Resuming normalcy

The past 5 weeks have been a roller coaster, not only emotionally but physically as well. The expectations we set for recovery tend to be a steady uphill climb to the top when realistically we get turned around, go backwards, and sideways every now and again. While we may not be constantly climbing that mountian, it is important that we always place one foot in front of the other and continue to march forward.

Mornings are still my least favorite time of the day. Your muscles stiffen down on the Expanders and you wake up stiff and sore every day. This feeling fades away and as the day goes on its easy to forget that the mastectomy even happened. Much of the time I feel that I am doing wonderfully, and at others my emotions get the best of me. Not because I'm sad, or mourn the loss of my breasts, but because I get frustrated. Frustration is invoked by many situations such as not being able to do things you once did, or forgetting what you're capable of and having shooting pain bring you back to reality. Even getting dressed can be a source of both happiness and tears depending on the given day. Trying to pick the right outfits that both make me feel good, fit me, and hide the awesome granny expansion bras that I dont imagine would leave any 27 year old feeling very pretty can be a chore. Because I'm so thin up top, and they remove breast tissue up from locations in your chest you never knew it exsisted in, I'm left with an indent where my cleavage once formed and a buldge from my sternum. I have tiny foobs, but still have a flat/indented chest in all my clothing. After the next surgery this will all be a thing of the past as they move the foobs placing them higher and more centered creating a natural look. For now, the sole concern is expanding my chest to make room for the implants to happen.

This past weekend was my 10 year high school reunion!!! I had so much anxiety that I almost didn't go. Trying to find the perfect outfits for the weekends activities left me feeling a bit down and out, but I was so so excited to finally be able to put on and button my own jeans. You don't realizing how much you use your chest in such a simple act until your chest muscles have been compromised.

I was so excited and ready to go, until five minutes into the drive. Lately social interactions, especially with those that may have heard about my situation, leave me feeling very anxious and vulnerable. I fear being looked at in a different light or treated differently. And the last thing I ever want is pitty or sympathizing stares. Thankfully those that knew were so amazingly kind and the nervousness quickly fadded away. I am always proud to answer questions and help educate others on the topic. I feel that it is one that is kept so quiet, especially in my age group. I even had a few girls poking and fondling thing one and thing two amazed and how strange the Expanders and ports felt! Haha at one point I even showed my no nipples off to a fellow classmate that didn't believe I was nipple-less. And I did it with full pride! This is who I am now. I am a tiny, 27 year old mother and wife rocking a healing nipple less chest through expansion. And I am proud, and I am still the crazy go lucky me that I have always been, maybe even better!!!!.

The foobs are now a day shy of being 6 weeks post op!!! They continue to get better with every day and are trying their very best to heal. I'm still struggling with my thinner skinned, stubborn thing one, and over the weekend the scab that had been holding her closed had been taken out at the hands of my gauze. She has since closed a bit and is working hard to heal. This only reminded me that, while I was upset last week for having expansion called off and put on hold until next week, that the time is really needed for my healing.

aside from that small trouble spot, they are doing great! The right side sits lower and over towards my armpit still. It isn't noticeable when clothed, but I can certainly feel it's presance when trying to reach my right arm across my body.

Here is my view looking down

6 weeks is a huge huge deal!! I'm excited to be at this milestone. Life is slowly resuming normalcy. I am back to driving, I can do my own hair with out any fight or exhaustion, button my own jeans, and do much of what I would normally do. I still get tired pretty quickly and activity leaves me sore but it's great to be feeling like myself again. I'm craving the day that I can run again, and am allowed to vacuum and mop my floors on my hands and knees, but I know those days are coming. In 7 short days I will be back into the working world starting a new job. And in a couple weeks our daughter will be starting 1st grade and going back to dance class.Life will be busy again, and full of activity all while making my weekly trips to see my plastic surgeon for expansions. I imagine it will be exhausting in the begining, but I am so excited to no longer feel as if I am stuck in limbo. The worst is behind me. I have a lifetime of adventure and health ahead of me. I'm excited to see where life goes from here.

"You just need more time"

Just five little words:"you just need more time". Those words have become some that I dread to hear, and ones I have recently heard more often than not. Today I am 5 weeks post op!!! 5 weeks isn't long in terms of our exsistance, yet when living in that moment, a few short weeks can feel like eternity.

I've been trying to make the very best of the situation and my time home. While I'm healing and have many physical limitations, I've greatly enjoyed the family time. This past weekend was who else lands annual hog roast and music fest. Our closest friends band "Trippin Molly" were playing so I surprised Zach with tickets for father's day. I wanted to make sure he didn't miss out on account of me. We packed up all my pillows, extra gauze and bras and off we went for a night away despite the sticky humid summer heat Illinois got hit with. I spent much of my time sitting in the shade either in a chair at our campsite, or at a picnic table down by the band's. It was such a relaxing mental vacation. I felt so awesome just being out, and for the night I felt like my old self again.

Today I met with my nurse for what was supposed to be my second expansion. I was very anxious for this appoitment as thing one has been really fighting to heal. I was so concerned that being hot and sweaty over the weekend had destroyed my chances of expansion for the week, and with good reason. The nurse asked how I was doing and I told her I was doing well, but nervous for her to see thing one. I slipped my oh so non flattering mastectomy bra off and she started to contemplate doing the fill. She took a picture and spoke with my plastic surgeon who eventually came in to see thing one for herself.

I knew what was coming next, and then she said it "You just need more time". My body is really fighting delayed healing and is doing the best it can. Essentially healing is based on a healthy blood flow to the effected area. Because my skin is it's thinest in that particular spot, it doesn't get as much blood flow as it otherwise would, thus slowing down the healing process. My foobs can't handle the exra pressure of another expansion without an increased risk of splitting the insicion back open. I am now in the midst of a two week break including lots of fresh fruits, veggies, vitamins, and increased protein to help promote healing. I was concerned about my time outside over the weekend and my surgeon assured me that sweaty foobs weren't the culprit. I've done all I can do to help my body heal. I think that may be why I'm so frustrated with them. I have taken it so easy, fought my ocd daily, and rested when possible. I have followed all drs orders and made sure I didn't reach, push, or pull and I avoided repetitive motions. I've done all I can. Honestly I'm starting to feel annoyed and discouraged with myself. I am no where close to where I imagined myself being at 5 weeks post op. This journey has been so much more than I anticipated it being. I know healing takes time, and that this is only a sliver of a fraction in the grand scheme of it all. But for now, in this moment I'm trying not to be disappointed. I will get there. I just need more time.

Onto the next chapter

It has been 4 weeks now since the mastectomy and I have spent every second of that time channeling all my energy into healing. I knew the process would be a lot, but it really has been so much more than I could have ever imagined. The first three weeks consisted of The worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I'm not one for staying down for long so over time the pain and limitations frutstrated me to a point that I was questioning my ability to get through the expansion process. I had moments of wishing I had just chosen a flat chest over the reconstruction process. Last week was my worst in terms of emotional well being. And then one morning, after the usual stiffness wore off, I felt the best I had since the surgery. Both physically and mentally I felt awesome. Just like that. The nerves in my chest are slowly desensitizing, and my energy is coming back little by little with each day and overall my spirits are lifting and I'm starting to shine again. I've even been walking on my tredmill, doing leg extensions on my weight bench and using my stationary bike without using my arms.

This past weekend we enjoyed time with family, and went to see a play. It was so nice to get dolled up and feel pretty again. I needed the assistance of my 6 Year old to zip my dress, of course, but it felt awsome to be in something beyond the button ups and swing back tops I have been rocking. I even did my hair!

Today I was scheduled to meet with my nurse for my very first expansion. I had been going in weekly for progress checks, every time hoping I was ready to start expansion. And every week I was told the same.. "Your skin is just too thin you need more time". When I saw Dr Hagarty Last week she told me that today would be the day!!! I was nervously excited and though I had anxiety about it, I couldn't wait. I got to my apt and my nurse asked how "thing one" (the left foob) was healing so I undid my compression bra (that I am so proud of) and the puzzled look on her face left a knot in my stomach. I could read her mind, and I knew my insicion was still questionable. After driving an hour for the sole purpose of starting expansion and being so excited...I was worried I was about to be sent home in tears. The insicions delayed healing combined with the thin skin, my left side has been a constant source of throuble since day one. It still isn't healed as well as they had hoped and the insicion slightly parts when pressed on. Between the inscion and having little skin to spare they were very apprehensive about proceeding with today's scheduled fill. I posed a pretty good risk of splitting back open. But after a lot of pressing, poking, prodding and thought, she decided we would start with that side and slowly expand while watching the inscion, stopping if needed. I was able to take all 30cc's but was told to take it very very easy over the next week paying close attention to that side. I'm not even allowed to raise my arms over my head for the next few days. I was warned that because I am so tiny and don't have much tissue to begin with, the process will be much much slower for me and cause a lot more discomfort than it commonly would, especially since I have been fighting the pulling sensation in my sternum since the placement of the Expanders. I didn't feel much of the expansion itself thanks to the muscle relaxer I took before my appointment. However, as soon as I stood upright I felt it. The burning stretching feeling of my sternum and the pressure on my ribs are ones I don't think I will ever get used to..and they will only get worse. My chest is feeling pretty tight, and I went to cross my arms without thinking twice and was instantly yelled at by the foobs. Lol It is going to be strange getting used to the rocks on my chest as they continue to inflate, slowly becoming larger akward boulders with zero give. But, I am so so very excited to be in the beginning stages of this next chapter of my journey.

Zach was amazed by the fill. While it was only 30cc's, he said he could literally see my chest filling and expanding. Much like a balloon being blown up, my chest is slowly inflating. Now I wish I would have looked, but seeing needles going into my skin has never been something I've handled well, and that needle was massive! Haha no thanks! I can't believe how much of a difference such little bit of saline made! They instantly rounded a bit and are starting to look like something; I am only at 155cc's now, and my Expanders hold 400cc's. We've got a long way to go..but slow and steady will win this race, and I feel nothing but excitment!

Left side after fill and right side being filled

Before

After

Slowly but surely

Yesterday I hit 3 weeks post op!!!! It has only been 3 short weeks since I saw MY breasts for the last time, yet it already feels like forever ago. I find myself looking at pictures taken just before the surgery and realize I have already forgotten what they looked like, how they felt, and how I looked with them. I am different now, and the thinned skinned lumpy under construction chest is the new, temporary me. Honestly, I am perfectly ok with that. Knowing that the breasts I was born with were nothing more than ticking time bombs only reminds me life will be better without them. I will be healthier without them, and that makes my new chest beautiful in itself.

Yesterday I saw my plastic surgeon for my 3 week check up. I have met with her 1-2 times a week since the mastectomy and will continue to do so for many weeks to come. My appointment was for the removal of the steri strips and my first expander fill. While I did have my steri strips removed, fully exposing my new chest, we had to postpone starting expansion for another week. The insicion on thing one is taking its sweet time healing and my skin is still too thin all around. Starting expansion before my chest is ready can cause a world of trouble and complications.

The idea of seeing my fully exposed bare chest for the first time brought me anxiety. I have been covered by steri strips unable to see what thing one and thing two truly look like. Having had my nipples removed too, I was nervous how I would react upon seeing them. I even asked that I go through this appointment alone, bracing myself for potential tears. If I've learned one thing through this process it is that emotions hit out of the blue and there is nothing you can do should your Damn break. I sat there in a chair that resembled a dentist chair without the tools, and braced myself for the sticky tape to come off. Except I felt nothing. I wonder if I will ever get used to not having any feeling upon my foobs surface? When I looked down at my Nipple less chest for the very first time I did nothing but smile. In that moment I felt happy, and safe. Aside from the slow healing, they look beautiful. I am so happy with the job Dr Hagarty did with sewing me back up, and in time my scars will be barley visible at all. We are getting there.

I am now out of pain meds and doing it on my own with the help of ice and ibuprofen. I have muscle relaxers but only take them before my weekly appointments. The hour long car ride, and all the extra attention my foobs receive aren't tolerated too well just yet. My chest still hurts, pretty badly, and the discomfort is constant. I asked my surgeon about the terrible burning sensation deep within and was told it is something that needs time, along with the rest of me. The open blister feeling is caused by the rough sandpaper like texture of the expander rubbing on the newly severed nerv endings within my muscle. She said that I will continue to feel this sensation until the nerve endings desensitize. One way to speed the process along is to purposly cause discomfort by pressing and rubbing my chest forcing them to desensitize faster. Ouch!

I hit a super huge exciting milestone yesterday as I was told that I could swap out being bound in an ace bandage for a compression bra. I was Soo excited to slip on my Elizabeth mastectomy bra and not feel like I was suffocating. I was Starting to feel so annoyed and claustrophobic in that darn wrap. Not to mention it resulted in planning my showers around the availability of others as wrapping myself was very difficult. While my new found freedom allowed me to breath easier, and get dressed on my own, it has also increased the rubbing burning feeling. Less compression gives more room for movement and since I'm so tiny and everything is literally crammed in my chest The friction is inevitable. I'm hoping this desensitizes those nerves at a faster rate.

Next Tuesday we are finally going to start expansion. We are taking it very slow and only doing 30cc's for my first fill. Because I am so tiny with little skin to spare, the process is going to be much slower and more painful than it would have been otherwise. This entire thing has been so so much more than I could have ever imagined. I keep reminding myself that it is only temporary and soon I will forget how the process felt and I will be rocking my foobs with the journey to them a distant memory. Until that moment I will continue to press on, slowly but surely.

Thin skin

Growing up I was a very emotional child. I would worry about things that weren't for me to worry about, get upset about things that didn't effect me, and I strived to please others. I took the weight of the world on my shoulders. I remember being told multiple times to "grow some thicker skin." Little did I know there would come a day where I would actually be fighting to grow thicker skin.

Fighting with eating disorders through most of my teen and early adult years, and then later gaining a lot of weight due to Having destroyed my metabolism. I faught hard to transform myself and become healthy and the ultimate me. To make strong the new skinny.

My years of planks and pushups strengthed my upper body, also removing any fat I had previously wore. During a total mastectomy all breast tissue is removed down to the muscle, the nipple and surrounding skin is removed and those who undergo reconstruction with tissue expanders have their pec muscle cut in half and the expander placed within the pocket.

This gives it some added support since they don't sew them in. My expander is mearly crammed within my chest with folds and ridges which will smooth out as they fill. Just as an inflatable beach ball has ridges and corners until filled. Only problem is, my skin is SO thin. I had no fat within my chest and didn't have very large breasts providing much excess skin either. With the swelling gone you can see everything within my chest, every ridge, every fold, every corner created, or knot at the end of a stitch.

This morning I unwrapped to shower and noticed that I had a corner, or knot from a stitch..whatever the case, something has torn its way through my skin. Thankfully my skin no longer has feeling because I can't imagine what this would have felt like.

I'm not quite sure what this means, but I was told that once I start the expansion process I will loose all the harsh folds and corners because the expander is actually round in shape. I have an appointment on Tuesday, but at this rate I don't know what will happen next. Has my skin thickened enough to do a fill and hopefully force that harsh corner to fold in a bit? Or will I have to wait longer. Looking at them makes me feel nauseated. It is an uneasy feeling being able to see something that is within your body so clearly through your skin. I could never be a nurse.

Aside from not having thick enough skin, I am doing wonderfully. Emotionally I feel strong. I haven't shed a single tear since my giant cry last Sunday night. Maybe that was the very thing I needed. Perhaps it's true when they say tears cleanse the soul. We made it through Zachs first week back to work, and life is slowly resuming back to normalcy. The pain has turned into more of an annoying discomfort that I am getting better at coping with and though I'm still easily exhausted..I'm finding each day continues to get better. Bed time remains my least favorite part of the day. Trying to get comfortable can take a while, and a lot of pillows. Haha The best way to describe it is that raw scratchy burn one would feel when a blister has been broken open...that is how my entire chest feels all of the time. I'm not sure if that is how it is for everyone, or if it's just because my tissue is so thin that my expanders (which are gritty in texture to keep them in place) sit closer to the surface rubbing? Whatever the case, I feel that the foobs have come a long way from the pain I felt just 2 weeks before. Little by little each day will continue to get better. I am continually excited to see what tomorrow holds.