked back up and in so many ways and I am truly feeling like myself again. Whatever that may mean. I still see photos of myself from just a few months back, and I almost can't connect with her. I am not that girl anymore, I am better. I feel better. I am beaming with joy and excitement about many things taking place in our lives right now. My little has decided she wants to get back into dance so we registered her for the 2015-2016 dance year, and she will be starting 1st grade in two short weeks. It is hard to believe time has gone by so quickly when I can so vividly remember that first glimpse of her tiny beating heart. As a way to celebrate the beautiful changes life has thrown our way, we spent Saturday soaking in some sunshine with a picnic lunch and a relaxing paddle boat ride.

I went back to work yesterday, starting on a new career path! I am very excited, proud and in awe that I was given the opportunity to train in and work for the very salon that I first stepped into and fell in love with at the age of 15. A place that I am passionate about and feel at home in. I can't wait to see where I go from here as a front desk coordinator. I admit, I was so nervous to step back into the working world after 9 weeks off. I anxiously went through my clothing options to find something to hide my amazingly sexy expansion bras, threw on my favorite red lip and set out into the day. It felt amazing! I still find myself easily exhausted, and my chest muscles quickly get sore, but it feels great to be back out there.

Today I met with the nurse at my plastic surgeons office for the first time since I was put on hold two weeks ago. I was excited all day to get to my appointment so I could get that green light and resume the expansion process.

Much to my surprise, my body still isn't ready for it. Thing one is giving me a run for my money very slowly going about her healing process. Turns out the prednisone I had to go on last week to help aid my body in fighting off the chigger bites that I didn't have the immune system to battle only further slowed the healing. Who knew. I would be lying if I said I wasn't crushed, because I was. I Sat there, bitting my lip and holding in the tears. I was reminded that resuming expansion with how thin my skin is at this time could result in breaking that stubborn insicion open causing me to lose my left expander all together. I know, I'm reminded every time...but it is still a bummer all the same

I understand patience is key, and I know I will get there. But where the foobs are concerned, I feel as if I'm stuck in a holding pattern that I often wonder if I will ever get out of. While I'm a bit discouraged, my life is resuming all around me, even though I feel stuck. For that, I am incredibly thankful. I was told that I can ease back into vacuuming, and was even given the ok to run again!!! Words can't even describe the excitement this gives me!! Essentially I am back to myself. I mean, aside from the partly healed, half deflated foobs awaiting their expansion and swap procedure. But we will get there. I imagined myself being in such a different place at 7 weeks. I so badly want to be on the other side of this road, and close this chapter behind me. I shed my tears for the day, picked myself back up and Looking back at where I was, and where I am..I've come a long way. I have to be proud. I AM proud. As the saying goes "everything happens for a reason". I know one day said reason will shine bright and clear. Until then, I will continue to press on while stuck in limbo.