Where do I go from here?!

Decisions. Our lives are shaped by them. They come in many forms, and while some are miniscule, others completely change the paths of our current existence. Who we are, and where we will go from here are all hinging on the decisions we make.

I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I never thought twice when it came to the idea of having the mastectomy. I had the facts, I knew my odds, and I was over the bi-monthly dissection of the lumpectomies that had become both repetitive and predictable. Some choices just come as no brainers. I felt the same when the topic of removing my nipples was debated between my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon. Ones goal was my longevity and health while the other wanted the prettiest picture at the end. I opted to cut my risks completely by removing the last part of my chest that would allow me to view it as my own even once my breast tissue was gone. I made an educated decision based on facts. I knew no matter what choice I made, I would never be the same again. Keeping my nipples wouldn't have changed that.

Here I am months later having recently shed more tears over nipples than I can count. Though not for the reasons you would guess. I'm on the other side; I made it through the most painful journey I've ever faced. I got through the mastectomy, I'm finished with the expansion and reconstruction process and I finally have my soft new implants. Life is resuming back to normal and I'm finally at a point where I can just live and put it all behind me. Or am I?!

During my one week post op my PS asked me if I had any questions concerning nipple reconstruction. I told her that I didn't think it was a procedure I wanted to have. She reminded me that I am young and told me I owed it to myself to at least think about it. She justified her suggestion by saying that currently it is as if I have a head without a face, or eyes without eyebrows. Essentially, my foobs do not and never will look like boobs without nipples. And perhaps she is right. Before the mastectomy I was hell bent against going through nipple reconstruction. Another procedure all for the sole purpose of nipples seemed so silly and unnecessary to me. The foobs will never be boobs to me with or without nipples. Said nipples will never be mine, they will never have feeling, react to hot or cold, nor will they serve any purpose beyond cosmetics reasons. I confided in a wonderful friend of mine who has been going through her own mastectomy journey during the same time as my own, and she had explained the idea as placing the cherry on top. I loved her analogy, and it really got me thinking. Honestly it's all I've been able to think about these past two weeks. I've never been so undecided in my life. I'm usually pretty strong willed and quite often I know what I want and if I don't I turn to facts and statistics to aide in my decisions. I've never felt this way before and the uncertainty has left me completely torn, full of anxiety and I have found myself crying more often then not. Truth is, I don't know what I want aside from having this all behind me. Sometimes I wonder how I am really hidding in the bathroom at the age of 27 crying while I try to decide if nipples are necessary to me. I've never cared much for cherries on top of my sundaes anyhow. Do I need a cherry this time? Do I owe it to myself? I often wonder if my anti nipple reconstruction is a result of me actually being content without them, or if I've been telling myself I don't need them because I'm ready to be done with this chapter of my life. Without them I am already done. I'm healing, I'm back to work, I made it and the rest is history. Nipples signify another step, another procedure and a couple more miles in my race. Do I push on a bit longer to put that cherry on top?? I can't help but feel as if Im being completely selfish by not considering such an option for my husband. During one of my meltdowns I asked him for his opinion and he kindly told me that the foobs don't have any sexual appeal in their nippleless state. He continued to say that I've already sacrificed so much of myself for my health and family that it would be selfish of him to suggest such a procedure. While I value his opinion and am thankful for his honesty, I can't help but wonder if he would see me differently if I had them, and maybe I would see myself differently too?? I feel that perhaps being against the idea is not only selfish of me but maybe even cowardly for opting against such a thing because I'm mentally and emotionally tapped out and over the process. As a wife however, I feel I owe it to my husband to consider the idea. How can a decision really be this hard? I've grown attached to thing one and thing two and have found a particular beauty in them even though they lack the very thing that will complete them. What if I go through with the procedure and am left unhappy with them taking this image of beauty away?? No matter which way I choose it is a decision that I will have to live with for the rest of my exsistsnce, and I'm affraid to make the wrong one.

I meet with my plastic surgeon for my 3 week follow up this coming Tuesday. I've decided that I will go into the appointment with an open mind. I will have my husband by my side and together we will ask questions and gain knowledge to aide is in making an educated decision, rather than one fuled by emotion and fear. I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% certain of which option is best for me, but I hope to soon have a bit more of an idea of where to go from here.