Drain free is the way to be

Its been a busy and equally emotional past few days here for me and the foobs. Zach went back to work Sunday night leaving me alone with my thoughts for the first time since surgery. I feel great much of the time, then when I least expect it something sets me off and my emotions take me by surprise. I was told by my Dr that there will be a rollercoaster of emotions that come and go as time continues on. It is a normal part of the healing process. I thought I would be different, turns out I'm not. Though bulletproof, I'm human too. My friend told me that if I didn't show emotion I would be a robot, and robots are boring. Haha Getting comfortable in bed is a hard task to achieve these days. I tried to move in an attempt to get comfortable and was hit with a wall of pain and then emotions flooded over me. I had my first real, deep, sobbing long cry. And I couldn't stop. I had detached myself from my breasts prior to the surgery in an attempt to mentally prepare. I am very happy that I had the mastectomy, I know it was a wonderful decision and one that promises a bright healthy future, I am blessed. I know that to be true. I have gone through the steps of the journey without allowing myself to feel the realness of it all, aimlessly going to appointments and continuing on without slowing down to really take it all in. I feel it from time to time, but Sunday night it really hit hard. I still feel guilty having any emotions other than smiles pertaining to the situation. When I felt that pain in my chest that night the reality truly hit, and I eventually cried myself to sleep. Maybe it is what I needed. I woke up the next morning feeling like new. And I haven't shed a single year since.

Yesterday I met with my breast surgeon for my 2 week post op. I won't see her again for 3 months. We went over the pathology report which showed that I had multiple hamartomas (beyond the one we knew about). I had Fibroadenomas in the left breast as well as fibercystic breasts. Dr Keller is very happy with our joined decision to remove the "girls" and said the hamarotmas would have been a continuous life long fight of mamograms and lumpectomies had any breast tissue been left. It is reassuring to know that I made the right decision. Now I continue the next leg of this journey with my plastic surgeon.

It seems like every couple days, we are making the hour long trip to a drs apppointment. I giggle inside when they hand me a gown to put on, to leave open in the front, only to slip it off my shoulders minutes later when the Dr comes in, ultimately leaving me topless. I once (many years ago) flashed my sister's roommate with a few other girls in exchange for pizza haha...now I show my chest daily and get nothing..not even beads! Lol

Saw my plastic surgeon for my 2 week post op with her. The appointment didn't quite go as planned but I am officially drain free! Wooohoo! Words can't even express how amazing it feels to have them gone!!

Unfortunately I am still pretty bruised and my inscicions are still healing so we couldn't remove my steri strips or stitches as planned, and due to the current condition of my skin we didn't start expansion either. My skin is still paper thin and needs a bit more time. stretching too soon will kill the healing tissue and my skin will die. I am scheduled to go back next Tuesday to be assesed again and have my stitches removed and possibly have my first expansion if all goes well. Dr Hagarty looked at my seroma and decided to drain it to alleviate some of the added pressure it was causing my thin tissue and found it to be blood rather than the watery fluid that usually make up seromas. Which could only mean one thing. I've been doing too much. Selma is no longer with us and it turns out I had tore some of the healing blood vessels resulting in a pocket of blood beneath my expander. The expanders aren't sewn in, but are placed between the pocket created in the pectoral muscle. They are very course in texture to keep them in place. It was explained as having a sheet of loose sand paper in my chest rubbing against freshly cut muscle with each time I raise my arm..so moving too much can be damaging while healing :-/ Now I'm benched. One wouldn't think that reaching over head for a cereal bowl, doing dishes, or gently wiping down counters would be doing too much. I was lectured and reminded that a mastectomy is a major surgery and was told for the next 4 weeks I am to do nothing beyond rest my muscles. No pushing, pulling, reaching, raising arms over head or across my chest. This will be a stuggle for me as I already feel completely lazy and worthless. I have a hard time needing help and watching others clean my house. Aside from the minor setbacks, I am doing well and continuing to pick up my feet and coast taking it one day at a time. Singing out- nippless and fabulous

10 days post op and Selma the seroma

Last night when I got out of the shower I bent down to get the towel that I had dropped. When I stood up I noticed some movement in my right foob. To a normal women, it would be normal to have your breasts flop around a bit when standing up from the bent over position, in fact it is inevitable. To a women rocking tissue expanders it takes you by surprise..because they are literally rocks that do not move. I called the after hour answering service to ease my mind, after all I have never been in this situation before and am learning as I go. My surgeon called me back saying that it sounded like a seroma.

A seroma is a pocket of bodily fluid that commonly occurs after tissue has been removed.http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/side_effects/seroma

I went in today to have the nurse take a look as adviced by my surgeon just to be certain. She took photos and called my Dr since my seroma (which I have since named Selma) isn't in the location they are commonly found in my given situation. Rather than being in my underarm area near the hole my drain once was, mine is at the underside of my tissue expander. My surgeon told the nurse to do a needle aspiration to remove the fluid, but since she hadn't done one before she didn't feel comfortable trying. Because I live over an hour away, I was asked to hang around town until the other Dr came in an later in the afternoon. I am glad I did.

The Dr in office decided to leave it for now. Because I have no signs of infection, and the risks of addressing it could leave me with a punctured expander leading to another major surgery ...leaving it seemed like the best course of action for now. I was told that my Dr may chose to drain it when I seen her next. He said typically during expansion the seroma runs out of space and is forced to either be absorbed by the body or spray out of the puncture hole created at the time of expansion. So for now I have what he calls "a fun bar trick"! Haha which I laughed at as it seems that I am not the only one that had stood in the mirror poking it, or ehm..sent videos of it to her friends. Haha

Aside from Selma I am doing pretty well. The bruising and swelling continue to go down little by little with each day and I'm adjusting to all the changes the best I can. One day at a time has become my new motto. That's all we can do. Embrace the journey and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

One day at a time

Yesterday was a big milestone for me. One week post op!!! It seems strange to think that I saw my breasts for the very last time a week ago, and soon it will be two weeks...and before I know it I will barely remember them at all. For that, I am so greatful for the the boduire shoot my friend did for me a few weeks before the mastectomy. It is true when they say "you dont know what you've got until it's gone". While my breasts never made me who I was, they were a part of me.

I woke up yesterday feeling pretty great. I woke up on my own, and not because my chest was screaming because my pain meds had worn off, and I was able to sit up in bed, on my own, without excruciating pain for the very first time. I knew at that moment it was going to be a great day. I had some pep in my step, and I felt significantly better than the days before. I took advantage of this and got wild and crazy!

And by wild and crazy I mean that I showered, shaved my legs, washed my own hair and even blowdried and straightened it, threw some makeup on, and got myself dressed...in real clothes(elastic band shorts, and button up top). I still needed my husband to help me with my dressings and binding my chest back up...but I was pretty Damn proud!!! I even opted to go to my daughter's library event with her. It was there that I realized that I am only a week out from such a major surgery. I still can't open my car door, and I received a dirty look from a lady when I didnt hold the door to the library open for her, a heavy oak door that my 6 year old had opened for me. Just proves that you should never judge another. They may look fine, but perhaps they are struggling and doing their best and crumbling inside because they wanted nothing more than to hold the door for you, but physically couldn't.

Before I knew it, it was time to make the hour journey to my plastic surgeons office for my one week post op. I admit, I was nervous to see her. Especially given the past two times I had seen her she left me angry, and feeling less than for chosing my breast surgeons treatment plan over hers. I never knew nipples were of such great importance until I sat through her lectures. I was determined to walk into her office yesterday with my head held high, looking my best, and exuding confidence...even if it killed me. I wanted nothing more than to prove to her that I can love myself and feel beautiful even though I chose to remove my nipples. And I did!!! With or without nipples, I am still a badass!!!!

My appointment went well. I undressed from the waist up and sat there focusing on the cabinet trying to remind myself to breathe so I didn't pass out. I still don't do well with gravity on my bare chest. As much as I feel like I'm suffocating being bound up, I quickly miss my wrap when my chest is left free. After what felt like a short eternity she came in to see me. Thankfully she was very kind this time which helped ease some of my fears about the journeys to come with her as my primary Dr. She asked how I was, and I told her great. She asked how I was feeling and I giggled and told her gravity was NOT my friend. She was very happy to see how beautifully I was healing. The swelling was under control, the bruising was at a normal level, and my right drain was ready to come out..but I will get to that in a minute. Because I am so thin I had no fat between my skin and my breast tissue. Having had all breast tissue removed means my skin was left incredibly thin. In a few spots it is like tissue papper and you can actually see through it to all the red capillaries in my muscle that sit just beneath the surface. Because of this we have to be very careful, and go through expansion slowly, and maybe even push it back a bit, which I am ok with. I don't want to rush it. My right expander has shifted over into my armpit, meaning an awkward summer and one hell of a side "foob" (foob=fake boob..I don't have boobs anymore). It will be uncomfortable as the expansion process continues on fighting with a foob in my armpit, and eventually I won't be able to cross my right arm. But, it's only temporary. When she goes back in to swap the expanders out for implants, she will make any revisions needed, and add a band of sutures in my right armpit to help keep the implant from migrating back over into the pocket my expander has made its home. There is a huge chance that my left drain will come out this Friday. Output has decreased significantly and once it is at less than 30cc a day I can have that one removed too. After knowing the 5 seconds of sheer agony having one removed causes, I'm nervously excited. But everything you read about the hell that the JP drains are...they are all true. There is just nothing like the burning, itching, pulling, and discomfort caused by your body trying to heal around a tube that is draining fluid from the inside of your body. They are annoying, uncomfortable, add bulk to anything you wear, and the tubes are a pain to hide...and not doing so involves random stares from strangers that don't know any better. Needless to say, I'm ready and excited to have the last one gone. I go back next week to have my steri strips removed, and if my inscicion looks good, and my skin is up for it, we may start expansion. Right now it is a waiting game and we are taking it one day at a time.

I probably did too much yesterday, and I am hurting pretty badly today as a result. It was just nice to feel a bit more like myself again, if only for the day before my body pulled me back down to reality. Zach goes back to work tonight so my mom is here to stay for the next 3 days to help me with things around the house and help keep my crazy active 6 year old happy and content. Little things like reaching a cereal bowl off the shelf use a lot of determination and focus, and lifting a gallon of milk is out of the quesion. I can't open anything that twists, and even opening kitchen drawers proved to be difficult. But slowly those things won't take so much effort, and eventually I will have my strength back. I'm taking things in stride and living my life thankful for all that I have, how far I've come and will continue to take it one day at a time.

Healing

I'm trying really hard not to crumble today. Honestly I've been trying pretty hard to keep it together for the past few days. The numbness that has masked my emotions is breaking away and I'm starting to really feel.

I've always been an optimist, and no matter the situation I've always been able to push through. This is no different, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. Some hurt over less, others more, but pain and emotions are meant to be felt. Life is supposed to have its ups and downs...if it didn't we would be dead.

It's been 5 days since surgery. The pain...it is really unlike anything I've ever felt. I have always handled pain like a champ, and nothing slows me down for long. This is different. I did a lot of research leading up to the mastectomy, and read a lot of blogs. Many women described it as the most painful thing they've ever experienced. I had hoped that maybe they just didnt handle pain as well as I did. I wish I could say it has been different for me, but the pain is excruciating, and unlike anything I've ever felt. Healing has used up most of my energy and my body is trying to protest the cocktail my plastic surgeon sent me home with. I washed my hair yesterday for the first time in 5 days. It took so much effort that I spent the rest of the morning vomiting from the pain.

Today is fathers day. I have always tried my hardest to go above and beyond to make my husband feel just as amazing as he is to our miracle and I. This morning he spent it stripping my lines, emptying my drains and helping me get dressed. You don't realize how much you use your peck muscles until you have them fillet in half and a rigid piece of silicone shoved in between the pocket expanding your chest. It is an exciting ordeal to just lift yourself into the sitting position at this point. The bruising is setting in and everything from my armpits to my collarbones hurts. I cant believe that I really allowed others to make me feel bad for fearing what it would be like after surgery. Now that I am here, I had every right to be affraid.

I'm finding it to be so much more than I could have ever imagined it to be. A pain that I will remember for the rest of My life when I look into the mirror. Such a pain that will make me feel proud and strong once I've made it to the end of this road. No one picks this, nor could we have done things differently to avoid such a fate. And we most certainly don't get to give up, cancer or not, it is our job to share our story and raise awareness. We are all human, and for whatever reason, had breasts that tried to attack us. My heart goes out to all the men and women that have gone through this, and for those that will go through it in their lifetime. You are true warriors. Don't ever allow anyone to take that away from you. Own your feelings, feel your pain, take the time you need to heal and live your journey in a way that it inspires others, and fight for those that couldn't fight anymore. I will continue to try to make you all proud.

Under Construction

The following blog contains material that is graphic in nature. All photos are intended for a mature audience and are for educational purposes only.

On the morning of Tuesday June 16th, I woke up and begin cleaning up the house, just as I do every day. I took a shower and took a moment to look into the mirror, realizing that would be the last time I saw that same reflection ever again. I knew that in a few hours my life would never be the same again. I've struggled with the reality of it all and though I had gone through the motions, I still never felt like the mastectomy was really going to happen. I finished packing up my hospital bag, and before I knew it we were on our hour drive to the hospital.

I walked through the hall towards the surgical check in desk with my husbands hand in mine. Even sitting in the hospital bed after my IV was placed I felt as if I was a part of a dream. The nurses kept asking me how my anxiety level was, but honestly I felt nothing. The numbness I felt that morning was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I knew this surgery was one that would save my life in the long run, and was essential for my well being. I knew the facts, but couldn't seem to make the situation actually seem real. My Breast Surgeon came in to talk with me before hand, I remember being so happy to see her. Dr Keller has always been a huge advocate for me and I found comfort in knowing she would be there for part of the operation. I had told her of the disagreement my plastic surgeon and I had as far as my treatment plan goes.

The treatment plan that Dr Keller and I had made with my best interest at heart. The removal of my nipples. I made her promise me that she took them even though my plastic surgeon didn't agree. A bit later my plastic Surgeon came in and asked what I had decided. I had told her that I wanted to continue on with the original treatment plan of taking my nipples with the rest of my breast. She didn't agree with my decision, nor did she seem to try to understand. Breast hamartomas need breast tissue to thrive, keeping my nipple meant sparing breast tissue. I just couldn't keep something because of cosmetic reasons when their removal gave me a better chance of long term health. I wasn't going to sway my decision, I knew what was best for myself and my family. So Dr Hagarty drew her incision marks on my breasts and I was another step closer to being on the other side. They started me on an antibiotic before taking me back to help eliminate any risk of infection. My entire body started to painfully itch, they gave me some "I don't care meds" I kissed my family goodbye and I was rolled away.

The last thing I remember was laying on the operating table with the mask over my face, and my breast surgeon saying "Shes having an allergic reaction. Apparently my entire lower half was covered in hives, and it was quickly spreading. She said had it hit my abdomen or chest surgery would have been canceled. Thankfully my anesthesiologist acted fast and got everything under control.

The surgery ended up lasting almost 5 hours and went perfectly. Even when I woke up in recovery I felt as if it was all just a dream, yet it wasn't. My breasts were gone. I slept a majority of the day away and held up pretty well. It wasn't until that evening that I shed my first tears. I had really done it, my breasts were removed and replaced with tissue expanders that will slowly pave my way to the implants that I will have placed months down the road. Because I am so skinny I didn't have any fat in my chest to help separate between my muscle and the ultra thin skin. They took my muscle, fillet it down the middle creating a pocket that they placed the tissue expander within.

My plastic surgeon was able to fill them with 125 cc of fluid. In a few weeks I will begin my weekly expansion appointments. Right now I look rough, there is a lot of dimpling, wrinkles, and bruising. Because my skin is so thin you can see my drain tubes and the corners of my expanders. Looking in the mirror seems so surreal. I am under construction and this is the beginning of another journey. My chest hurts in a way that I never knew could be possible. My ribs and sternum feel like they are being crushed beneath the pressure, my chest skin feels like it is on fire, and nothing I do or take provides me with much comfort. I know this is only temporary, and the start of better things that lay ahead. For now I am trying to keep my head up and remind myself of why this was the path that was taken, and of the bright future that I will soon be a part of. There is still a bumpy road ahead of us. For now, I am taking it one day at a time.

Numbness

Numbness. How do you turn it off?? Is there a way to make yourself feel? Or is it that you're at such peace that the absence of emotions is perhaps the strongest thing you've ever felt. How do you know if you're at peace, or if you're simply numb?

Tomorrow is the mastectomy. The day is finally here and I still feel like it isn't going to happen. I can't seem to make it seem real. I spent all of today preparing. I have my entire house cleaned, laundry done, sheets cleaned, and everything in its place. Our bags packed and everything is ready to go. I even know what I'm wearing to the hospital tomorrow. Yet I don't feel as if any of this is happening. I don't know why that is.

We have kept ourselves busy this past week. Occupying our minds and soaking up every bit of family time, just enjoying the simple things in life. Months ago when we learned I would be having the mastectomy, we decided that we would spend the Saturday before surgery on a "beach".

And when I say beach I don't mean the seaweed infested, warm salty pacific ocean that I grew up on. When you live in Illinois the term beach means there is sand..essentially anything that isn't a river or pool. The weather Saturday was a chilly 60 degree rainy day, but nothing was going to keep us from having our feet in the sand. I wanted nothing more than to be in my suit for what will probably be the first and last time of the summer. So, We loaded up the car, and drove 2 hours to Lake Geneva. We enjoyed a picnic lunch admiring the sandcastle we made together.

We played in the water, Buried Tegan and turned her into a mermaid, and walked around main street and stopped for icecream. The day turned out to be beautiful and mother nature stayed on our side. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

Sunday we met with Zach's parents for an amazing breakfast at a Swedish restaurant, and later met up with friends for some outdoor festivities and fireworks.

It has been the most incredible weekend, and exactly what we all needed. My heart simply overflows.

Tomorrow is surgery day. Tomorrow is it. I have had an out pour of love and support today, many texts just checking in to see how I am doing, and wishing me well for what comes next. I don't know how I feel to be honest. I don't seem to feel anything at all. But I like to think I am ready.And I hope to make you all proud!!! I am ready to see what comes next. I am ready to be on the other side and start the next chapter. I am not losing my breasts. I am giving them in exchange for longevity and health. I am giving a part of me to ensure a long healthy future with my family. I chose to be proactive and kick ass before anything has the chance to kick mine. For that reason alone I am ready. Good things are ahead and the future is so bright.

You all are about to embark on a bumpy next few weeks with me. You will see me at moments of both my best, as well as worst. When I write again, I won't be the same person that I am right now. I will never be the same again. I will have won. I will be in the next chapter. I can't wait to meet you there.

Another night closer

The days go by perfectly. Full of family, friends, love, laughter, normalcy, and optimism. In all honesty, I am doing great! I really feel great. I am happy. I am blessed. I am thankful.

The nights are what get me. I both love and hate them all the same. They are so peaceful, and calm. I enjoy having a hot cup of tea and reading the quotes that dangle from the string on the outside of my cup. Sometimes I feel as if they were written just for me. The evenings leave me time to reflect on the day and just how lucky I really am. I always smile feeling thankful for something, because no matter what, there is always something to be thankful for. My heart melts as I tuck our Tegan Marie into bed and she wraps her little arms around to give me hugs. Tonight she sang me "you are my sunshine" before kissing me goodnight. Sometimes I still can't believe she is mine. She really is my little dream. Before I know it she is sleeping and I am left alone in a quiet house with my thoughts. Our days have been busy, I've made them that way on purpose. I should be tired by the end of the day, but sleep doesn't seem to find me easily lately. I feel restless. I was up late last night thanks to the noise in my head, and let's be honest, life with a bouncing 6 year old doesn't allow for sleeping in or naps. I should be ready for bed, but I'm not. So here I am. Writing helps.

I packed my hospital bag today!!! My sister joined us for dinner tonight, and while it cooked we hung out in my room filling up my duffle and zipping it shut. I think I have everything. It contains breast comfort pillows, my breast recovery robe (contains special pockets to house the drain bulbs that will be a part of me for 1-2 weeks proceeding surgery), dry shampoo, a headband, face cleansing wipes (so I can feel refreshed), mouthwash (no dragon breath for me!), a brush, thank you cards, water bottle with a straw, the stuffed rino my sister gave me, chapstick, lotion, nipple shaped mints, and a puzzle book and deck of cards to help occupy anyone that needs a distraction from the clock. I was told it would be about 4-5 hour operation. I couldn't imagine being on the other side of this, the side with the clock. My bag is packed, zipped up and contains everything the "What to pack for your mastectomy" lists mention. Not to worry, I have clean undies packed too ;-) I have all the essentials, but to be honest, my bag is mostly just packed full of snacks for Zach and his time at the hospital with me. I want to be sure that he has something to eat beyond hospital cuisine and the "food" the vending machines have to offer. So classic of me to think of all the tiny details and everyone around me. I have lived my life constantly being told to just worry about myself. But that isn't who I am. I can't help but worry about everyone else, especially those that mean so much to me. Much of my fear surrounding next week and the weeks to come is due to my family. Zach and Tegan. I know I will be ok, but I need to know that they will be ok to. I don't want Tegan to cry for me when I have to be away, I don't want Zach to feel anxious and fear my pain. I live my life for them, I am doing this for them, and I know this is going to change them just as it will change me. I wish this didn't have to change them. I hope to make them proud. I will fight and do everything in my power to ensure this is as easy of a transition for them that I can. I plan to have the house cleaned up nicely, all laundry done, fresh sheet on the beds, and everything organized and in it's place. I even have a deep freezer containing 17 freezer meals I prepared for the occasion so they don't have to worry about cooking. And now I have a hospital bag full of snacks. haha. The lists in my mind seem never ending. Perhaps that is why I can't sleep. I am as prepared as I physically can be. I guess one would say that I am ready, and I am in a sense. On the other hand I am not ready at all. I just keep reminding myself that in 6 days, I will be on the road to recovery and can finally be on the way to rebuilding. This has been part of our lives for the past year now, and we will finally be able to move onto the next step. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon the fear will be gone. It will be real. I will be living it and striving with all I have to push through the speed bumps gracefully with the finish line in sight. We are getting there. One day at a time. "Sometimes what you're most afraid of, is the very thing that will set you free". I am ready to be free.

Emotional Battles

We all struggle with deep Emotional Battles. Sometimes we find ourselves fighting internally with how we wish we felt and how we actually feel. Quite often I over think things, I wish I could turn my minds overdrive function off. It isn't anything new for me to become upset with myself for feeling, for actually feeling. Happiness is my go to, and I feel it deeply, and become annoyed when other emotions creep into my mind and put a temporary mask over my happiness. I suppose all emotions are needed to really survive in this world, to feel both alive and really appreciate all that life is. Fear is my least favorite of them all. It is one that surrounds us daily, that takes a lot of effort and internal fight to push aside and remind ourselves that everything will be ok. Because it will, one day, somehow, everything will be ok and work out in the way it was intended to. I used to think fear was a sign of weakness, but it quite the opposite. "It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really really brave."

I now have less than a week until surgery. At this time next week I will be just hours post op laying in the hospital bed without the breasts I was so excited to finally acquire in middle school. But it isn't about saving the breasts, it is about saving the women. This journey will bring me to a bright future full of health and many years of happiness, that I know to be true. But how do I take it in and stop feeling as if this is all a dream. I still find myself doing breast exams in the shower, as if that will change anything. Next week they will be gone. I was gifted with some beautiful prints of my boudoir shoot that are now hanging in my room below a sign that says "Faith". I have walked by the photos a number of times in the days I have had them. I stop and look at them often and and have a hard time realizing they are me, and the reason behind why I took them. I see them and know that soon, when I look them, I won't be the same girl that is in the photos. I will be different, and changed both physically and mentally. I will never be that same girl again. I am confident that I will come out better than her in the end. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit afraid.

This past weekend many of my closest friends and family gathered together for a farewell party for the "girls". Complete with nipple cookies, Mamo-grahms and boob cupcakes and bra lined fences. I was filled with a lot of anxiety leading up to this particular day. I was nervous about how it would go.

In situations where life hands you a crappy card, others become sympathetic, and sometimes overly so. It is in our human nature to console others and show compassion. I didn't want the attention on me, or the overly sympathetic hugs followed by the "I'm sorry's". I didn't want to be "that girl", because I am not. I am not losing, I am winning and such battles deserve happiness and celebration.

Life has been amazing, and I am thankful for each and every day. Our little is out on summer break meaning a little extra bit of sunshine fill my days. Her smile has a way of making me forget about the rest of the world. We have been filling our days to the max with little adventures, projects, and visits with friends and family. I'm trying to make up for the days of pain and recovery that are ahead. This morning I was able to go on a run for the first time in 6 weeks (due to having a hysterectomy). It felt soo amazing to be back out there pounding my emotions into the pavement. I have greatly missed my personal prozac and plan to cherish every second I have until I have to give it up again next week.

Tegan even asked if she could go for a small run with me so her and I set out and she made it .67 miles. Being out there with her by my side was probably the highlight of my day, well that and the iced coffee my husband made me <3 The rest of our week is pretty busy, actually every day leading up to my surgery has some plan or another. While I am excited my mind will be kept occupied, I am also aware that keeping so busy makes time seem to go by faster. I am not sure how I feel about that. I am ready to be on the other side of this, and to be living it rather than anticipating it but at the same time, I am starting to feel afraid. Not just for me, but for my family. I hate knowing that I will need them to help me through my daily life during the early days. Things like buckling my seat belt, opening the fridge, washing my hair, or even pulling my own pants up. I hate when the line between lovers and care taker has to cross. I know our vows said for better or worse, but I wish I didn't have to need Zach in that sort of way. I wonder how they will look at me after this is all said and done? How will I look at myself? Will my husband still want to come up behind me and cup my breasts while kissing my neck when I am doing dishes? Because I love it when he does that. Will he still see me in the same light and find me sexually attractive once that part of me is missing? I have so many questions, and I can't get them to stop

My hospital admittance packet arrived the other day, and I have my bag setting out, partially packed. I can't bring myself to finish packing it up just yet. I have looked up lists upon lists on what to take, and still it sets in my closet. The days are going by quickly and Tuesday will be here before I know it. I have never been one to procrastinate, but this is different for me. I do know one thing though, I will be taking my nipple shaped mints along! I can't wait to ask one of my nurses if she would like to have one of my nipples! haha. I am sure I will be higher than a kite on pain meds when I do..and perhaps everyone in the room will find me a complete nutcase..and not find the humor in it the same way I do given the situation, but in my mind it seems like a fun way to lighten the mood up a bit. I plan to make the best of this that I can, even on my worst days. I know there are some to come. Please bear with me while I'm under construction. Sometimes the road has to get bumpy before it is able to be smoothed out again. I will get there, one emotional battle at a time.

Choices

Life is full of choices. We make an infinite number of choices in our lifetimes, and each one, large or small directly effects our future in one way or another. Sometimes life throws curve balls our way and things happen that we had no way of avoiding. But Even things beyond our control are effected by the way we chose to deal with them. How do you know when the choice you make is the right one? What happens when you have to make a decision and can see both sides and you are left unsure on how to proceed? What do you do? How do you deal with uncertainty? How do you know what path to walk down and which choice is the best one??

This morning we met with my plastic surgeon for my pre op appointment. I walked into the office feeling confident and excited for Zach to meet her. I had a clear vision as to how my next weeks would be and what my surgery would entail. I had come to terms with everything and have been doing wonderfully given the circumstances. That is until I sat there in the room speaking with my plastics dr. Now I feel overwhelmed, confused and completely torn.

When I had met with my breast surgeon four weeks ago, we discussed my history, my options and both came to the conclusion that a complete bilateral mastectomy would give me the best chance of ridding myself from this nightmare of repeat hamartomas, pain and more surgeries. In doing so my 85% breast cancer risk would be removed along with them. Keeping my nipples means keeping a tiny layer of breast tissue, keeping breast tissue allows room for the development for more hamartomas, after all they are formed when normal cells grow in a disorganized way. The chances of developing Hamartomas withing that thin layer is unknown but there is potential of another one forming if any breast tissue is left behind. My incidence rate has been 4 within a 10 month span, one of which was just above my right nipple. When I told my plastic surgeon this morning that we had opted against nipple sparing, I immediately felt persecuted for the choice my breast surgeon and I had made. I was continually reminded that I don't have cancer, and that even a large number of breast cancer patients are opting for nipple sparing mastectomies now more than ever. She told me that being so aggressive was like "throwing the baby out with the bath water" and wasn't necessary, and that there would only be about a 5% risk should I decide to keep my nipples. While 5% may seem like nothing to some, I reminded myself that I am one that makes up the 5.7% of women with breast hamartomas. My Plastics dr went on and on advocating for my nipples, asking me to consider fighting for them and keeping them. I told her about my history and the reasons my surgeon and I had arrived and the decision we had. I felt that because I don't have cancer, that being aggressive against a disease beyond my control, that little is known about seemed completely irrational. I am ready to have this chapter of my life end so that I can move on and work on rebuilding. I was reminded that nipples are a part of who we are, and that removing them can and will negatively effect my mental well being for some time and mental recovery is longer for patients that have their nipples removed than for those that keep them. I was told that by sparing them I would be able to connect with my "foobs" on a different level and feel that they are more a part of me than they would otherwise. So here I am torn, and with a choice to make. A choice that I am struggling to make. I don't know where to go from here and I only have 2 weeks left to decide.

My Plastic Surgeon has my mental well being and my appearance at the top of her priority list. She has seen women on both sides of the spectrum. Then I have my Breast surgeon, the dr that saw me last june for my very first hamartoma, the surgeon that has cared for me and for the past year, she is the one that did my first, second, and third lumpectomy, and diagnosed me with my 4th hamartoma and came to conclusion of my needing the mastectomy in the first place. Who do I listen to? Ultimately it is my choice..but what choice is the right one?

I currently feel as though I have ticking time bombs strapped to my chest. It is ideally only a matter of time before another hamartoma develops, and with each new one there is a risk of it either containing malignant cells, or turning malignant over time. To me, sparing my nipples feels comparable to having a bomb that you have only cut one wire from..it may never go off now, but there is no way of knowing for sure and the chance for detonation is still there. Is that a chance one should take if there is an option for complete bomb removal eliminating the risk of detonation all together?

I don't personally see myself as losing my nipples anymore, but rather giving them, in exchange for a long healthy life free of uncertainty, risks thus eliminating the potential for having to have them removed years down the road. I rather be proactive, then end up having to be reactive over time because of something that serves no purpose beyond cosmetic values. But there is a chance of keeping my nipples and never having another issue and I could go on through life just fine...but is that a risk I should take? This isn't a fair choice to have to make, nor is feeling guilty and being told that your nipples deserve a chance. For the first time in weeks I am feeling lost and numb again and I don't know where to go from here, what choice is the right one?

I know when I wake up and look in the mirror for the first time it won't be easy. My husband is fearful of me losing my nipples because of my long history surrounding my body image. But this is far from fighting eating disorders and compulsive thoughts, and I am not the same person I was years ago. I have come a long way and worked hard to embrace myself for all that I am and to love myself even for my flaws. I will have to adjust and adapt and grow to love my new body that is true, but will having or not having nipples change that? While it will be a long road of mental healing, I will also know that I will no longer have to look at my chest and feel disconnected and full of fear and wonder. Would I still struggle to connect with my new chest if my nipples are left intact? And if I decide to have my nipples taken and I have hard days and crumble will it be blamed on my choice to have my nipples removed causing others to think "I told you so"? I have never been on the other side of the fence but I was ready to be there..I was nervously excited to be there and finally feel free and now I am left completely unsure. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?? Do you leave something such as your nipples for cosmetic reasons because you were told it would help you feel better about yourself when looking into a mirror, they would give you the chance of feeling full, thus leaving a tiny window of risk that could potentially lead to more surgeries? Or do you make a clean break, remove the risks and learn how to rebuild and feel whole again without them?

Life is all about choices..and I am unsure on which choice is the right one to make. I do know, that no matter what, my life is about to change forever.

A trip down memory lane

Ever have silly little moments in your life that brighten your day during that given time but quickly fade away and you forget all about them? Then for one reason or another years down the road the memory pops back into your head. Often triggered by a life event, and it makes your heart happy that you had it locked away in some compartment in your brain waiting for a deeper meaning. Thus furthering the idea that everything, big or small, happens for a reason.

With "D day" (the name I've given for the removal of my tiny 32 D's) quickly approching I've been doing a lot of reflecting. Looking back on all the memories surrounding "the girls", and laughing at just how many there actually are. Most completely random, some embarassing, some I so badly wish I could share (but my parents read this blog haha) and others, like breast feeding our daughter, are deeply cherished.

One particular memory that I had completely forgotten all about hit me the other day and brought tears to my eyes. It is the story of my boobs, and the "life changing" event of my very first Victoria secrets bra. Seems completely silly right?! A wonderful friend of mine, Mrs Ivy Moullet, convinced me that my newly aquired mom boobs needed some extra support, such a support that the bras I had been wearing just weren't giving me. Zach and I with our 2 year old in tow, met her for lunch on Valentines day so she didn't have to spend it alone while her other half was working. After meeting at Olive Garden, I made a comment on her always perfectly perfect perky set. Though she had never had a baby, she told me all about the miracles of a Victoria's secret bra!! Zach not having gotten me anything as a gift yet, was convinced by Ivy that a bra from there would be the perfect thing. So the 4 of us hopped in our car and drove across town to VS where I was fitted and made the purchase. Needless to say it has been 4 years now and I haven't owned anything since. In 2011 after a shopping spree at Victoria's Secrets, I gave her hell for starting such an addiction. Her response is something I will always love and cherish in a completely new and different way.

"Once upon a time there was a woman named Kristy. She lived in a village far far away and considered her bust to be less-than-perfect. She was sure that there was no device in this world that could make them look how they did prior to birthing her beloved daughter. Then, her long lost friend, Ivy told her about the Victoria's Secret bras, which supposedly could make everything look bigger, better, perkier, and out-of-this-world-good. Kristy did not want to believe it. "It must be a lie, a Satan's device!" she said. Then, Valentine's Day of 2011, Ivy dragged Kristy, kicking and screaming, into a Victoria's Secret store. After trying on a couple of brassieres, Kristy couldn't believe her eyes. "It's MAGIC!" she exclaimed. "But why oh why would I pay $50 for one when I could get 5 for that price at Walmart!" Ivy decided to step in and force Kristy's lover into buying the magical device for his precious wife. From that point on, a fairytale love affair started between Kristy and Victoria's Secret bras that would withstand any trials or tribulations. She just couldn't get enough!! Looking through the catalog, she wanted all of them! And one by one, her collection grew. Walmart bras were a thing of the past, slayed like a dragon. And Kristy and her Victoria's Secret bras lived happily ever after, all thanks to the little good witch Ivy, who had approached her with her guidance concerning perkiness of breasts. The End."

I had forgotten ALL about this random response and the other day, as I put on my favorite bra thinking about having to part with it here in a couple weeks, it popped into my head. I said something to her about it which triggered a hunt through our facebook interactions over the years to find it. The story will now spend it's days sitting in a frame on my dresser. <3

Any women would agree that there is just nothing like a good bra. And let's be honest, We all have our favorite. I am a bit sad to part with my simple grey, lacey razor back favorite. I also look forward to the day of being able to be at the end of this journey, and go get fitted again and find my next favorite. It will be just as much of a surprise as it was on that day all those years ago. Most people don't realize that with a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery, you don't get to pick your ending cup size, your breasts aren't even measured in cup sizes but rather cc's. After my breasts are removed, I will go through a long journey of tissue expansion, slowly stretching my chest wall and skin to make room for the implants I will receive months down the road. My ending size will depend on what my body can tolerate, how well my chest stretches, and what will leave my "foobs"(fake boobs) with the least amount of dimpling, wrinkling, etc. I don't know what I will look like at the end of this journey, which is both nerve wrecking and exciting. I do know, it will be a day full of emotion and triumph, because I will have made it. I am going to make it.