Decisions

"Decision:the act or process of deciding; determination, as of a question or doubt, by making a judgment." The course of our lives is constantly decided by the decisions we make. Some are harder to make than others.

This past year has been one full of the biggest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. The choice to fight for myself, the choice ignore my fears and continue with the mastcectomy. The choice to cut my future risk by parting with my nipples. The choice to leave myself transparent and share my story in hopes to help another feel less alone. While emotionally difficult, these choices were all no brainers for me. It isn't about saving the tatas, it is about saving the women and I knew I wanted a healthy future with my family more than I wanted the alternative. My breasts.

I am now 11 weeks post exchange and doing great. I am slowly increasing my activity and while it leaves my muscles sore and tired, it is nice to be getting back to "normal". I LOVE my job and have been working a lot in between enjoying the holidays with my family and closest friends.

Life has been busy and I allowed it to become an excuse to ignore the things I should have been dealing with. I have completely shut myself off from my journey these past few weeks. While it isn't over, it was nice to just live. There are still decisions that need to be made. Weighing my options left me torn, anxious and full of fear. So rather than dealing with my emotions, I shut off. The numbness seems to be my go to. Probably not the most admirable, or smartest thing to do, but it gets me by at times. Truthfully, putting off decisions won't free you from having to make them. Eventually time runs short and you have to make that decision. I can confidently say that after many tears and much debate, I have made mine.

It is no secret that I have struggled through trying to figure out where to go from here. The topic of lipofill and nipples have been ones in question for a while now. As I talked to Zach the other night it finally dawned on me. I had been letting fear cloud my vision. The fear of gaining weight, and how I will feel about my reflection during the process combined with the fear of my eating disorder creeping back up was keeping me from opting against something that could better me. While I'm affraid of the mental battle the weight gain, and lipofill may be, I know for a fact that in 10 years from now I would regret not doing it. When I see my reflection now I see my foobs as incomplete, full of imperfections and damaged so to speak. I do not feel confident topless, not even when it is just me alone with the mirror. As a women that is something important to have. I realized that depriving myself of a finished product for the sole purpose of being affraid of gaining weight may prove that I'm still fighting that fight. This realization allowed me to make my decision. I need to remember that I will be gaining weight for a purpose and it won't be my forever. I've been striving to get back to where I was, when really I should be striving to get through this. I will have a new beginning when all is said and done. A beautiful, healthy, clean slate. All mine for the taking. No matter how hard I try I will never be back to where I was. I am a different person, and I will be better than ever before. All these racing thoughts have allowed me to decide that I will not allow fear to cause me to tap out early. I will continue this journey until the very end. I will gain weight, and do the fat harvest and lipofill. After everything, I owe it to myself to feel confident, proud and see my reflection as nostalgic and beautiful. I will finish my completed chest off with 3d tattooed nipples. I have opted against the nipple reconstruction, but feel the tattoos will be the cherry on top I need. A way of closing this chapter and a symbol of my new begining. I can't wait to live that day.

Fear

They say your past shapes your future. You either learn from it, or grow from it and it constantly shapes the person you will become tomorrow. Parts of it you wish you could forget, while others remain timeless memories to cherish always. By definition past means "gone by in time and no longer existing". Our past is behind us, unable to be changed. But what happens when situations, in combination with the knowledge of the past, envokes fear. Fear that obstacles we once overcame have the possibility to resurrface, and battles we once won become new fights to fight?? Anything is possible. Does such a realization give you a head start or an advantage? Or does this fear cripple you and keep you from making decisions that have the potential to better you in some way, shape or form?

Truth is, I'm scared. This journey has been more than imagined. And while I've made it through all the lumpectomies, mammograms, diagnostics, mastectomy, tissue expansion and breast reconstruction, the fear remains. But this time it's for an entirely different reason. I made it through the worst parts, and while I was scared, I was never undecided on which road to take. I continued onward looking towards that finish line. I knew what needed done, I knew my future depended on it, and I knew I could make it. And I did!!! I am bulletproof. Or am I?

Lately I've been wearing a strong face, laughing through my fears and suffering in silence. I've written this blog many times over in my head, unable to put it into writing for the world to see. I've been transparent and open up until now. Why shut down now?! I am not alone and neither are you. No one should suffer alone, and no one should allow themselves to.

Last week I saw my plastic surgeon to address what turned out to be absesses along my suture line. My body gave up on trying to absorb my stitches and decided pushing them out would be a better idea. Except they had no way out, and instead festered. After 20 minutes of digging, squeezing, and pulling what looked like fishing line out of insicion, I was thankful for my lack of sensation. Aside from this little hiccup thing one and two are healing up nicely.

I've reached a fork in the road and must decide which road to take as I continue into the next steps of my journey. I've always been very confident in my choices and generally know exactly what I want. When trying to come to a conclusion I've always been great at doing research, and weighing my options. But what happens when there is no right or wrong answer?

My skin is thin. This is something of a concern that I'm reminded of at every appointment. It was the reason my inscions healed slowly after the mastectomy and it is now the reason you can see every ripple in my implant,and every differentiation between the implant, alloderm and my muscle. My plastic surgeon has recommended I gain weight so we can harvest fat and lipofill away the imperfections. This is a procedure that is often done on small frammed mastectomy patients. I've done the research and the results leave beautiful, more natural looking "breasts". I struggle with this idea for many reasons and am torn on so many levels.

I've been avoiding making a decision by ignoring the reality all together. When I begin to weigh my options I'm overtaken with anxiety, fear, and even emabrassement. Such a procedure means another road, and another surgery. Truthfully I am ready to be done. I am angry with myself for being a baby while others are fighting bigger fights. I've already won the biggest leg of the race. I wonder if these ideas of wanting to be done could hinder me from continuing onward and achieving a physical appearance that I could look in the mirror and be happy about. At this point in my life I struggle with this a bit. My body has changed a lot in the past year and I'm adjusting. My confidence currently corresponds to whether or not I'm wearing a bra. Is this something I want to feel forever? Will I learn to rock the ripples and become ok with them and the imperfections showing through my skin? Or do I fight for the perfection that my surgeon wants to give?? After everything, do I owe it to myself to get to a point where I am able to love the new foobs? Or do I throw in the towel and learn to love what I currently have just because I want to be done? You can see how my mind has me running in circles. Neither choice is wrong or right, and it is a choice that only I can make. I wish it was a decision I could make.

Truthfully, the idea of gaining weight frightens me. I have struggled my entire life with eating disorders. And while you can overcome and take control of such a mental health disease, it doesn't ever fully go away. It is a lifetime battle of being stronger than the small voices inside your head. About 3 years ago I had a relapse. I had gained weight from the infertility treatments of trying to conceive another baby, and I stumbled..hard. Stress was put on my marriage, and I ended up in counseling and was taking 40mg of Prozac a day. I was finally able to take hold and began my road to recovery. I will never forget the day I shattered my scale on my back porch with tears streaming down my face. I was able to stop taking prozac, began running again, ate healthy and was committed to making strong my new skinny. I fought hard and lost weight the healthy way. When I reached my goal I celebrated by getting this tattoo. What looks like an abstract peacock feather to the world, is deep and powerful to me. The black portion of the "eye" is the NEDA symbol, and the quick of the feather that runs down my spine reads "to thrive in the face of suffering".

For the first time in my life I felt confident in my skin. I worked so hard to get there. To be healthy, and strong both mentally and physically. I stopped being ashamed of my body and embraced it with confidence. This is the same confidence that allowed me to run through Chicago in my underwear for the children's tumor foundation. Being surrounded by men and women of all ages, and body types, putting all insecurities aside for charity is a feeling I won't soon forget.

I have remained confident through all the changes and have overcome many obstacles this year. But I admit, I fear gaining weight. I am affraid of falling back into old habits. I am not sure I am strong enough to start over again. But at least I am at a point where I am able to admit to such. I like to think that alone puts me two steps ahead in the right direction.

Perfecting the softies

Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks since the exchange surgery. The insicions are GORGEOUS and healing better than I could have imagined. In time you'll hardly see the scars at all. At times I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that these new things are MINE!!! Through the expansion process there was a temporary mindset. I knew they were part of a process and were paving the way to something else, they weren't mine and my time with them had an ending. They were preparing me for something permanent, something bigger. (Pun intended!)

Last week I sat sat topless in one of the cold office rooms that have become too familiar to me. This time was different than the times before. The excitement of expansion had ended and my usual bubbly self had been replaced with a nauseated version full of anxiety. I knew I would be seeing my surgeon to check on my progress and the dreaded topic of nipples was one that would soon be discused; I didn't feel ready. Thankfully I had my husband by my side giving me all the support I would need.

Dr Hagarty carefully looked over thing one and thing two in their new soft form and was both concerned and worried about the current state of my implants. My thin skin and tiny frame is allowing imperfections to show and the differentiation between the implant and the alloderm has produced a noticeable ridge leaving my gorgeous implants looking strange and unnatural. I have begun physical therapy which involves 20 minutes of rigorous massaging three times a day to try to loosen the band of muscle enough to stop it from pulling. We hope that this will help eliminate some of the imperfections. If this doesn't work my next step is to gain weight so we can harvest fat and prepare for a fat transfer to fill in the gaps. This is a practice that is being done by many plastic surgeons across the country to help give a more natural look and feel to women post mastectomy.

I've been doing my very best to heal this time around sat my stubbornness aside taking it very easy and being cautious. I was very disappointed to learn that somehow I have managed to pop a stitch from the under portion of my left implant taking away from some of the gorgeous contour work that she had done. Aside from that, my muscles are tight and trying to protest my new foreign objects. Thing one is trying to drop and migrate outwards towards my armpit, and the missing stitch makes this fear a real possibility. She ordered me to begin wearing a very good extreme push up bra. This will force the implants to stay up and together hopefully causing them to heal in such a position. Zach was so sweet demanding we head straight to get one. He was patient as we walked circles around Victoria secrets grabbing every push up bra in the store for me to try on. The girl working the fitting room was so kind and acconodating while helping me find the perfect support and fit while. Meanwhile Zach picked out colors trying to add fun to the situation. I stood in the mirror for a bit staring at my reflection feeling akward and overly busty for my small frame. I had gone from nothing to this over a span of months and found myself feeling more self conscious than ever. The topic of nipples is One that has been placed on hold for a while. Our main focus at this time is to heal correctly and work on perfecting the softies. I admit, I'm a bit relieved to have been given more time to think about such a life changing decision.

Where do I go from here?!

Decisions. Our lives are shaped by them. They come in many forms, and while some are miniscule, others completely change the paths of our current existence. Who we are, and where we will go from here are all hinging on the decisions we make.

I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I never thought twice when it came to the idea of having the mastectomy. I had the facts, I knew my odds, and I was over the bi-monthly dissection of the lumpectomies that had become both repetitive and predictable. Some choices just come as no brainers. I felt the same when the topic of removing my nipples was debated between my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon. Ones goal was my longevity and health while the other wanted the prettiest picture at the end. I opted to cut my risks completely by removing the last part of my chest that would allow me to view it as my own even once my breast tissue was gone. I made an educated decision based on facts. I knew no matter what choice I made, I would never be the same again. Keeping my nipples wouldn't have changed that.

Here I am months later having recently shed more tears over nipples than I can count. Though not for the reasons you would guess. I'm on the other side; I made it through the most painful journey I've ever faced. I got through the mastectomy, I'm finished with the expansion and reconstruction process and I finally have my soft new implants. Life is resuming back to normal and I'm finally at a point where I can just live and put it all behind me. Or am I?!

During my one week post op my PS asked me if I had any questions concerning nipple reconstruction. I told her that I didn't think it was a procedure I wanted to have. She reminded me that I am young and told me I owed it to myself to at least think about it. She justified her suggestion by saying that currently it is as if I have a head without a face, or eyes without eyebrows. Essentially, my foobs do not and never will look like boobs without nipples. And perhaps she is right. Before the mastectomy I was hell bent against going through nipple reconstruction. Another procedure all for the sole purpose of nipples seemed so silly and unnecessary to me. The foobs will never be boobs to me with or without nipples. Said nipples will never be mine, they will never have feeling, react to hot or cold, nor will they serve any purpose beyond cosmetics reasons. I confided in a wonderful friend of mine who has been going through her own mastectomy journey during the same time as my own, and she had explained the idea as placing the cherry on top. I loved her analogy, and it really got me thinking. Honestly it's all I've been able to think about these past two weeks. I've never been so undecided in my life. I'm usually pretty strong willed and quite often I know what I want and if I don't I turn to facts and statistics to aide in my decisions. I've never felt this way before and the uncertainty has left me completely torn, full of anxiety and I have found myself crying more often then not. Truth is, I don't know what I want aside from having this all behind me. Sometimes I wonder how I am really hidding in the bathroom at the age of 27 crying while I try to decide if nipples are necessary to me. I've never cared much for cherries on top of my sundaes anyhow. Do I need a cherry this time? Do I owe it to myself? I often wonder if my anti nipple reconstruction is a result of me actually being content without them, or if I've been telling myself I don't need them because I'm ready to be done with this chapter of my life. Without them I am already done. I'm healing, I'm back to work, I made it and the rest is history. Nipples signify another step, another procedure and a couple more miles in my race. Do I push on a bit longer to put that cherry on top?? I can't help but feel as if Im being completely selfish by not considering such an option for my husband. During one of my meltdowns I asked him for his opinion and he kindly told me that the foobs don't have any sexual appeal in their nippleless state. He continued to say that I've already sacrificed so much of myself for my health and family that it would be selfish of him to suggest such a procedure. While I value his opinion and am thankful for his honesty, I can't help but wonder if he would see me differently if I had them, and maybe I would see myself differently too?? I feel that perhaps being against the idea is not only selfish of me but maybe even cowardly for opting against such a thing because I'm mentally and emotionally tapped out and over the process. As a wife however, I feel I owe it to my husband to consider the idea. How can a decision really be this hard? I've grown attached to thing one and thing two and have found a particular beauty in them even though they lack the very thing that will complete them. What if I go through with the procedure and am left unhappy with them taking this image of beauty away?? No matter which way I choose it is a decision that I will have to live with for the rest of my exsistsnce, and I'm affraid to make the wrong one.

I meet with my plastic surgeon for my 3 week follow up this coming Tuesday. I've decided that I will go into the appointment with an open mind. I will have my husband by my side and together we will ask questions and gain knowledge to aide is in making an educated decision, rather than one fuled by emotion and fear. I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% certain of which option is best for me, but I hope to soon have a bit more of an idea of where to go from here.

I'm almost there

This morning started out a bit rough. I had cut back my pain meds thinking I was doing better and didn't need them as often. I was proved wrong when my alarm went off this morning and I tried to sit up. Perhaps my pain meds had actually helped more than I had thought they did. Needless to say, I am taking them again. I met with my plastic surgeon for my post op assessment this morning. Tomorrow will mark the end of my first week with my new soft foobies. I have to admit, I keep touching my new cleavage line. I'm completely amazed at how natural it feels. I had gotten so used to the grand canyon sized valley that separated thing one and thing two that having cleavage at all is exciting.

The girls have come a long way in the past 17 weeks. After the mastectomy my chest was actually sunken in. My sternum potruded out which only emphasized how hollow my chest had become. I was stripped of every last bit of breast tissue which actually extends up towards your collar bones, a lot higher than your breasts themselves. It isn't until you have a mastectomy that you learn just how much of your upper torso is breast tissue. While I never had a big bust to begin with, the change still came as a bit of a shock. Eventually I adjusted and became used to my new, ever changing body. It wasn't long before I had nick named the foobs and began cracking jokes about them often refering to them as "my new bar tricks". I was always proud to talk about the process and show them to others, strangers or not. How will awareness ever be raised in a society that is so quiet when it comes to such an issue?! A woman is still beautiful after a mastectomy. Breasts don't make a women who she is, and a mastectomy shouldn't leave her viewed as damanged, broken or less of a woman.

Over the weeks I slowly went through expansion, watching my body change with every fill and eventually I was so full my chest had become rock solid and uncomfortable. Having nice new memory gel implants are a nice change. They are just so soft! Dr Hagarty noticed that I still have quite a bit of swelling and what looks like a small blood pocket on the right side, which is normal for the amount of work that took place. She explained a bit more of what she did during my exchange and explained why I have the level of pain I am feeling. She said usually the exhange surgery is a lot easier, and recovery isn't too painful. Except my exchange came with a lot of revision which is making my recovery a bit more than I anticipated. Usually it is a quick swap, out with the old and in with the new sort of thing. My right side needed to be moved up over to create an even, natural looking appearance. Women don't normally have one breast in front and the other hanging out over in their armpit haha. These revisions involved a lot of internal suture work to my pec muscles. She wanted to be sure to provide me with the best symmetry she could. She also explained that younger women have a harder time with pain during this recovery because our nerves are more active and fire at a faster rate allowing us to feel more pain. Interesting!!!

Aside from the pain and swelling I am healing beautifully. Dr Hagarty is very pleased with her newest works of art. I caught my nurse staring at them while I sat there topless. She nodded, smiled, and told me that they look great. This is the same nurse that had sent me home in tears without expansion, week after week because my skin was so thin and my body had a hard time healing. It made us all smile to look back and reflect on the journey and how far they have come in the past few months, and just how far I have come. I have grown very attached to everyone in the office. They have all impacted my life in more ways than they will ever know.

I have been given the ok to return back to work next week. I am to mind my 5lb weight limit and stay away from any pushing/pulling/reaching motions as these can damage my healing muscles and tear the very suture lines that are holding my implants in place. Because of the swelling I have to continue to bind myself in the ace bandage over my underwire bra for another week. I will continue to wear an underwire bra 24/7 and follow my list of restrictions for the next 5 weeks until the capsule is fully formed around the implant providing it with the support it needs. I will meet with Dr Hagarty again in 2 weeks to check on my progress. I'm almost there.

On the other side

The numbness found me again in the days leading up to my exchange surgery. I found myself crying randomly through out the days leading up to the opperation. I couldn't believe the time was finally here. I was really almost done and such a milestone left me overwhelmed, thankful, and anxious. This was a surgery that I thought of all through out my mastectomy recovery and expansion process. It marks the end of a lengthy yet challenging race. I was about to cross the finish line; I made it, yet felt numb and couldn't believe it. There are still moments where it is hard to take in the fact that all of this really happened. My mastectomy to my exchange surgery took 17 weeks. In the grand scheme of things 17 weeks is nothing, but a small portion of my life. While living in the moment it felt like my forever.

I underestimated this one. I was oblivious and assumed that having made it through the mastectomy that nothing would ever compare to the pain I experienced with the initial removal of my breasts and placement of those rigid terribly uncomfortable Expanders. I had it in my head that I would have instant releif as soon as those over filled rocks had been removed and replaced with soft new implants. I wish my assumptions had been true.

Over the course of the expansion process my right expander had torn through the suture wall allowing it to drop and shift over into a nice pocket in my armpit. Not only had it moved but the expander itself had rotated. A majority of this was my fault as I did too much too soon while recovering from the mastectomy. Lifting myself up out of bed was the biggest culprit. But how else do you sit up from the laying position?? I suppose I should have asked for help more than I did. Lesson learned.

Before taking me down to the opperating room my plastic surgeon came in to asses the foobs and see what kinds of revisions needed to be made to give me the best chance at nice symectric and natural looking foobs. She made her marks explaining that I would need a thick band of sutures anchored into my peck muscle to keep my implant from shifting over into the cozy home my expander lived in benethe my armpit. To keep the implants from dropping too low I also needed thick suture lines beneath each implant. All this revision turned my surgery into one that required an hour longer than scheduled. I can't imagine how my family must have felt when they were told the exchange wouldn't take longer than an hour and a half. Two and a half hours later I was finally in recovery.

The pain is a lot more than I imagined it to be. Due to all the added work on my right side standing up is proving to be painful. The pain radiates down my side, and up into my shoulder. Finding comfort has been difficult and sleeping has been a challenge but I'm trying my hardest to push through. I remember being in a similar place 17 weeks ago, only this time I will be extra cautious and do nothing beyond resting so that I can heal properly. I can't always be super women, I have learned that through out this journey a number of times. My surgeon went in through my mastectomy scars so that I wasn't given any additional marks on my chest. She said I had enough scars and tattoos, that I didn't need anymore. While I am unsure on the tattoo comment, I was pleased that I wouldn't be gaining any new battle wounds. I don't know how many cc's my implants are, but I was told that she put in implants that are actually larger than my expanders were. This blew my mind!! Due to the soft texture, movability and more natural shape of the implant you would never guess them to be larger than those terrible rocks I had been toting around. By the end of expansion they looked awkward and felt like over inflated volleyballs. They were uncomfortable, terribly akward and always sore. I am ecstatic to be free of them.

Yesterday I woke up excited to take a shower and get a glimpse of the newbies. I was instructed to wear a good fitting underwire bra 24/7 for the first 6 weeks while binding myself with an ace bandage over top. The underwire helps keep the implants sitting in the right place as they heal. Dr Hagarty told me that I should be about a 32d, which just so happens to be the same size I was before the mastectomy. I was excited to replace the granny looking expansion bras with my old grey lacey backed favorite. I laughed as I put on my bra and found that it didn't cover much. Definatly nothing like the pre mastectomy 32d's I had!!!

A perfectly fitting bra was very strongly advised as it is essential to my recovery. Clearly this bra isn't quite doing the trick. While I do still have some swelling I am going to get sized today and pick up a full coverage bra that offers a lot of great support and comfort to get me through the healing.

I cried a bit the first time I saw them. I wish I could fully explain the emotions I felt, but no words come close. They aren't too pretty just yet and have a lot of healing to go but they are mine. No more expanders, no more fills. These are my implants and the very things that I will spend the rest of my days with. I was told that over time the wrinkling, Puckering and indents will smooth out and disappear and eventually they will have a more natural appearance. My surgeon told me all I had left now was to go through one more surgery to get nipples. I wonder how she will react when I tell her that I'm opting against such a surgery. I remember crumbling the day I learned I would be losing my nipples. I hid in the bathroom crying hysterically unable to believe what was to come. Not having nipples didn't effect me like I had been told it would, and another surgery in the name of nipples doesn't seem necessary to me. They would have no feeling, they wouldn't look like my nipples, nor would they react as nipples should. They would be there for cosmetic reasons only. I feel that I'm ok without them.

I made it. I am finally on the other side and can work on recovery. It is such a great feeling to know the hard parts are over. The journey was nothing I had expected it to be. It was so much more. The experience, the pain, the frustraions, the laughs and the memories over the course of the past 17 weeks have all shaped the person I am today. (literally haha). I really made it. While my story isn't quite over yet, I am on the other side.

Sprinting towards the finish line

Today marks my 16th week since I said my final fairwell to my troubled twins. I write you this blog with tear clouded vision, reminiscing about the many memories and adventures the foobs and I have endured in the past 112 days. I still remember my mastectomy day as if it were yesterday. The complete numbness and denial I felt. It seemed as though I was on the outside looking in as my plastic surgeon drew the lines on my chest for my breast surgeon to follow as she cut off my breasts. How could that girl be me? How could I be only 27 and really be waiting for MY surgical team to take me back to the opperating room where they would remove a part of me? A part of my women hood that society has always put so much emphasis on. I was told I would never connect with myself the same way again. This scared me. How did I get there, and how would I live beyond those moments of fear? My mind overflowed with so many thoughts that eventually I turned them off all together. The early weeks following my surgery were some of my hardest, as any women that has been through a similar journey can contest. You are forced to feel again, and face reality. It may be more than you could have imagined and things that you once took for granted become daily struggles. You get upset and frustrated with yourself because you need help with little things such as opening the fridge. You are embarrased because you can't even reach a cup out of the cabinet and you are proud that you made your own sandwich but then cry because you can't shake the mustard. Then you finally feel well enough to get out of the house and can't wait to get dressed in something other than button up pajamas. You stare at yourself in the mirror fighting back tears because none of your clothes fit you right. But you press on and wear a smile fueled by fight and you cry in the shower so no one can hear you. Each day gets better and before you know it life resumes normalcy and you feel proud that you made it through the hard parts. One must cherish every mile of the journey, both good and bad, as they are all a part of your race. Before you know it you have miles behind you and you cross your finish line. When you do, you will look back with a happy heart and feel thankful for even the hard times for those are the moments that make the end that much more rewarding. No race goes on forever. I think this is something we tend to forget. We get caught up in the moment often forgetting about what we are working towards.

Distance runners are trained to start any race at a nice steady pace. This helps get them through the ramining miles allowing just enough energy to Sprint through the "shoot" which will lead them to the finish line. This last leg of the race is one of the most important. While other runners have over exerted themselves, struggling to reach that finish line, those that had paced their miles have the opportunity to kick it up a notch up and finish with their best efforts pushing with everything they have left. This has always been my favorite part of any race, and it makes the end that much more exhilarating. This entire process has felt a bit like that for me. I have gotten through every leg of this race not by being an optimist, but by looking towards the finish line and never giving up.

They always say "slow and steady wins the race". My reconstruction journey started off very slowly. Thin skin and delayed healing resulted in countless canceled fills, many tears and a lot of frustration. There were times where I wondered if I would ever make it to the end. It is difficult to look onward when you feel as if you're stuck running in place. But you keep running anyhow. It was just two weeks ago that I learned my body was ready to not only increase the amount I received per fill, but to have expansion done weekly! I was estactic!! This morning I was excited to get to my apt as I knew it would be my last expansion. I could see the finish line and it looked beautiful. I knew we were about to close another chapter making my next step the swap surgery. My favorite nurse took me back to the room where my chest muscles would be stretched for the last time. The two of us cracked jokes the entire time, as we always do. It was to my surprise when I learned I would meet with my plastic surgeon today for the first time in months!! Dr Hagarty examined me, commented on how thin my skin was (huge shock) and decided to over fill my Expanders leaving my 400cc tissue expansders holding 420 cc of fluid. This will allow a bit more "sag" once my soft new implants take their place. She essesed the current placement of thing One and thing two to get an idea of what revisions would be made during the swap to provide me with the most natural looking chest. I wasn't expecting more than my usual nurse visit today to see my surgeon came as a huge shock, so it was a gigantic surprise when I learned my swap surgery would be scheduled for NEXT week! I could barely breathe, I wanted to cry and I immediately called my work. I didn't plan for this, I had anticipated it not being for another 3-4 weeks. I am estatic, but I don't feel prepared. It is different when you think about the future and know the things that are to come, but it is another thing to learn that your future is now. I am in the shoot portion of this race, sprinting towards that finish line. I'm almost there. I have made it.

Here is a look back on my journey through expansion.

Where it all began

How far we have come.

Feeling confident enough to rock my first strapless dress since surgery.

My first race, and medal with the foobs

After my last and final fill

My 28th year

As I turn the page stepping into my 28th year, I can't help but feel excited. It is apparent that I believe in silver linings, often thriving on new beginnings. Those that know me well have heard "every day is a fresh start, a new beginning" come from my mouth more than they can count. So often that my go to quote when either myself or a friend is struggling becomes annoying. At one point my husband has raised his voice at me saying "sometimes I wish you weren't always so Damn positive!!". I have days of darkness just like the next person and when I fall I fall hard. But what would life be if we lived in the past? How could we appreciate the good without bad? Every dark cloud has a silver lining. I truly believe this to be true. We can't change our past. It doesn't define who we are, but shapes our personalities and pathes the way to our future.

During our staff meeting the other day my boss told us that we should give ourselves 5 minutes to wallow, be upset or crumble. After all we are human and there are times that we need the emotional release. After those 5 minutes, however, it is important to turn the page and move on. This struck me as the most incredible bit of advice I've ever received. Life is hard, and we were born to fight. We will do so until the day we die. That is what makes life so rewarding and precious. Some of have been chosen to fight harder than others. We were all given life and the events we face both good and bad are our stories. I'm drawing near to the end of another chapter in mine. I'm ready to say goodbye to 27 and press on.

Reflecting on this past year I would have never imagined it to turn out as it did. At the age of 27 I was faced with my 3rd and 4th lumpectomy, a hystorectomy, and a diagnosis that lead to my double mastectomy. I lost my job, friendships ended and I walked through the storm at times wondering how I would make it to the end. But I kept walking, sometimes even crawling, and believed in the days ahead. Life for me didn't go as planned and I'm ok with that. Things beyond my control turned my world around and made my year one I will never forget. It may have been one of my worst years in a sense, but it was also one of my very best!! I told cancer no! I sent a hypothetical nuclear bomb destroying it before it had the chance to find me. I lost my breasts, but gained my health. On Friday I will recive another big expansion putting me another fill closer to the end of the expansion and reconstruction process. I lost my job and gained a new career in which I am surrounded by some of the most supportive and incredible women I've ever met. Friendships died, while new ones bloomed. I couldn't be more thankful for the way I grew in more ways than I could explain and my life changed over the year.

Life is a roller coaster. If we were constantly ridding at the top would we feel the thrill of the climb or the anxiety of the fall? Would we be able to feel complete thankfulness if things were perfect 100% of the time? What is your idea of perfect anyhow? Does it even exsist? Live the life you were given. Give yourself time to crumble when needed then pick yourself back up and enjoy the climb back up. Find your silver linings in even the darkest of clouds and cherish the little things.

I am ecstatic to say goodbye to 27, and welcome my 28th year with open arms. This year is going to be my best one yet. I will have my exchange surgery drawing near the end of my mastectomy journey. I will be celebrating my 10 year wedding anniverary with the most incredible man. Our beautiful miracle will be turning 7. Our beautiful daughter that after years of infertility treatments we didn't know we would ever have! It is true that some of our worst years lead to those that turn out to be our very best. I can't wait to see what is in store for me, or where life takes me. I can't wait to begin my 28th year.

In the fast lane

Tomorrow will mark my 14th week! I remember counting down to my first fill. Many times I was sent home in tears having had expansion postponed as a result of slow healing and thin skin. At one point I felt as though I would never be able to get through expansion. I remember wishing I had just opted against the reconstruction and kept a flat chest. When faced with hard times, moments of disappointment, pain, doubt, or even fear it is important to remind yourself that that particular moment in your life isn't your forever. Always continue to press on knowing better days are ahead. Because I assure you, they are.

Just 6 weeks ago I was praying my skin had healed enough and that I would finally be able to resume the expansion process. With very thin and delicate skin I was only able to tollerate fills of 30cc every other week amounting for 60cc per month once I was finally able to resume the expansion process. I was very pleasantly surprised when my nurse told me that we would be doing 60cc for today's appointment!! My plastic surgeon has decided that I'm finally in a position to be bumped up into the fast lane and start receiving this new larger fill not just every 2 weeks, but EVERY week!!! I'm getting so so close to the end of this leg of the race! Today's appointment has left me at 300. There is only about 100 more to go before I have my month of rest to allow my body to adjust and heal before the swap surgery. We really are getting there!!! I laughed at the sight of thing one and thing two after expansion today. How convienet of my surgeons office to have massive mirrors in every room! I feel as though I have officially entered the akward blow up doll phase. I feel like a barbie doll! The foobs are so hard, unnaturally round, and beyond perky. I am trying to wrap my mind around them getting even bigger than this!!!

This past weekend was a big one for me!!! Many months back, before I even knew of the mastectomy, I had registered to run the insane inflatable 5k. I was very torn leading up to race day on my ability to tackle such a run. While I have been running again for a few weeks, I haven't done anything involving pulling my body up and over things. I decided to give it a try, and I am so excited I did. I felt so amazing as I slid down that last slide and through the finish line! And I did so in just over 28 minutes.

I felt so amazing that I have also decided to run the 5k race ther I've done every year on my birthday weekend. This year I won't be competing in an attempt to finish with a kick ass time, or bring home a medal for placing as I usually would. This year my motivation is to run it just because I can!!!

After the inflatable 5k I came home and got ready for my cousins bachelorette party. I went out on a limb and allowed myself to wear a strapless dress with nothing more than the built in bra it contained. I have been so desperately fighting with myself over clothes for all these weeks. Trying to hide the unnatural and sometimes even deformed looking foobs that show in certain tops through my less than cute expansion bras that make it look like I have hard nipples..which is also something I used to try to hide. (Why?! I don't even have nipples!) I allowed this part of my life, this part of me, depict my clothing ultimately effecting my confidence. I was always so concerned of what an unknowing stranger may think of me. Of why I looked like I had a lumpy chest, or why I had such a bra that looked like Madonna would have worn it in the 80s. It would take me multiple outfits and sometimes even tears before I felt decent enough to leave the house. I decided enough was enough. What better way to spread awareness than to just live and breathe?! Yes the foobs look unnatural, and yes in that dress they looked as if they were tiny shelves with a dress sitting over them, but it felt great to be in a cute dress again!!! I am done with hiding what is with the rest of the world. I am proud of my foobs, because they are a symbol of my new health and bright future.

I have had many ask me how big I am going to go, and why they are making me so big when I didn't really have large breasts to begin with. What many don't realize is when going through the reconstuction process you get no say. This isn't like a boob job. I don't get to pick my ending cup size, or discuss what look I am going for. My end result will be as much of a surprise to me as it will to you all. The most say I have pertaining to thing one and thing two is whether or not I want to undergo a later opperation to have nipples constructed. This is something I am still unsure of to be honest. As far as expansion and breast reconstruction goes, you have the expanders that your surgeon feels best suit you, you trust that your plastic surgeon will make you look your very best by the end, and you show up to the appointments that are made and pick up your feet and coast through the rest the best you can. At the time of my mastectomy surgery my plastic surgeon placed 400cc Expanders. Meaning I now have only 100 left to go until these things are full. The reason I look so akward is that they aren't for cosmetic purposes. The Expanders have a purpose and that is to stretch my chest muscles and tissue to allow for room for the implants that will come later. To allow my implants to have a more relaxed and natural looking appearance my muscles and tissue need to be stretched a bit more than needed so that there is some give to allow for room for them to sit in a more natural state..or have a little sag if you will. These giant akward unmoving rocks are not my forever. They are merely paving the way towards my forver, and now we have switched over into the fast lane.

Full steam ahead

I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last blog post!! On one hand I am sorry and feel terrible for how neglectful I have been in keeping you all updated. On the other hand I am excited and proud to say that I have been busy. My life has picked right back up and I'm learning how to juggle work, Dr apts, being a wife, mother of a new 1st grader, dance and everything else going on in our lives. I remember just 13 weeks ago I was confined to my bed engulfed in pillows watching more hours of Netflix then I like to admit to, unable to dress myself. To put my life during that time into perspective.. I may or may not have watched every episode of house hunters and friends. The days drug on. Now I feel as if I can't keep up!!!

Last weekend I spent some time in Chicago at my sister's. The little get away was so relaxing and such a nice treat. We spent some time on the beach where I publicly wore my swim suit for the very first time since the mastectomy!!! Surely a memory I will never forget.

I am officially 13 weeks post op as of today and I am doing great!! My skin, while still thin, seems to be holding up quite well, finally allowing me to go full steam ahead with my fills. I have only been able to tollerate receiving 30ccs every two weeks so far, but have been given the ok to increase to weekly appointments starting next week!!! Things are progressing beautifully and the foobs just hit 230cc's meaning we are over half way there!!!

Only 170cc to go and I will be done with the expansion process. I am still trying to wrap my mind around being half way there. I am only half way there!! Compared to the flat chest I had just 13 weeks ago I feel as if my foobs are HUGE at their current status! It is hard for me to imagine these things nearly doubling as I press forward closer to the end where I will max out at 400cc.

A lot has changed over the weeks. Many things that don't meet the eye, some that I couldn't even begin to explain. But rest assured when I say all is well. As a female, we spend our adolescence waiting for our breasts to form. As children stuffing socks into our shirts giggling as what we imagine it will be like. We grow up associating breasts with the female body, they are a part of us. Truth be told, they are not a part of who you are. I remember crying myself to sleep at night, trying to figure out how my life ended up as it had, wondering when and if I would ever truly feel beautiful again, and learning to look at myself in the mirror without feeling pain while trying to find my confidence again. It is a process, I'll be honest, and a great journey that has many ups and downs. But I am getting there!!! I no longer see my reflection as anything but beautiful. I feel strong, I feel empowered and I feel more confident than I ever have in my entire life. There is something so rewarding about knowing you gave a part of you up for a better life in return. My scars are a reminder of the battle I WON and I display them proudly. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where getting dressed causes me some annoyance and sometimes makes me emotional because things don't fit quite as they should, and there are still things that I am physically unable to do, such as picking up my daughter when she's hurt, and quite often I'm hit with discomfort when something is just physically too much though I try to pretend I'm fine. I have reached a point in the expansion where I'm becoming uncomfortable again. And while I feel some pain, I smile and feel excitement knowing just how close I am to closing another chapter of this journey. If you have ever read anything about expanders...it is all true!! These things have no give! They are hard, uncomfortable, and unnatural in every sense of the word!! Haha BUT they are only temporary and it is important to remember that. This isn't my forever, this is just one of the paths leading me to my happily ever after. I am proud to be on my way. Full steam ahead.

Life goes on..

I still remember the way I felt when I learned I was going to have my first lumpectomy. Nauseated and full of fear. When I learned I would be having my second, a double this time, I was angry and annoyed that this was happening again. I didn't understand the how or why. When I found the 4th hamartoma ultimately leading to my double mastectomy I went numb, completely masking my emotions. The past year wasn't particularly easy, and the pain both physically and mentally seemed as if it would last forever. It is strange how a speed bump in the road of our lives can feel endless at times. Eventually the storm blows over, the clouds part and the sun shines again. Before you know it the hours turn into days, the days into weeks, and the weeks turn into months. You grow. Change, and adapt while embracing every moment whether you realize it or not. Life goes on, no matter the case. And eventually you feel ok again. If you're lucky you will discover the bigger reason behind the trials you faced.

The other weekend I slipped on my team underwires "proud to wear pink" t-shirt while fighting back bittersweet tears. A shirt I was gifted at my Tata to the tatas party. The same "T" I wore as I walked into the hospital that morning on June 16th.

My little and I, along with some friends, went to The last annual team underwire dinner/celebration/charity event. While I myself didn't have breast cancer and am not a survivor of such...I am proud to be a previvior.I had a disease leaving me predisposed with an 85% risk leading to the removal of my breasts. The cause will forever be one that touches my heart. To be surrounded by so many amazing women and men that have faced such trials and tribulations, proud, smiling, and excited to share their stories of hope. Awareness needs to be raised for those that have faught, are currently fighting, will fight, or are predisposed like myself. It isn't about saving the tatas, it is about saving the person beneath them.

Today is my 9th week with the foobs. Thing one and thing two are, ever so slowly healing beautifully. After seeing my plastic surgeon and having expansion put off week after week, apt after apt, I was finally able to receive an expansion today!!! I felt so much excitement when the nurse told me my skin finally looked well enough to move forward. Perhaps driving the hour there myself without so much as an ibeprofin wasn't the best choice I've ever made...but I'm certain the sheer excitement is what got me back home. My muscles are a bit tight, and sore...but I am delighted to feel such discomfort at this moment. We are moving forward.

I'm doing great and feeling pretty darn amazing!!I have been venturing out more, carefully testing my limits, keeping busy and being thankful for this life I've been blessed with. If this journey has taught me one thing, it is to cherish the little things. A few of my most recent cherished moments include:

*My 6 year old telling me that I look strange without nipples and asked if I could call my Dr and go get them sewed back on, leading to the question of where they went once they were removed...do I really want to know?!?!? Probably not! Haha.

*Putting on a swim suit for the first time since the mastectomy to join my friends for a pool party. While I had nothing to fill the top...I felt confident, proud and beautiful in it!! And Not having hard nipples to show upon the first plunge into the water was a win for me!! haha

*My ever so adorable (not) expansion bra leaving me self conscious due to it making it look as if I have hard nipples...only to laugh inside at how ironic this concern is. I have no nipples..why should I care?!?! Haha

*Being able to run again!!! While I am far from where I was..I am out there doing what I can and that leaves me feeling pretty darn excited!!

*Hopping on the very same bike Santa brought me when I was about 10, and joining my family for a nice 6 mile bike ride on my favorite trail.

It truly is the little things that matter most, and remind you just how good life is :-) I am on my 3rd week back to work (loving my new job btw!!!), I have been taking care of all house work and laundry again and am feeling back to myself. It has only been 9 weeks, yet it fees like forever...my forever. Before I know it this moment and these memories will be but a blur in a much larger picture. Even when time seems to stand still Life goes on.

Progressing on while stuck in limbo.

Today officially marks 7 weeks since the mastectomy!!!! 7! That's sort of a huge deal. I still remember laying eyes on our precious miracle at our 7 week ultra sound, a baby the size of a grain of rice with a bouncing beating heart. A lot can change in 7 weeks, and looking back I really have come so far. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel different. Something changed within me the day I parted with the lumpy twins, something I could never explain..not even to myself. I do know one thing though, it has been a true test and I like where the journey is taking me. The situations that didn't make sense to me just two months ago felt like a dense fog blanketing my vision. The fog is continually lifting illuminating the path to my future self. "Everything happens for a reason" is becoming more and more of something I feel, not just believe.

Life has picked back up and in so many ways and I am truly feeling like myself again. Whatever that may mean. I still see photos of myself from just a few months back, and I almost can't connect with her. I am not that girl anymore, I am better. I feel better. I am beaming with joy and excitement about many things taking place in our lives right now. My little has decided she wants to get back into dance so we registered her for the 2015-2016 dance year, and she will be starting 1st grade in two short weeks. It is hard to believe time has gone by so quickly when I can so vividly remember that first glimpse of her tiny beating heart. As a way to celebrate the beautiful changes life has thrown our way, we spent Saturday soaking in some sunshine with a picnic lunch and a relaxing paddle boat ride.

I went back to work yesterday, starting on a new career path! I am very excited, proud and in awe that I was given the opportunity to train in and work for the very salon that I first stepped into and fell in love with at the age of 15. A place that I am passionate about and feel at home in. I can't wait to see where I go from here as a front desk coordinator. I admit, I was so nervous to step back into the working world after 9 weeks off. I anxiously went through my clothing options to find something to hide my amazingly sexy expansion bras, threw on my favorite red lip and set out into the day. It felt amazing! I still find myself easily exhausted, and my chest muscles quickly get sore, but it feels great to be back out there.

Today I met with the nurse at my plastic surgeons office for the first time since I was put on hold two weeks ago. I was excited all day to get to my appointment so I could get that green light and resume the expansion process.

Much to my surprise, my body still isn't ready for it. Thing one is giving me a run for my money very slowly going about her healing process. Turns out the prednisone I had to go on last week to help aid my body in fighting off the chigger bites that I didn't have the immune system to battle only further slowed the healing. Who knew. I would be lying if I said I wasn't crushed, because I was. I Sat there, bitting my lip and holding in the tears. I was reminded that resuming expansion with how thin my skin is at this time could result in breaking that stubborn insicion open causing me to lose my left expander all together. I know, I'm reminded every time...but it is still a bummer all the same

I understand patience is key, and I know I will get there. But where the foobs are concerned, I feel as if I'm stuck in a holding pattern that I often wonder if I will ever get out of. While I'm a bit discouraged, my life is resuming all around me, even though I feel stuck. For that, I am incredibly thankful. I was told that I can ease back into vacuuming, and was even given the ok to run again!!! Words can't even describe the excitement this gives me!! Essentially I am back to myself. I mean, aside from the partly healed, half deflated foobs awaiting their expansion and swap procedure. But we will get there. I imagined myself being in such a different place at 7 weeks. I so badly want to be on the other side of this road, and close this chapter behind me. I shed my tears for the day, picked myself back up and Looking back at where I was, and where I am..I've come a long way. I have to be proud. I AM proud. As the saying goes "everything happens for a reason". I know one day said reason will shine bright and clear. Until then, I will continue to press on while stuck in limbo.

Resuming normalcy

The past 5 weeks have been a roller coaster, not only emotionally but physically as well. The expectations we set for recovery tend to be a steady uphill climb to the top when realistically we get turned around, go backwards, and sideways every now and again. While we may not be constantly climbing that mountian, it is important that we always place one foot in front of the other and continue to march forward.

Mornings are still my least favorite time of the day. Your muscles stiffen down on the Expanders and you wake up stiff and sore every day. This feeling fades away and as the day goes on its easy to forget that the mastectomy even happened. Much of the time I feel that I am doing wonderfully, and at others my emotions get the best of me. Not because I'm sad, or mourn the loss of my breasts, but because I get frustrated. Frustration is invoked by many situations such as not being able to do things you once did, or forgetting what you're capable of and having shooting pain bring you back to reality. Even getting dressed can be a source of both happiness and tears depending on the given day. Trying to pick the right outfits that both make me feel good, fit me, and hide the awesome granny expansion bras that I dont imagine would leave any 27 year old feeling very pretty can be a chore. Because I'm so thin up top, and they remove breast tissue up from locations in your chest you never knew it exsisted in, I'm left with an indent where my cleavage once formed and a buldge from my sternum. I have tiny foobs, but still have a flat/indented chest in all my clothing. After the next surgery this will all be a thing of the past as they move the foobs placing them higher and more centered creating a natural look. For now, the sole concern is expanding my chest to make room for the implants to happen.

This past weekend was my 10 year high school reunion!!! I had so much anxiety that I almost didn't go. Trying to find the perfect outfits for the weekends activities left me feeling a bit down and out, but I was so so excited to finally be able to put on and button my own jeans. You don't realizing how much you use your chest in such a simple act until your chest muscles have been compromised.

I was so excited and ready to go, until five minutes into the drive. Lately social interactions, especially with those that may have heard about my situation, leave me feeling very anxious and vulnerable. I fear being looked at in a different light or treated differently. And the last thing I ever want is pitty or sympathizing stares. Thankfully those that knew were so amazingly kind and the nervousness quickly fadded away. I am always proud to answer questions and help educate others on the topic. I feel that it is one that is kept so quiet, especially in my age group. I even had a few girls poking and fondling thing one and thing two amazed and how strange the Expanders and ports felt! Haha at one point I even showed my no nipples off to a fellow classmate that didn't believe I was nipple-less. And I did it with full pride! This is who I am now. I am a tiny, 27 year old mother and wife rocking a healing nipple less chest through expansion. And I am proud, and I am still the crazy go lucky me that I have always been, maybe even better!!!!.

The foobs are now a day shy of being 6 weeks post op!!! They continue to get better with every day and are trying their very best to heal. I'm still struggling with my thinner skinned, stubborn thing one, and over the weekend the scab that had been holding her closed had been taken out at the hands of my gauze. She has since closed a bit and is working hard to heal. This only reminded me that, while I was upset last week for having expansion called off and put on hold until next week, that the time is really needed for my healing.

aside from that small trouble spot, they are doing great! The right side sits lower and over towards my armpit still. It isn't noticeable when clothed, but I can certainly feel it's presance when trying to reach my right arm across my body.

Here is my view looking down

6 weeks is a huge huge deal!! I'm excited to be at this milestone. Life is slowly resuming normalcy. I am back to driving, I can do my own hair with out any fight or exhaustion, button my own jeans, and do much of what I would normally do. I still get tired pretty quickly and activity leaves me sore but it's great to be feeling like myself again. I'm craving the day that I can run again, and am allowed to vacuum and mop my floors on my hands and knees, but I know those days are coming. In 7 short days I will be back into the working world starting a new job. And in a couple weeks our daughter will be starting 1st grade and going back to dance class.Life will be busy again, and full of activity all while making my weekly trips to see my plastic surgeon for expansions. I imagine it will be exhausting in the begining, but I am so excited to no longer feel as if I am stuck in limbo. The worst is behind me. I have a lifetime of adventure and health ahead of me. I'm excited to see where life goes from here.

"You just need more time"

Just five little words:"you just need more time". Those words have become some that I dread to hear, and ones I have recently heard more often than not. Today I am 5 weeks post op!!! 5 weeks isn't long in terms of our exsistance, yet when living in that moment, a few short weeks can feel like eternity.

I've been trying to make the very best of the situation and my time home. While I'm healing and have many physical limitations, I've greatly enjoyed the family time. This past weekend was who else lands annual hog roast and music fest. Our closest friends band "Trippin Molly" were playing so I surprised Zach with tickets for father's day. I wanted to make sure he didn't miss out on account of me. We packed up all my pillows, extra gauze and bras and off we went for a night away despite the sticky humid summer heat Illinois got hit with. I spent much of my time sitting in the shade either in a chair at our campsite, or at a picnic table down by the band's. It was such a relaxing mental vacation. I felt so awesome just being out, and for the night I felt like my old self again.

Today I met with my nurse for what was supposed to be my second expansion. I was very anxious for this appoitment as thing one has been really fighting to heal. I was so concerned that being hot and sweaty over the weekend had destroyed my chances of expansion for the week, and with good reason. The nurse asked how I was doing and I told her I was doing well, but nervous for her to see thing one. I slipped my oh so non flattering mastectomy bra off and she started to contemplate doing the fill. She took a picture and spoke with my plastic surgeon who eventually came in to see thing one for herself.

I knew what was coming next, and then she said it "You just need more time". My body is really fighting delayed healing and is doing the best it can. Essentially healing is based on a healthy blood flow to the effected area. Because my skin is it's thinest in that particular spot, it doesn't get as much blood flow as it otherwise would, thus slowing down the healing process. My foobs can't handle the exra pressure of another expansion without an increased risk of splitting the insicion back open. I am now in the midst of a two week break including lots of fresh fruits, veggies, vitamins, and increased protein to help promote healing. I was concerned about my time outside over the weekend and my surgeon assured me that sweaty foobs weren't the culprit. I've done all I can do to help my body heal. I think that may be why I'm so frustrated with them. I have taken it so easy, fought my ocd daily, and rested when possible. I have followed all drs orders and made sure I didn't reach, push, or pull and I avoided repetitive motions. I've done all I can. Honestly I'm starting to feel annoyed and discouraged with myself. I am no where close to where I imagined myself being at 5 weeks post op. This journey has been so much more than I anticipated it being. I know healing takes time, and that this is only a sliver of a fraction in the grand scheme of it all. But for now, in this moment I'm trying not to be disappointed. I will get there. I just need more time.