Where do I go from here?!

Decisions. Our lives are shaped by them. They come in many forms, and while some are miniscule, others completely change the paths of our current existence. Who we are, and where we will go from here are all hinging on the decisions we make.

I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I never thought twice when it came to the idea of having the mastectomy. I had the facts, I knew my odds, and I was over the bi-monthly dissection of the lumpectomies that had become both repetitive and predictable. Some choices just come as no brainers. I felt the same when the topic of removing my nipples was debated between my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon. Ones goal was my longevity and health while the other wanted the prettiest picture at the end. I opted to cut my risks completely by removing the last part of my chest that would allow me to view it as my own even once my breast tissue was gone. I made an educated decision based on facts. I knew no matter what choice I made, I would never be the same again. Keeping my nipples wouldn't have changed that.

Here I am months later having recently shed more tears over nipples than I can count. Though not for the reasons you would guess. I'm on the other side; I made it through the most painful journey I've ever faced. I got through the mastectomy, I'm finished with the expansion and reconstruction process and I finally have my soft new implants. Life is resuming back to normal and I'm finally at a point where I can just live and put it all behind me. Or am I?!

During my one week post op my PS asked me if I had any questions concerning nipple reconstruction. I told her that I didn't think it was a procedure I wanted to have. She reminded me that I am young and told me I owed it to myself to at least think about it. She justified her suggestion by saying that currently it is as if I have a head without a face, or eyes without eyebrows. Essentially, my foobs do not and never will look like boobs without nipples. And perhaps she is right. Before the mastectomy I was hell bent against going through nipple reconstruction. Another procedure all for the sole purpose of nipples seemed so silly and unnecessary to me. The foobs will never be boobs to me with or without nipples. Said nipples will never be mine, they will never have feeling, react to hot or cold, nor will they serve any purpose beyond cosmetics reasons. I confided in a wonderful friend of mine who has been going through her own mastectomy journey during the same time as my own, and she had explained the idea as placing the cherry on top. I loved her analogy, and it really got me thinking. Honestly it's all I've been able to think about these past two weeks. I've never been so undecided in my life. I'm usually pretty strong willed and quite often I know what I want and if I don't I turn to facts and statistics to aide in my decisions. I've never felt this way before and the uncertainty has left me completely torn, full of anxiety and I have found myself crying more often then not. Truth is, I don't know what I want aside from having this all behind me. Sometimes I wonder how I am really hidding in the bathroom at the age of 27 crying while I try to decide if nipples are necessary to me. I've never cared much for cherries on top of my sundaes anyhow. Do I need a cherry this time? Do I owe it to myself? I often wonder if my anti nipple reconstruction is a result of me actually being content without them, or if I've been telling myself I don't need them because I'm ready to be done with this chapter of my life. Without them I am already done. I'm healing, I'm back to work, I made it and the rest is history. Nipples signify another step, another procedure and a couple more miles in my race. Do I push on a bit longer to put that cherry on top?? I can't help but feel as if Im being completely selfish by not considering such an option for my husband. During one of my meltdowns I asked him for his opinion and he kindly told me that the foobs don't have any sexual appeal in their nippleless state. He continued to say that I've already sacrificed so much of myself for my health and family that it would be selfish of him to suggest such a procedure. While I value his opinion and am thankful for his honesty, I can't help but wonder if he would see me differently if I had them, and maybe I would see myself differently too?? I feel that perhaps being against the idea is not only selfish of me but maybe even cowardly for opting against such a thing because I'm mentally and emotionally tapped out and over the process. As a wife however, I feel I owe it to my husband to consider the idea. How can a decision really be this hard? I've grown attached to thing one and thing two and have found a particular beauty in them even though they lack the very thing that will complete them. What if I go through with the procedure and am left unhappy with them taking this image of beauty away?? No matter which way I choose it is a decision that I will have to live with for the rest of my exsistsnce, and I'm affraid to make the wrong one.

I meet with my plastic surgeon for my 3 week follow up this coming Tuesday. I've decided that I will go into the appointment with an open mind. I will have my husband by my side and together we will ask questions and gain knowledge to aide is in making an educated decision, rather than one fuled by emotion and fear. I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% certain of which option is best for me, but I hope to soon have a bit more of an idea of where to go from here.

I'm almost there

This morning started out a bit rough. I had cut back my pain meds thinking I was doing better and didn't need them as often. I was proved wrong when my alarm went off this morning and I tried to sit up. Perhaps my pain meds had actually helped more than I had thought they did. Needless to say, I am taking them again. I met with my plastic surgeon for my post op assessment this morning. Tomorrow will mark the end of my first week with my new soft foobies. I have to admit, I keep touching my new cleavage line. I'm completely amazed at how natural it feels. I had gotten so used to the grand canyon sized valley that separated thing one and thing two that having cleavage at all is exciting.

The girls have come a long way in the past 17 weeks. After the mastectomy my chest was actually sunken in. My sternum potruded out which only emphasized how hollow my chest had become. I was stripped of every last bit of breast tissue which actually extends up towards your collar bones, a lot higher than your breasts themselves. It isn't until you have a mastectomy that you learn just how much of your upper torso is breast tissue. While I never had a big bust to begin with, the change still came as a bit of a shock. Eventually I adjusted and became used to my new, ever changing body. It wasn't long before I had nick named the foobs and began cracking jokes about them often refering to them as "my new bar tricks". I was always proud to talk about the process and show them to others, strangers or not. How will awareness ever be raised in a society that is so quiet when it comes to such an issue?! A woman is still beautiful after a mastectomy. Breasts don't make a women who she is, and a mastectomy shouldn't leave her viewed as damanged, broken or less of a woman.

Over the weeks I slowly went through expansion, watching my body change with every fill and eventually I was so full my chest had become rock solid and uncomfortable. Having nice new memory gel implants are a nice change. They are just so soft! Dr Hagarty noticed that I still have quite a bit of swelling and what looks like a small blood pocket on the right side, which is normal for the amount of work that took place. She explained a bit more of what she did during my exchange and explained why I have the level of pain I am feeling. She said usually the exhange surgery is a lot easier, and recovery isn't too painful. Except my exchange came with a lot of revision which is making my recovery a bit more than I anticipated. Usually it is a quick swap, out with the old and in with the new sort of thing. My right side needed to be moved up over to create an even, natural looking appearance. Women don't normally have one breast in front and the other hanging out over in their armpit haha. These revisions involved a lot of internal suture work to my pec muscles. She wanted to be sure to provide me with the best symmetry she could. She also explained that younger women have a harder time with pain during this recovery because our nerves are more active and fire at a faster rate allowing us to feel more pain. Interesting!!!

Aside from the pain and swelling I am healing beautifully. Dr Hagarty is very pleased with her newest works of art. I caught my nurse staring at them while I sat there topless. She nodded, smiled, and told me that they look great. This is the same nurse that had sent me home in tears without expansion, week after week because my skin was so thin and my body had a hard time healing. It made us all smile to look back and reflect on the journey and how far they have come in the past few months, and just how far I have come. I have grown very attached to everyone in the office. They have all impacted my life in more ways than they will ever know.

I have been given the ok to return back to work next week. I am to mind my 5lb weight limit and stay away from any pushing/pulling/reaching motions as these can damage my healing muscles and tear the very suture lines that are holding my implants in place. Because of the swelling I have to continue to bind myself in the ace bandage over my underwire bra for another week. I will continue to wear an underwire bra 24/7 and follow my list of restrictions for the next 5 weeks until the capsule is fully formed around the implant providing it with the support it needs. I will meet with Dr Hagarty again in 2 weeks to check on my progress. I'm almost there.

On the other side

The numbness found me again in the days leading up to my exchange surgery. I found myself crying randomly through out the days leading up to the opperation. I couldn't believe the time was finally here. I was really almost done and such a milestone left me overwhelmed, thankful, and anxious. This was a surgery that I thought of all through out my mastectomy recovery and expansion process. It marks the end of a lengthy yet challenging race. I was about to cross the finish line; I made it, yet felt numb and couldn't believe it. There are still moments where it is hard to take in the fact that all of this really happened. My mastectomy to my exchange surgery took 17 weeks. In the grand scheme of things 17 weeks is nothing, but a small portion of my life. While living in the moment it felt like my forever.

I underestimated this one. I was oblivious and assumed that having made it through the mastectomy that nothing would ever compare to the pain I experienced with the initial removal of my breasts and placement of those rigid terribly uncomfortable Expanders. I had it in my head that I would have instant releif as soon as those over filled rocks had been removed and replaced with soft new implants. I wish my assumptions had been true.

Over the course of the expansion process my right expander had torn through the suture wall allowing it to drop and shift over into a nice pocket in my armpit. Not only had it moved but the expander itself had rotated. A majority of this was my fault as I did too much too soon while recovering from the mastectomy. Lifting myself up out of bed was the biggest culprit. But how else do you sit up from the laying position?? I suppose I should have asked for help more than I did. Lesson learned.

Before taking me down to the opperating room my plastic surgeon came in to asses the foobs and see what kinds of revisions needed to be made to give me the best chance at nice symectric and natural looking foobs. She made her marks explaining that I would need a thick band of sutures anchored into my peck muscle to keep my implant from shifting over into the cozy home my expander lived in benethe my armpit. To keep the implants from dropping too low I also needed thick suture lines beneath each implant. All this revision turned my surgery into one that required an hour longer than scheduled. I can't imagine how my family must have felt when they were told the exchange wouldn't take longer than an hour and a half. Two and a half hours later I was finally in recovery.

The pain is a lot more than I imagined it to be. Due to all the added work on my right side standing up is proving to be painful. The pain radiates down my side, and up into my shoulder. Finding comfort has been difficult and sleeping has been a challenge but I'm trying my hardest to push through. I remember being in a similar place 17 weeks ago, only this time I will be extra cautious and do nothing beyond resting so that I can heal properly. I can't always be super women, I have learned that through out this journey a number of times. My surgeon went in through my mastectomy scars so that I wasn't given any additional marks on my chest. She said I had enough scars and tattoos, that I didn't need anymore. While I am unsure on the tattoo comment, I was pleased that I wouldn't be gaining any new battle wounds. I don't know how many cc's my implants are, but I was told that she put in implants that are actually larger than my expanders were. This blew my mind!! Due to the soft texture, movability and more natural shape of the implant you would never guess them to be larger than those terrible rocks I had been toting around. By the end of expansion they looked awkward and felt like over inflated volleyballs. They were uncomfortable, terribly akward and always sore. I am ecstatic to be free of them.

Yesterday I woke up excited to take a shower and get a glimpse of the newbies. I was instructed to wear a good fitting underwire bra 24/7 for the first 6 weeks while binding myself with an ace bandage over top. The underwire helps keep the implants sitting in the right place as they heal. Dr Hagarty told me that I should be about a 32d, which just so happens to be the same size I was before the mastectomy. I was excited to replace the granny looking expansion bras with my old grey lacey backed favorite. I laughed as I put on my bra and found that it didn't cover much. Definatly nothing like the pre mastectomy 32d's I had!!!

A perfectly fitting bra was very strongly advised as it is essential to my recovery. Clearly this bra isn't quite doing the trick. While I do still have some swelling I am going to get sized today and pick up a full coverage bra that offers a lot of great support and comfort to get me through the healing.

I cried a bit the first time I saw them. I wish I could fully explain the emotions I felt, but no words come close. They aren't too pretty just yet and have a lot of healing to go but they are mine. No more expanders, no more fills. These are my implants and the very things that I will spend the rest of my days with. I was told that over time the wrinkling, Puckering and indents will smooth out and disappear and eventually they will have a more natural appearance. My surgeon told me all I had left now was to go through one more surgery to get nipples. I wonder how she will react when I tell her that I'm opting against such a surgery. I remember crumbling the day I learned I would be losing my nipples. I hid in the bathroom crying hysterically unable to believe what was to come. Not having nipples didn't effect me like I had been told it would, and another surgery in the name of nipples doesn't seem necessary to me. They would have no feeling, they wouldn't look like my nipples, nor would they react as nipples should. They would be there for cosmetic reasons only. I feel that I'm ok without them.

I made it. I am finally on the other side and can work on recovery. It is such a great feeling to know the hard parts are over. The journey was nothing I had expected it to be. It was so much more. The experience, the pain, the frustraions, the laughs and the memories over the course of the past 17 weeks have all shaped the person I am today. (literally haha). I really made it. While my story isn't quite over yet, I am on the other side.

Sprinting towards the finish line

Today marks my 16th week since I said my final fairwell to my troubled twins. I write you this blog with tear clouded vision, reminiscing about the many memories and adventures the foobs and I have endured in the past 112 days. I still remember my mastectomy day as if it were yesterday. The complete numbness and denial I felt. It seemed as though I was on the outside looking in as my plastic surgeon drew the lines on my chest for my breast surgeon to follow as she cut off my breasts. How could that girl be me? How could I be only 27 and really be waiting for MY surgical team to take me back to the opperating room where they would remove a part of me? A part of my women hood that society has always put so much emphasis on. I was told I would never connect with myself the same way again. This scared me. How did I get there, and how would I live beyond those moments of fear? My mind overflowed with so many thoughts that eventually I turned them off all together. The early weeks following my surgery were some of my hardest, as any women that has been through a similar journey can contest. You are forced to feel again, and face reality. It may be more than you could have imagined and things that you once took for granted become daily struggles. You get upset and frustrated with yourself because you need help with little things such as opening the fridge. You are embarrased because you can't even reach a cup out of the cabinet and you are proud that you made your own sandwich but then cry because you can't shake the mustard. Then you finally feel well enough to get out of the house and can't wait to get dressed in something other than button up pajamas. You stare at yourself in the mirror fighting back tears because none of your clothes fit you right. But you press on and wear a smile fueled by fight and you cry in the shower so no one can hear you. Each day gets better and before you know it life resumes normalcy and you feel proud that you made it through the hard parts. One must cherish every mile of the journey, both good and bad, as they are all a part of your race. Before you know it you have miles behind you and you cross your finish line. When you do, you will look back with a happy heart and feel thankful for even the hard times for those are the moments that make the end that much more rewarding. No race goes on forever. I think this is something we tend to forget. We get caught up in the moment often forgetting about what we are working towards.

Distance runners are trained to start any race at a nice steady pace. This helps get them through the ramining miles allowing just enough energy to Sprint through the "shoot" which will lead them to the finish line. This last leg of the race is one of the most important. While other runners have over exerted themselves, struggling to reach that finish line, those that had paced their miles have the opportunity to kick it up a notch up and finish with their best efforts pushing with everything they have left. This has always been my favorite part of any race, and it makes the end that much more exhilarating. This entire process has felt a bit like that for me. I have gotten through every leg of this race not by being an optimist, but by looking towards the finish line and never giving up.

They always say "slow and steady wins the race". My reconstruction journey started off very slowly. Thin skin and delayed healing resulted in countless canceled fills, many tears and a lot of frustration. There were times where I wondered if I would ever make it to the end. It is difficult to look onward when you feel as if you're stuck running in place. But you keep running anyhow. It was just two weeks ago that I learned my body was ready to not only increase the amount I received per fill, but to have expansion done weekly! I was estactic!! This morning I was excited to get to my apt as I knew it would be my last expansion. I could see the finish line and it looked beautiful. I knew we were about to close another chapter making my next step the swap surgery. My favorite nurse took me back to the room where my chest muscles would be stretched for the last time. The two of us cracked jokes the entire time, as we always do. It was to my surprise when I learned I would meet with my plastic surgeon today for the first time in months!! Dr Hagarty examined me, commented on how thin my skin was (huge shock) and decided to over fill my Expanders leaving my 400cc tissue expansders holding 420 cc of fluid. This will allow a bit more "sag" once my soft new implants take their place. She essesed the current placement of thing One and thing two to get an idea of what revisions would be made during the swap to provide me with the most natural looking chest. I wasn't expecting more than my usual nurse visit today to see my surgeon came as a huge shock, so it was a gigantic surprise when I learned my swap surgery would be scheduled for NEXT week! I could barely breathe, I wanted to cry and I immediately called my work. I didn't plan for this, I had anticipated it not being for another 3-4 weeks. I am estatic, but I don't feel prepared. It is different when you think about the future and know the things that are to come, but it is another thing to learn that your future is now. I am in the shoot portion of this race, sprinting towards that finish line. I'm almost there. I have made it.

Here is a look back on my journey through expansion.

Where it all began

How far we have come.

Feeling confident enough to rock my first strapless dress since surgery.

My first race, and medal with the foobs

After my last and final fill